The Zen'in Clan

Chapter Twenty-One: Shinosuke

Hiii! How are you? I hope everything is well. This is a warning that there are some triggers in there (I.e stillborn) feel free to skip this chapter if you're uncomfortable. Also this is not a time skip. Happy reading!😊
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I couldn't sleep so I got out of bed and headed downstairs. I headed into my kitchen and made some coffee. "Can't sleep?" I heard a voice behind me. "What are you doing here?" I asked Shinosuke. "It's late. You should be home with your fiancée." "She's having a girls night in with her friends after our date so she kicked me out. Guess I'm not getting any tonight." He chuckled. "And here you are. Coffee?" I asked. "You know I'll never pass up on your coffee." I smiled as I made him a cup. "You know he figured out your feelings for me." I announced as I handed Shinosuke his cup. "Oh yeah?" I sat down. "What did he say?" "He thought I didn't know. I told him I do know and I love you as well. He blatantly said if I didn't know he would've told me and encouraged me to marry you." I took a sip of coffee. "He actually said that?" "I know I was surprised." "Well he's not wrong." "I told him we communicated on it and we decided it was best we remain friends. I didn't want you unhappy with me when I was at my worst. I didn't want to build our relationship over trauma bonding." He nodded in agreement. "I didn't want to do anything to mess our friendship up. You needed me as a friend, not as a lover. If it all went left and blew up in our faces, I would lose you. Only right about now, would've been the best time for us to try it out. If I wasn't happily engaged." I nodded in agreement. "It was a long journey. And I respect you for not taking advantage of it. I'm also very happy for you. Getting married, I'm so proud of you." He smiled. "I know. She's the most amazing woman on earth. I can't wait to take the next milestone with her. I love how she's so understanding about my feelings for you and she doesn't feel like it's a competition." "Well that's because she's a smart woman who knows she does have you in the end. We value our friendship more. She's not insecure, thinking you'd leave her for me. And I wouldn't allow it. But you're a smart man. You know who you want. Can you help I hold a small place in your heart? No. It happens. And I'm sure it'll fade away eventually." "You've been the best version of yourself for a year now. Congratulations by the way. If I haven't found Niseko and we tried it out, where would we be right now?" I took another sip and thought for a minute. "Married. Either carrying our first baby or already had our newborn. That would make me a mom of four. Three Zen'in and one Shigarashi." I explained. "Oh? You would use my last name?" "I'd probably hyphen it. Just to restore the Takahashi Clan." I laughed. Shinosuke laughed along with me. "Would you have me?" He asked as I got up, grabbing our mugs. I made some more coffee. I stirred and handed his back. "If we died today and were reincarnated?" I sat down. He nodded. "Yes. Only if you remember to have me as your bride." He smiled. "Of course. I would never forget you." "Until then...we're partners in crime." We locked our pinky fingers together and kissed the back of our own thumb. "But before we're reincarnated, spend all the time together with your wife in the afterlife." "Of course I will. To eternity and beyond. Megumi still doesn't know about us?" I shook my head no. "But I wouldn't put it past him if he already figured it out. Hoshiyomi already knows. Well he figured it out. But he knows we never slept together. If Megumi finds out, he'll try to convince us to be together. It's odd because he doesn't want me with anyone but he likes you anyway. Him knowing we were never intimate while still having feelings would scream for him to convince us we're a perfect match. I'll speak to him when he addresses it." Shinosuke nodded. "So what are you going to do with him? Would you give him a second chance?" I gushed out a sigh. "I don't know. He knows a tiny part of me still love him." "You still love him?" "It's a bit unfortunate, but I do. I shouldn't, considering the fact that he doesn't deserve it. But he's going to have to work hard for it. He should be able to figure it out." "He doesn't deserve you. Or a second chance. And you know I hate him. He put you and your kids through so much. I'm sure he has a thorough understanding now because he read the notebooks but that's all he can do. Is imagine and visualize it. He wasn't there every single moment like we all were. But if you still love him, then I support your decision either way. I want you happy. And if he hurts you again, he's dead." "Well that makes three of us. Taking him back unearned would be stupid of me." I exhaled deeply. "I just wish I didn't have to put up with this. I shouldn't have to put up with this." "No. You shouldn't. Because he's supposed to protect you. Love you. Cherish you. Support you physically and mentally. Treasure you. Worship the ground you walk on. If I were him, I'd be ashamed and embarrassed with myself. Your eldest son hates you, because you left him twice. The woman who held you down and loved you, you hurt her. Made a fool out of her. And your own daughter doesn't know who you are. You can't touch her and she thinks I'm her birth father. That's an all time low. I'm surprised he can even face you. It's just funny that he thinks he can waltz on in thinking he can repair