The one I shouldn't fall for

My new home

Getting off the ferry and seeing Jamie's car is the best feeling I've had today, other than being engaged which was short lived and I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did. The more I thought about everything between Logan and I the more fake I realised we were to each other, I was so insincere. I would be super nice to his face and then go bitch about him to Jamie because of how he acted with me and yet I still convinced myself that I 'loved' him which I obviously didn't and he obviously didn't love me. I also found it a bit strange how he very rarely made it clear to anyone that we were dating, I think during the time we were together we acted like a couple in public twice, one being the night we first met when we kissed at the party. How very fishy. On route back I let my heart out to Jamie by telling him exactly what happened before telling him exactly how I feel about the situation which revealed some things that not even I knew. It revealed that I loved jack more than I thought and I don't know what I would do without him in my life. When he isn't everything seems to go downhill for me and even Jamie agreed that we are meant to be together.
"You and Dooly are known as one of those couples who can go years without seeing each other but as soon as you do after that time everything just comes rushing back like you have never been a part, you are made for each other" Jamie laughs,
"Do you really think so?" I ask,
"Aye I do, what's your plan of action?" Jamie quizzes,
"I don't know, what do you think I should do?" I ask,
"Go to him and tell him exactly what you've just told me" Jamie smiles,
"Drop me off at his house" I state,
"You sure? I'm no Romeo" Jamie laughs,
"Positive" I reply,
For the remainder of the journey I'm quiet and thinking. Thinking of what I'm about to do and if it's the right decision and even though I'm so positive and pleased that I can finally get all of this off my chest I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared and the fact that I have a horrible gut feeling really isn't helping the situation at all. I saw this quote once and it said
"Maybe I'm scared because you mean more to me than any other person. You are everything I think about and everything I need and want"
That is exactly how I'm feeling right now and it's the most perfect quote to describe how I'm feeling and this situation as a whole. Around thirty minutes later the car comes to a halt and I know we are outside his house although I really don't want to look up or admit that I'm finally here and finally need to face the reality.
"Good luck doll, you'll be fine. Do you need my jacket?" Jamie asks,
I finally look up to notice that it's pouring down but I don't want a jacket. I don't care anymore. Bring it on.
"No jams, I'll see you in a bit" I smile before getting out of the car and into the rain. The rain is hitting me hard and I quickly jog into Jack's flat terrace hall where I almost run upstairs to his door. When I see it I stand for around ten minutes pacing and wondering if I'm doing the right thing because he may not want me after all. I finally pluck up the courage to chap the door and he answers shirtless and smiling although his smile fades when he sees me,
"What are you doing here?" He asks, while stepping outside his flat door and closing the door slightly behind him, not asking me in? Ok, hall it is.
"I didn't know if this was a good idea" I state,
"What is it?" He quizzes,
"I need to talk to you" I state,
He looks at me confused probably as to why I'm standing here in an outfit which is soaking wet, my hair like rats tails and I suspect my makeup is everywhere.
"I'm here because I need to tell you how I really feel..." I start before the door opens revealing one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen in his t shirt. That I bought him. Oh my.
"Who is it Jacky?" She asks,
"I didn't know you had company, sorry. I should've phoned or something" I state,
"Go back inside for a minute please" he asks the stunning, young, skinny woman standing before me,
"Is everything ok babe?" She asks wrapping her arms around him,
I can't help but stare at his arms on him and as she touches him I feel myself break, I need to leave. I can't cry in front of these people.
"It's fine jack, we can talk another time" I smile as I go to walk away,
"Rachael?" He asks as I pretend I don't hear him and walk away,
"Rachael!" He demands and I can now hear him running after me down the stairs but I don't stop. Within minutes I'm out the door and running in the rain. I can't see my tears for water but they are there I assure you. I'm so stupid. Why didn't I consider that he had moved on? He deserves it! He doesn't deserve a cow like me when he can get beautiful girls like that who I bet also have amazing personalities and really care for him. I can hear my phone ringing but I don't care.
I like the rain, I've never realised that before. In fact, I love the rain. Rain is amazing, it's a natural force which happens 364 of the 365 days here in the UK and this is the first time I've actually appreciated it. I walk around in the rain for around half an hour before returning to my flat where I order food, go for a shower and find depressing films to watch on Netflix. Jamie comes round with more food and we both eat so much I feel that I could burst. We then decide that we are going on a strict diet with no drinking or smoking for three months and within that three months we plan to be single and stress free which right now sounds like music to my ears. I later go to bed and it's weird that for the first time in six months I've got it to myself which feels phenomenal and means I get to spread out like a starfish and no one can complain about me taking up all of the room in the bed. It's the simple things.
When I wake I realise that I've had the best sleep known to man and I didn't even realise how tired I was, must be with everything that went on I felt both emotionally and physically drained yesterday although this morning I'm feeling happy and refreshed. As I enter the kitchen I remember about the diet and I'm actually going to stick to it because I've let myself go a little over the last few months. I'm trying not to think of Jack but I am a little although I'm seeing him shirtless then her with his top on then when I get really angry I see her holding him and touching his bare chest. Don't know whether to laugh or cry. On my part it was stupid and Anyone is stupid to think that he's not always going to have a place in my heart because he will and no one can ever change that. I make 35 grams of cornflakes for both Jamie and I before taking them through to the spare room where I find him wrapped in a cacoon like ball and sleeping like a baby.
"Jamie!" I state as I tap him,
When he opens his eyes and gives a little grunt I leave the cornflakes on the bedside cabinet before returning to the living room where I catch up on the soaps I've missed since I've been away. Very exciting. Jamie comes through a while later cornflakes in hand and silently sits down beside me and starts to watch my programmes with me.
"I can't afford this place" I state,
As I start to look through my letters, my job just doesn't cover these expenses.
"You know I would help you if I could but money's tight for everyone right now Rach" he replies,
"I know, I know. Before you say it I'm not asking your Dad either because my Mum will order me to move in with them and I seriously don't want to be third wheeling for the rest of my life" I laugh,
"Understood" he smiles, "a few of my mates are coming home soon and they'll be looking for a place" he states,
"Coming home from where?" I ask,
"Where do you think?" Jamie asks,
Prison? I'm not sure I like the idea of that, decisions.
"I'll think about it" I state,
"You should Rach, they're nice enough guys" he replies,
How many is he speaking about and what the fuck have they done?!?!