Elegant Affair

IV.I

Nang buksan ang ilaw, unang bumungad sa akin ang nagkalat na mga gamit. My parents said I should move to a bigger place-a house even, but I can't even keep this place clean, how much more a whole house?

"Fucking hell," I suddenly blurted. Parang alam ng bibig kong walang bata sa paligid and my curse filter just turned off automatically. Ugh, why do kids love these legos? There were times that I'd be convinced that legos will literally kill me. I was picking up the toy dolls too. Four-year-olds are cute and loving and sweet and energy draining.

I still miss my daughter so bad though.

"Hello?"

"Mommy!"

Even after a restless day at work, I felt energized after hearing Ella's voice.

"I have new lego toys, Mommy! Lola bought me gifts too!"

"Wow!" I faked my enthusiasm. Sinabihan ko naman kasi dati pa si Matteo that they could give her anything but legos and here they are, probably picturing me out as an evil mom who wouldn't let her kid play. And of course, I'm expecting chocolates too. Buti sana kung isang bar lang but ten boxes are too much, even for adults. "Are you on your way home na?"

"Ah-huh!" she screamed. It's way past her bedtime but the kid is still energized. I was just making an exception today because it's Matteo's mom's birthday. They are still Ella's grandparents. I was invited but I'd rather not go. They are good people, as I've learned after years of co-parenting with Matteo... but the constant worrying of walking around eggshells is not good for me.

"Okay, baby. I'll see you later."

I took a bath and picked up pieces of Ella's toys. I still live in the same unit. Dapat talaga ay lilipat ako to a bigger unit but life happened until I realized a bigger space is not really necessary. Saglit akong nahiga sa sofa while reviewing some terms and conditions for a contract and while waiting for Matteo and Ella. They should be home anytime soon.

"Shhh."

"Shhh," I think it's Ella's voice. After hearing her giggle, I was certain it's her.

I opened my eyes and saw that I'm already inside my room. Ella is already in her pajamas while Matteo was removing the hair ties on her hair.

"See, you woke Mommy up."

"Okay lang," I told Matteo and opened my arms for Ella. Agad namang lumapit sa akin ang bata to hug me tightly. "Hi, baby."

"Daddy carried you while you were sleeping, Mommy." She shared while laughing that I can't help but laugh as well. This kid looks so much like me except for those eyes he got from her father and she acts like him too. I thought my genes won after my first glimpse but as she grew up and starts to act as cheeky as Matteo, I started to doubt my victory.

I pinched her cheek. "Timpla lang ako ng gatas," I told Matteo who was unusually silent. I wonder if anything's wrong or if his parents told him something that could cause his silence. Di bale, sasabihin niya naman iyan kung gusto niya or I can just ask him later but this kiddo needs to sleep first.

I was mixing the milk when Matteo came to the kitchen. "She already fell asleep."

"Well, milk for me then... Gusto mo ba? It's kids' milk though." 

He laughed while shaking his head. "No thanks. You know I hate the taste."

I took a sip, "Masarap naman and I was just being respectful, I know you'd say no."

"I'd only say yes it's yo-"

I threw him a glare before he could even finish his sentence.

These past years have been great. Things turned out better than I hoped they would be. Sa totoo lang, on the last month of pregnancy, I was so scared of giving birth. I thought the world I lived wasn't ready for Ella- masyado pang magulo. But then she came on an unexpected day and everything changed... thankfully, for the better as the focus was slightly shifted on her. We all learned to turn a blind eye about the past but no one has really forgotten.

"Kailan ka babalik?" I asked because I forgot to ask Matteo when he'll be back in Malaysia. I like to keep things organized especially when he's here so I can adjust Ella's schedule as well.

"Kakadating ko pa nga, pinapabalik mo na ako."

"Oh, that line won't work on me and you know it."

"I was hoping it would work this time."

"Asshole," I mouthed, paranoid that Ella would hear if I say the word. "Hindi pa kasi babalik si Jen hanggang susunod na araw. I need to make up some sort of arrangement  until then."

Jennifer is Ella's nanny since she was one. Umuwi nga lang bigla sa kanila dahil na-ospital daw ang nanay niya.

"I can hang out with her."

I raised an eyebrow, wondering if he knows what he's saying. "Sigurado ka? Sigurado kang kaya mo?" I asked because truth be told, Matteo is away all the time. I understand and I try to make Ella understand that his daddy's always away for work and that he's working for her future but I wonder if kaya niya ba talagang magbantay ng bata- even if that's just for one day.

"Of course," he confidently says.

Bahala siya. I was planning to take a leave for a day pa naman sana but I wanted to see if he can really handle his daughter's kakulitan. I think he was never left alone with Ella so this would be a nice experience.

I looked at where Matteo was looking, at the door of my room where Ella was sleeping. Kailangan nga pala siyang ilipat sa kwarto. Good thing's Matteo's here. That kid's getting heavier.

I was caught off-guard when he suddenly kissed my lips in a non-conservative way that I suddenly panicked. I felt his tongue brush my lips! That would be normal if our kid isn't steps away from us.

"Masarap naman pala ang gatas." He grinned as he teased me. Loko-loko talaga.

"What are you doing?" Pinaatras ko siya and looked at the door again. Suddenly panicking that Ella would see us in this position. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Relax. Don't worry, our daughter's not a light sleeper." He said with no ounce of panic as his hand lightly brushes against my skin.

Two parts of my body are arguing. One part of me wants him, right here and now. How I want to unbutton his white polo. A part of me, the other half that's winning is scared that Ella will see us. We had always been careful not to get caught because I was not ready yet to answer her questions.

Hindi ko itinago ni minsan sa anak ko na hindi kami mag-asawa ni Matteo. That that is why her surname is different, why we don't live under the same roof, why he's always away. And even with those, we were still a family and she is our top priority.

It's just that one late night, Matteo and I were just talking and catching up. I even forgot how we ended up kissing. This was the scene Ella saw when she woke up after a nightmare.

I saw the confusion and curiosity in her eyes. And what even scared me most was when she asked if we all live together now that me and Matteo were kissing. She was apparently thinking that all this time, we just have a big fight, as she learns from her best friend, Ari; Esme and Gio's daughter.

She saw the difference between Esme and Gio and Matteo and me and at that moment, she thought we could be like them.

I didn't want to give Ella that kind of hope. I promised even when she was a baby that I'd be honest but the truth may hurt her so I'll spare her from that pain for as long as I can.

"Since your daughter is in my bed, you can stay in her room, Matteo. Good night."