things with a few apologies and explanations. Well Fix-It Felix, it doesn't work like that. Not after the emotional damage that has been done. He doesn't know how many sleepless nights you had. The nightmares you had of him gone when you woke up that next morning. The stress you had during your first pregnancy because he wasn't there. How many times you were hospitalized and the doctors wasn't sure if you or Naori would make it. What you wrote in your journal was cake walk. You were too emotionally unstable to even write it all in there. He doesn't know that Naori was stillborn. He also doesn't know you went into cardiac arrest died shortly after Naori passed because your organs failed you during childbirth. He didn't see the looks on Megumi and Hoshiyomi's faces when the doctor said you and Naori didn't make it. It's a miracle and a blessing that you both are with us right here, right now. Those doctors worked consistently to bring you both back. Naori came back to us first. It took them hours to bring you back. I called Ieri to help revive you. He doesn't know you were on bed rest for six months due to organ failure. He wasn't there at all!" Shinosuke snapped angrily. Tears streamed down my face like a broken faucet. "I-I'm sorry Y/N. I didn't mean to yell at you. Please don't cry." I felt as Shinosuke wrapped his arms around me from behind. "It's okay Y/N." Shinosuke dropped down in front of me and wiped my tears. He kissed all over my face. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to trigger you with those memories. That was insensitive of me." "I-It's okay. Everything you s-said was true. And I know you mean well. Whether you bring it up or not, I'm always going to remember it." Shinosuke stood me up and wrapped me tightly in his arms. He rubbed my back. "I love you so much Y/N. You've been my best friend for over a decade. I already lost you once, I can't lose you again. And I don't want to see you hurt ever again. We all need you alive, healthy and happy." He kissed my forehead and rest his chin on top of my head. "We should get some sleep." I eventually said. "Please get some sleep. Again I'm sorry for upsetting you." "I know it wasn't your intentions." "Leave the dishes I'll clean them." He offered. "Thanks. Goodnight." I walked out of the kitchen to see Toji standing there leaning against the wall. I walked past him and headed upstairs to my room. I wiped tears off my face again. I sniffed. "I heard everything." Toji said behind me. I turned around to see him standing in the doorway. He closed the door behind me. "Both of you didn't make it?" I shook my head no. "I was stressed during my entire pregnancy and fell into deep depression." I responded. "The last thing I wanted was to put you in danger. He's right. I don't deserve you. At all." I sat down on my bed. "I know it doesn't help but I am truly sorry for putting you through that. Being the reason you both died. It's understandable why everyone hates me and wants me dead. I hate myself so much. Even more than before." Toji dropped in front of me and placed his head in my lap. He was sobbing again. "I'm so fuckin stupid. I-I don't want to leave you again but I just know you're better off without me. Leaving you isn't an option. Please say something. Scream at me. Hit me. Tell me you hate me. I deserve it." Toji begged. "I don't hate you anymore. I'm not going to scream and wake up my babies. Hitting you doesn't help. I already made peace with everything and closed that chapter in my life." I informed him. He wiped his tears. "If you ever change your mind and end up with Shinosuke, I wouldn't stop you." "I'm tired Fushiguro." He got up. "Get some rest." "Just hold me until I fall asleep." He nodded. We got in bed and he held me close. "I'm never leaving you until I take my last breath." He muttered in my ear. I heard crying and jumped up. I got out of bed and rushed into their room. Naori was crying. Naoki was holding her. "She's sad." Naoki told me. I picked her up. "Why are you sad?" I asked her. Everyone rushed in. "What happened?" Hoshiyomi asked. "I'm not sure. Naori baby, what's wrong?" I asked. "Mama died." She wailed. I closed my eyes. She hasn't had this nightmare for a while. I know it's hard on her having that memory of me. I sat down with her in the rocking chair. "I'm right here baby and I'm not going anywhere. Okay?" I comforted her. I choked back tears as I started singing to her. "Do you want to sleep with me tonight?" I asked. She nodded. I wiped her tears and stood up. "Do you want to come too Naoki?" He shook his head no. "I'll take him to bed with me." Megumi offered. He picked up Naoki and left out. Hoshiyomi and Shinosuke left as well. I headed back to my room and Toji followed. I placed her in bed and climbed in next to her. I pulled her close to me. Toji got in behind and pulled me close. I rubbed her back after kissing her forehead. "Go to sleep Naori. I'll be here when you get up." I cooed. I kept rubbing her back until she fell asleep. "It must be so hard on her." "If this doesn't die down in the next few years, she's going to therapy. Right now I can just comfort her as a mom. I'll talk to her tomorrow about the dream." I said as I yawned. I kept Naori close to me and closed my eyes.
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I would've written Y/N's journey throughout the two years but I knew it would've been five chapters of great sadness and didn't want anyone uncomfortable. I figured it's better off being talked about.