Forgive & Forget

Chapter 20- Cecelia

Hey, so I'm kinda in a crappy mood. Basically I've been thinking about everything I hate about myself, and a good friend of mine told me that usually it's good to write it out.

I feel as though I'm going to regret this.

My ribcage. Most girls say how they want to be able to see their ribs and whatnot, not me. My ribs jut out of my stomach and it just makes me feel bad about my stomach.

Speak of the devil, my stomach. I have a pretty small waist, but a not-so-small stomach. It starts out fine but then it slopes outward and it's bigger than how I want it to be.

One of the biggest things I absolutely loathe about myself is my legs, calves in particular. My thighs are absolutely huge and scarred and my calves are ginormous. They're always bruised and pale, too. My calves and ankles are just huge and I hate them.

One of the other things I hate is my nose. (Who actually likes their nose, though? Everyone thinks theirs looks bad, but mine's bad.) It's just too big for my face.

Arms. Too big. And I have a problem with my hands- they're too chubby and small. Also my wrists- you can always see peoples' wrist bones and they pop out, but not mine.

One of the big things, though, isn't a physical issue. I'm not anorexic, I swear, but I feel self conscious when people see me eat. I feel like they're judging me for eating too much.

And the fact that I am just a sucky human being in general. Meaning I suck at everything. I'm not the prettiest, the most artistic, the smartest, the funniest, the kindest, or anything. There's nothing that I'm the best at. I'm not anyone's first choice for anything. Hell, I'm probably not even second choice. This used to not bother me, but I'm realizing that everyone is "the best" at something, or has a title, like "the smartest" or "the funniest". I don't have anything like that.

Then again, I am just an adolescent trying to find their way through life. But so many people have found their identities that it makes me think that what if I don't have one? What if I truly AM a nobody?

I'm falling into bad habits again and I can't stop.