Elegant Affair

III.VII

"The papers? Diapers? How about your clothes?"

"Yes, everything is ready na po. Opo." I faced the camera's direction with the things we'd need at the hospital. 

I'm ready to pop in two weeks. My belly is swollen, my arms, my feet, every part of me is. Sometimes, I'd look in front of the mirror and suddenly feel so sad and insecure about how much I weigh or how I look. I didn't want to but I couldn't help it. Minsan naman, I'm reminded of the amazing things my body is doing and I could never be so proud.

It's a roller coaster of emotions. And to think that this is just the introduction part of parenthood, makes me wonder if I'm doing things wrong. I'm still figuring things out... we are.

"I have my ticket booked tomorrow so hopefully, I'll be there when you give birth."

I do hope so too because even if I'm used to doing things alone, spending most of my pregnancy alone, I still want him to be there for the actual thing.

I woke up after a weird feeling.

"Fuck," I glimpsed at the time and it is still three in the morning. Napahawak ako sa tiyan ko just trying to feel the baby, if today is the day she finally comes.

The pain is tolerable but I'm certain now that I'm having contraction kaya agad akong naghilamos. I think I can still drive myself to the hospital. "Baby, please cooperate with Mommy here. I'm excited to meet you but let's be a little patient and wait for Daddy." I spoke to the baby while trying to calm myself.

I tried to call Matteo as I grabbed the hospital bag pero hindi naman siya sumasagot. Before I get frustrated, I need to drive myself first to the emergency room and contact my doctor.

I was in the hospital parking area and was trying again to contact Matteo. I feel like crying waiting for him to pick up. Sana naman, marinig niya ang tawag ko because I'm fucking getting desperate here not knowing if I can do this alone. 

But there was no response.

I tried to do some breathing exercises as the contractions were getting closer and closer and the pain, the fucking pain.

And the phone started to ring. Parang gusto ko na lang magalit bigla nang makita ang pangalan ni Matteo. He couldn't blame me for having my head all over the place trying to fucking give birth! 

Another pain. Ugh. I love my child and I'm willing to endure everything but this is really really painful.

I was looking for something to hold or squeeze or maybe throw so I grabbed the pillow imagining it was Matteo's hands. I wish he was here so I could break those bones. But even with those thoughts, I tried to answer the phone in my calm voice. I don't think he's worth that energy right now. "Hello?" 

"I'm sorry, Love. My phone was in silent mode. I'm sorry. Is anything wrong?"

Oh. I'm about to give birth with no one with me. I wasn't usually this needy and this baby needs nothing but my body but I want someone here with me right now... not just someone, the one person who is half of the reason why I'm about to go through immeasurable pain- not that I'm having the time of my life right at this moment. No. Nothing is wrong!

I want to tell him that but after another contraction, I just paused and waited for it to be over. Breath. "I'm about to give birth Matteo. I'm at the hospital right now."

"What?" Inilayo ko ang tenga ko sa cellphone dahil sa lakas ng boses niya. Seriously, he's not helping. If there's someone screaming, it should be me. And he can't say anything because it's not his vagina that's about to get ripped literally. For the love of God, this is getting more painful. "Wait... Uhm..."

Hindi ko na siya kailangang makita para malaman na wala na rin siya sa tamang pag-iisip. I can already sense his panic from miles away. And I'm grumpy and probably unreasonable but if he won't be here, which is obviously happening, I have no other choice but to do all this alone.

But instead of listening to him trying to do anything. I chose not to say my worries. "Just come here when you can, Matteo. The doctor is here-" I said even when it was one of the nurses who was monitoring me. "I guess I will do this alone."

I have a baby now. A healthy baby girl. After all the contractions during the labor, the painful feeling as I was trying to push... she's finally here and all those pain, fears, and even the tiredness was forgotten even with just a few hours of sleep.

"Baby," I called and I saw her lips move. Her hand was also moving.

Someone knocked at the door at pumasok mula roon ang buong pamilya ko. My lips parted slightly in surprise. Binalitaan ko lang naman si Samantha that I gave birth. Also,  my friends and of course, Matteo. I just literally sent them the same message. I'm fine. The baby's fine. Everything's great.

"Mama," I called her. Nakakagulat kasi na umiiyak siya ngayon. Nasa batang karga ko ang mga mata niya and same with everyone. Mama and Papa stopped talking to me relating with my baby. Si Papa nga, parang iniiwasan ako kahit na sa literal na isang lugar lang kami nagta-trabaho.

To be honest, I wanted to be angry. Naiintindihan ko naman but they just couldn't set aside all those anger for me or my daughter, their own grandchild. But they are here and I wasn't alone anymore. It's a good thing, after all.

"Are you okay?" Papa worriedly asked.

Pinipigilan ko lang pero gusto kong maiyak. It was hard to find my voice so I just tried to nod. God, I'm so emotional.

There was another knock on the door and we all looked who it was. I was hoping it was Matteo which was why I'm so glad to see him there. I hate how I was angry at him for not being here a while ago. It was unreasonable, I know. He had no control and no option to come here in a blink of an eye pero nakakalungkot lang kasi.

I was alone and I did manage but I didn't want to do it which was why as he walked towards me, tears were uncontrollably falling from my eyes. 

"Magandang hapon po," he said to my family

I almost forgot my parents were here. Kung hindi pa siya nagsalita sa kanila ay hindi ko rin napansin.

I was amused to see how his eyes twinkled as he was looking at our daughter. "Oh Love... She's so beautiful."

"I know."

"I really want to hug her... the both of you. Touch those little hands and look closer, and she's just- she's so small but I just flew in and I don't know what types of germs I brought with me." Napatawa ako habang nagrarason siya. He's right but it's funny at the same time to see the frustration with the way he stands. 

"It's okay." Para kaming baliw na tumatawa habang umiiyak. "We'll be okay."

"Love?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you," he said. "Words are not enough but it still needs to be said... Thank you."