BUTTERFLY - LOVE

DATE

Hi, honey. Today is October, 8th 2021.

It is 5 months after the second apocalypse. I still remember the good times we had. I love you so much. I won't die for love, but ever since I met you I can't let go.

You could have my heart and I would break it for you. I know I chose to love you without a fear and I will do it all over again 1000x. 

But I can't lie, I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side again. I'm not sure which side this falls on, is it passion or emotional addiction. 

I wish I knew how to quit you, I always come back to you even when I'm with somebody else. You have my heart and it hurts in a way that makes me feel so alive.

You're the hero of my books, the muse of my arts, the melody of my songs, my favorite verse of all time. I'm not good at making plans, I have no timeline. Just let me fucking love you, hun. 

Just meet me under the sky somewhere and be alive with me forever. This letter is my 30th letter, is it a coincidence? I never knew what is happening between us. 

I always saw you in everything I do. I always found you in any form throughout the days of my life. I don't want anybody else, but you. I know I'm selfish, I can't lie to my feelings.

It's getting stronger and faded at the same time, every fucking day. You changed me, the perspective I always have. You sent me to another chapter of mine. 

I never give a shit about the weather, but when I'm with you, my life is like a season, weather, and I'm so happy with that. I will always adore you. I love your autumn equinox, honey. 

I love the way trees glow, changing leaves, and the best angle of the light. There's something magical about it. Have you recognized it? I'm describing how magical you are to a girl like me.

I wish you were mine and I wish I could just take your depression away as you have done to me. I wish you saw yourself the way I do to you.

I ain't afraid anymore of you getting tired and leaving me at some points. I'll give you my love even if it's hurt. I know I deserve my first love, I believe it because I know I connect with you.

We're able to build strong bonds with our surroundings, it's beautiful. I don't want to be without you anymore, but it's hard when you are still someone else's. This letter is my affection. 

I realized, I grew up and still live in a home with lots of fights, addictions, and no affection. I'm too emotional since I was younger and people said it's bad for my growth.

But no one ever knows how deep it was for me to be such a fake-ass girl. I've been dealing with depression for a very long time, lack of confidence, broken trust, and numbness. 

I can smile, laugh, make jokes, and be gentle to people, but I never took care of myself, I hurt her for years, though I know I don't deserve an abuser.

I don't want to blame them even if they deserve it for not knowing how to deal with me, how to take care of me, how to love the artist and the poet inside me, and how to protect my fire.

Since then, I learned how to hold on by myself. I always act like I don't care to save my pride, my values, myself, but the truth is I care so much about myself, but this delusion and bad pointing out of right direction causing everything I see as chaos and abusive circumstances.

I met you, I notice love, gentle hands, nice smile, sparkle eyes, good spirit, kind heart, and I deserve all of those magnificent things to be loved, protected, trusted.