BUTTERFLY - LOVE

September, 19th 2021

I wrote it because my parents fight again. I saw those pains again, the pains inside their marriage. So, I wrote things to lift myself. I wrote the good things within my life that I can proud of because I don't have anything like our friends, I don't have a single better thing to be proud of like anybody in our school.

I'm a mess, honey. I'm a loser. I was so sick and shit all the fucking time back then. I don't have a good education or institution to afford, but at least I tried to have one, but no one believe me, in my dreams, so they were cutting my wings. Forced me to beg, but lucky me I survived and found my people, the people who are good for my mental health.

I lost so many things, an underdog who was losing her lights and dreams. I don't have anything good to bragged but my pains which I survived for. I survived from pain killer drug addiction. I lost my friends to a drug overdose, but I'm glad one of them was dead.

I survived abusive relationships, honey. I don't have a stable root, I never know how to be loved properly. My world is full of poisons and I've survived it. I've been diagnosed with bulimia and mental shit I don't understand, don't worry about me. Because I'm survived and I'm still here.

I don't have a life like you or your friends or your family members or other person you know out there, I have none of it, and sometimes it still knocks me down so hard. I'm jealous of everybody, it made me feel so bad about myself because I think it was unfair. Why did I never have what I want while I've always been a good person all the time?

I know I'm a shitty daughter, a sad girl. All you knew about me is that I'm bitching to get validation and attention from everyone. This game I played is fool and outdated. It's bothering you, always acting like I'm special which I'm not. No, honey. This is my recovery, I'm trying to heal, I defined and designed it as I need it because my life depends on it.

I'm not chasing or attracting, I'm trying to adjust my wounds. My doctor said it's good for me, therapy didn't work if ain't notice the chaos. In the thick of healing, I am on my way and I will always try to heal me because I know I can't be fixed at all, I can't function perfectly like the way I used to, it's a broken machine.

I'm not even half as pretty. I'm not healthy, physically and mentally like every girl you've ever met. I'm already hurt. I've been brutally in pain and I need the rest of my life to fix it, to heal me. If you only have a bad thing to say about me, you did me wrong. You don't even know me.

I'm trying to heal my wounds, my body, my mental. I just want to be happy and healthy. Sorry for everything you have to see, you can hate me, but I will always love you truly, deeply because you saved me at my worst. You can hear my voice, you can hear me screaming reaching for help.

I'm still falling in love with you and I always do. I'll try to heal. Now I'm reaching out my best, when I'm invincible someday, I promise I will come back home. This is not our time because we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are and it's potentially hurting each of us.

I don't want it, I want you at the right time I don't know what love is if I can't have you here.