Broken Memories

Chapter Eleven

Jason places the mobile on the coffee table and lets out a long sigh, "Shit!" He curses to himself.
Well, that went well, he thinks sarcastically, as he mulls over the conversation they'd just had.
He continues turning over in his mind why he backed off when Beccy started asking about the fans?
He spends so long going over and over in his mind what had occured between them that when he goes to have a sip of his coffee it's gone cold.
"Damn!" He mutters to himself as the cold liquid hits his tongue.
Finally he gets out of the chair and goes into the kitchen to make another one.
Just then his phone rings. Jason checks the name, it's Howard. He lets it ring out, he can't face an interrogation from him just yet.
Jason walks to the back door, unlocks it and steps out into the chill evening air. The moon is out. A small sliver of silvery light hanging in the dark sky.
Jason shivers. The cold air and the darkness suits his mood somehow. He mooches round the garden for a while, the solar lights illuminating the gloom as he wanders by.
He's still pondering their conversation, when his pocket vibrates. He pulls his phone out. It's Howard again. This time a text, asking when the wedding is. Jason smiles ruefully at the cheeky message.
He types a reply, "sod off Doug"and presses send.

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I walk slowly home from the station, in a kind of daze.
Questions run through my head.
Why has Jason reacted so oddly? I can't work it out.
What did I say that was so wrong?
Should I ring him when I get home to find out?
I sigh to myself. Maybe I should just accept it's over before it has even had a chance to begin again?

When I finally get home, I drop my coat and bag by the front door, kick off my shoes and go and run a bath.
Later soaking in the warm comforting water, I breathe out slowly and start to relax, but I let my thoughts wander back to when we first met. We had a wonderful summer. It had started as a holiday romance. Maybe that was all it really was? Though it had lasted into the autumn of that year. Then it had all gone horribly wrong.
I shake my head quickly to stop the memories of that painful time coming back. "No, don't go there" I scold myself.
I get out of the bath to distract my thoughts. After drying myself, I put on my pjs. It is definitely an evening just to veg out on the sofa watching crap telly and ordering pizza from the local takeaway.
I flick through the tv channels. I freeze when I catch sight of the band on one of the music channels. It's an interview from yesteday about the new album. I see Jay's smiling face and catch my breath. I quickly change channels. Tears well up. I blink them away. I'm not going to let him upset me again. No way. Not this time. If he has a problem then he's needs to tell me about it.

I decide to ring him and ask him what is going on.
The phone rings and rings, then goes to voicemail. It's a generic message, just saying he's not available and to leave a message after the tone.
I ask him to ring me back as soon as he can, then hang up. I pour myself a glass of wine and start watching a comedy film to take my mind off things.

The film ends and there's been no reply from Jason.
Well that must be his answer then. He's changed his mind about meeting up and obviously is not interested in rekindling our relationship. Though why would he? It's been nearly ten years since we were together. Maybe he's not changed as much as I hoped?

I decide to have an early night and try and forget any of the recent events have ever happened.

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Jason stared at his mobile as it rang out loudly. He saw Beccy's name and went to answer but then hesitated.

What could he say to her? That he felt scared the fans would hate her? Hate him? Scared he couldn't protect her from the paps? Scared he might hurt her again? Fearful of commitment to one person?
All of the above.

His phone showed he had a voicemail. He listened to the message. It was very short, just asking him to ring back as soon as he could. Beccy sounded decisive and business-like, but slightly brittle.
He'd heard that voice before. It pained him to hear that tone again. Last time it was when they broke up all those years ago.

Jason spent the rest of the evening trying to work out what he could say to Beccy about how he had felt when they'd been talking earlier. Several times he went to phone her but chickened out as he felt whatever he said would make her doubt him and she'd not want to see him again.

He realised he couldn't bear that, but how could he reassure her that he had changed and he did want to try again. While at the same time he was scared that being together while he was in the band might be too much pressure for them both? He hated the thought of the media knowing about his private life. Being papped was his pet hate. It would be even worse as a couple.

It was getting late, so Jason decided it was time for bed, but sleep was elusive. He thought the new book he'd bought the previous week would help him relax and after reading several chapters he started to feel sleepy. Jason eventually drifted off to sleep in the early hours of the morning.