Blank Stars

chapter 18

•Kayla POV•

I sat there in silence, I could faintly hear Sophie crying elsewhere in the house but I felt hollow now. I wanted so badly to go and comfort her to apologize for everything but I couldn’t do it. My pride stopped me, convinced me otherwise. I know that in her own time she would come and compromise until we went back to normal but for now I would endure this silence. I stared around the room looking for something to fill my mind, my eyes settled on my mum’s diary. I opened it up, not to any specific page but just a random page. I wished that she had written more in here about her personal life, I barely remember her but I want to know more about her. My head was filled with thoughts of her as I skimmed through the pages of information. I paused as one in particular caught my eye, I read it more carefully.

‘Well after all my research my theory is pretty solid, everything is beginning to make sense, and if all my information is correct then there is an exit somewhere in this city.’

I re-read it, confused by the content. What exit, to where? I felt my head begin to hurt as a bout of confusion took over before I remembered the domes I had seen sketched everywhere. It must mean that there is a way to get out. I looked over the rest of the entry, but there was no specific place. I placed the diary back as I felt my head beginning to pound, punishing me for trying to think too hard. I sat in the corner of my bed, pressed against the wall, wishing to meld into it.

I thought back to Alec, although he hadn’t said anything I knew that he was upset with me. Guilt threatened to take hold of me but I kept it at bay reminding myself he was at fault in the first place. Wasn’t he supposed to love me, why wasn’t he taking my side on this? Maybe he had decided that he didn’t want to date a crazy person, I wouldn’t blame him if he really had but I hoped that he hadn’t. Especially not now that he had caused me to fall for him. I would need to apologize to him soon, I couldn’t leave things like this if I lost him now I would be alone to deal with Sophia.

I padded across my room and picked up a scrap of paper. Returning to my bed I picked up a pen and began writing a letter. I planned to talk to him in person, I doubt he would be ok with me just writing a letter in apology but I needed to figure out what I was going to say. I wrote, I wrote everything I could think of that would make him forgive me. If I needed to I would even agree to see Marcus again, I just needed him to forgive me. I wonder what Marcus would say if he saw me now, I don’t remember the last time I saw him, not that I particularly care but he probably thinks that I’m beyond help now. Maybe he had some magic drug that would make me normal, something that would make me able to live with Sophia and love Alec without the hallucinations and insanity.

I shook my head to get rid of the ridiculous thoughts, if I started thinking like that I would never get away from him and his team of psychologists. I would end up dependant on drugs and I would probably have to see Marcus for as long as I was on them. I looked back at my paper and crumpled it up, throwing against a wall. I felt anger welling up inside me, I don’t know what from but I felt enraged. I clenched my fists and teeth in frustration, I didn’t even understand my own mind anymore. I threw my fist towards the wall and hissed as my knuckles stung. I felt my anger grow rather and subside, I punched the wall again and pulled my hand back. I pulled back before launching my fist through the wall once again. The wall gave way and I removed my bloody hand. I heard Sophia scampering about, I wonder what she thought I was doing. She swung my door open and looked at me then the wall and then down to my hand. She opened her mouth to say something but I quickly pre-empted her.

“Get out now!”

She stammered something but quickly removed herself from the room. I sat on my haunches and looked out the window, it was pitch black outside, no stars but just pure blackness. I let out a shaky breath and sucked in an icy breath as the pain in my hand returned. I lay down in my bed and wrapped my hand in my sheets. Tomorrow I would see Alec and apologize, or maybe I could call him, I could easily find out his number. I hoped out of bed and walked downstairs, I saw Sophia sitting on the couch. She looked up at me apprehensively but didn’t utter a word.