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authors note: listen to 'what a waste' by gracey
( this is the first thing i've written in 3 weeks and i don't like it so please be kind. i'm trying my best right now <3 )
the jacket that i had purposely left at his home was the final thing i had to get, the jacket that once smelled like strawberries from the scent of his air freshener probably had no smell to it now. the jacket that i had put off from collecting because i knew that this was my last excuse for turning up at his door.
i had shown up at his door a couple of times a few weeks ago to get my things that were easy to pack into boxes; things such as my clothes and beauty products, leaving all the things that he had bought me so that he couldn't have that power over me.
and as much as i'd love to forget what he did and be back with him, i couldn't go back. purely out of respect for myself and my dignity but also because when i had told my brother what had happened between us, it took a lot of convincing for ben not to punch him. it was difficult for ben as mason was his teammate and close friend, so for them to see each other nearly every day without ben wanting to do nothing but protect me.
protect me from my feelings getting damaged once again, he had done that quite a few times with my first boyfriend and he had done it now with mason. now don't get me wrong, mine and masons relationship felt like a fairytale for quite a while, even though it sounds too cliche to be true. which it was because no matter how many times he could've told me that he loved me, i knew that he loved her more.
so when i saw the headlines in black and white print that they were spotted multiple times kissing, doing coupley things that we would do and when mason had told me that he slept with her, everything fell into place. the late returns in the night after training finished in the afternoon, the sneaky messages that he wouldn't stop smiling at, the date nights that got further and further apart and the entire atmosphere of our relationship changed. all because of another woman that he had seen on instagram. however, even though i had seen it with my own eyes and the people closest to me had told me about it, i was still hoping for the best but i guess hoping isn't enough. i was giving more while he was giving me none.
"y/n, you okay?" his voice pulled me out of my slightly lengthy daydream, my gaze settling on him instead of on my nails.
"i'm good." my replies short and sweet as i watched as he leant his body against the doorframe. "just here to get my jacket."
"i thought you already got everything when you came over that week." he asked confused, probably thinking of where he had seen my jacket.
"realised that i forget something, can i come in and get it?" i pulled my bag further up my shoulder so that it didn't fall, walking into the familiar house when he stepped to the side to let me in.
there wasn't any drastic changes that i could see from where i was standing, other than the hallway wall. the wall that held many pictures of mason and i over the course of our relationship had been taken down and replaced by a family portrait. since we had broken up a few weeks, i was already feeling the effects of not talking to or seeing his family as they had welcomed me into their family with open arms. jaz and i hadn't fully stopped talking to each other as she was checking up on me regularly, her telling me that some of them were mostly concerned with mason and his feelings, and she would send me photos and videos of summer; the two year old adjusting to calling me 'auntie y/n' instead of just 'y/n'.
"have a look around for it and some other stuff you might've left here." i felt awkward in his presence, it was hard not to when i was stood with the man i loved for the past couple of years.
"i don't plan on staying long, i have plans later." i told him as i walked towards the place that held all of the coats. "and i don't really want to interrupt your time with your new girlfriend."
"she's not my girlfriend and she never will be." masons voice was getting closer behind me as i scanned my eyes through his coats to find my red puffed one, spotting it instantly as it lay amongst his black coats and jackets. "i am truly sorry for what i did, y/n."
feeling him hold my wrist, i turned around and pulled my arm away from him, locking our eyes together for the first time since god knows when; as i got an overwhelming sense to tell him how i felt about the entire situation, to give him an insight of how much his actions held such a consequence over me and my life.
"do you wanna know what i think about it all? what a waste. two years of my twenties gone down the drain and now i gotta go fall in love again." the walls that had taken him some time to break down were raised back up as soon as i saw the news, the tears that i shed in front of him when i would express my true feelings and the vulnerability i shown even though i was frightened of getting hurt in the process was all a waste of time and energy.
and i still saw him occasionally, whether that be when i picked ben up from training at the time when mason wasn't supposed to be there but was, when i would be somewhere with my friends and he would be there or when the mass amount of fans he had would still send or tag me in photos and videos of him or us. yet because i was never ready to face him, i turned away at every chance i could so i wouldn't feel the need to grow upset at the sight of him.
"do you know how many times i've had to hear your name and see your face in public? how i turn away so you can't see me?" the rhetorical questions sure to leave him wondering as i thought back to one of the many times luck brought us to the same place; whether it was bad or good luck was something i didn't wish to know.
"i never meant to hurt you, you have to believe me, y/n." he said to me calmly, causing me to scoff at the excuse he used.
"you want me to believe that i shouldn't feel hurt after finding out that my boyfriend of two years cheated on me, nice try mason. this is why i'm scared of commitment and love, because i'm always the one that gets hurt in the end!"
his silent response causing me to laugh dryly as i questioned why he was so okay about it all, i was still feeling bitter at his mistakes.
"we're going to have to talk about this sooner or later, y/n, we can't keep avoiding it."
"i don't even want to talk to you, mason. i don't know what the use is because i'll only fall for your excuses." i shook at my head at him and his pathetic excuse, leaving him stood on his own as i walked back towards the front door so that i was able to leave the house that held too many memories for me. "i can't believe that i always chose to believe you when you told me that you loved me."
"you're the one i wanna love." he tried to sound confident but his voice had cracked at the end.
"no i'm not, you had the chance to do that for two years and i got treated like crap on the bottom of your shoe." i told him softly, both of us knowing that the end of us was coming very quickly.
"we can try and redo it all, i promise. like everybody says, we're soulmates." i pulled the large white door open, looking at his big brown eyes that were now glossing over with tears.
"everybody used to say that, mase, they stopped once the headlines about you and her came out, and so called soulmates don't cheat." the september wind causing the hairs on my arms to raise before i put the coat, the red jacket providing a sense of comfort i hadn't felt in some time. "treat her well."
