Finding Trust and Honesty (bxb)

Chapter 32

Since we had unexpected guests around for dinner I had to improvise, I was looking through the cupboards, fridge and freezer to see what was at my disposal when a familiar set of arms wrapped around my middle. I looked back with a 'really' look and Ben laughed and let go of me.

"Don't let Caesar see you do that," I mentioned as I continued to look for potential ingredients.

"Why?"

"Z," I muttered.

"Come on Nik," he whined.

"Don't call me that, you know I hate it."

"Fine, Nikolas." he corrected exaggeratedly and I simply looked at him with a raised brow.

"He's possessive alright?" I told him and made a quiet 'ah-ha' when I found what I had been looking for to tie dinner together, it was potatoes, obviously, those fuckers were great with everything.

"Possessive?" he echoed.

"Yeah, he gets all growly and goes caveman if someone's touchy with me." for example; Shane.

I get out the peeler and start taking off the skins of the potato, expecting the conversation to finish but Ben was still standing there, so he was obviously intending to ask something else, but was quiet for some reason. "What?" I asked without looking up.

"I was wondering..."

"Yes?"

"Who, you know..."

"No I don't know Ben, just spit it out."

"Whose on top?" he spoke slowly and I glanced up at him.

"Is that really any of your business?" I replied and he scratched the back of his neck.

"Well... no, but I was just curious, you know with you being... well I think you were anyway..."

"That I was what? Straight? I was never straight Ben." I sighed and got out the chopping board and knife to thinly slice the potatoes.

"You weren't?! Then why didn't you tell me?" he sounded a little hurt and was pouting with crossed arms when I looked his way.

I exhaled and set the knife down, wiping my hands on a kitchen towel. "I didn't tell anyone alright? Well, Laurent knew but that's a whole other story. You got out of town early, and you never cared what anyone thought of you. I don't know if it was my anxiety or what but I just couldn't tell anyone, even if I knew they'd be accepting." I breathed out heavily and rested my hands against the counter, slowly shaking my head. "I'm just now admitting to myself that I'm gay Ben, it took me so long to realise that. Being with Caesar it- I've never seen things so clearly."

It felt great to finally say it, I'd said it in different ways but I've never actually admitted that I was gay before, I only liked men, and finally, I was okay with that. I kept denying the fact, that maybe if I was bi I wasn't totally fucked up, I'd never thought that about Max or Ben, I was just so hard on myself. Both of them seemed to always know, I've always been so confused about my sexuality, sex with women is pleasurable, and I can see that their attractive, it just always felt... I don't know... difficult with them? Aside from being a succubus and my need to feed it never felt completely right, right like it did with men, and with Caesar sex with him never felt so right.