beautiful life • billie eilish

[34] the aftermath

Ezra pov

Twenty minutes.

That's how much time went by since we've came inside. We sat, side by side, on the sofa in my living room, both looking anywhere but at each other. So much seemed to run through both of our minds in that few minutes, that talking was not an option!

"I'm sorry!", her voice was so soft yet raspy from all the crying, that I almost didn't hear what she said. Hearing Billie say sorry...it's not something I was expecting at all! She is such a strong-minded and opinionated person, that admitting her faults and her mistakes, when it comes to intrapersonal situations, does not come like second nature to her.

"What are you sorry for, Billie?", so much seemed to have happened since we met and so much was put under the rug, that her being sorry does not mean as much. Something my father told me once, comes to my mind straight away.

Imagine you're both roses. As time goes by, you keep giving your petals as a sign of trust, friendship, or love, yet they keep throwing their spiky thorns your way. There'll be a time when all they be left with are the petals and that's when you can choose whether you want to give them your own thorns or not.

When he told me this, I was only six and even though I was old enough to understand what he was trying to say, I only truly understood what it meant, now! My situation with Billie made me remember that saying... and now, I guess I have the chance to throw my thorns her way!

"I'm sorry for everything! I...", before she kept going, a perfect shaped tear fell from her right blue eye, making her take a deep breath, "I'm sorry I never told you about Q. I'm sorry if you felt used or like a second choice, because that was not my intention! I met you in the most horrible yet perfect moment! Q and I were not working, so much shit was happening between us and then you came into my life and, I'm not lying when I say that, to me, you looked like a fucking angel that came to get me out of all that!", her hands were holding on to mine, by now we were facing each other and neither of us could look away from the other's eyes, "I'm sorry that I've led you to believe that we were more than friends...all because I liked talking to you and enjoyed being with you! I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you meant nothing because you do! You mean so much to me Ezra and I know I'm being so fucking selfish by asking this of you, but I want you! I want you to be my friend because right now I can't give you more! I want to, so fucking bad Ezra...but I can't!".

Hearing the person you like saying something like that makes your heart clench so tight that you can't seem to breath, or talk, or understand what's being said! You just stay there, unmoving...

"I'm sorry I told you to wait for me... all you've conquered so far; all you've been doing with your talent... you can't have someone like me holding you back! I love you and the last thing I want is for you to lose opportunities to be great and to be your best fucking self, just because I can't be by your side!", she took a look at my hands in-between hers, and looked back up into my eyes. I couldn't help but let the tears fall down my face. If you asked me, in that moment, what I was feeling... I don't think I could give you an honest answer!

Letting go of one of my hands, she rubs my cheek and gently cleans my tears, and I can't help but close my eyes, just by the feeling of her touch. I was so numb that her touch felt almost like a light feather. When the first sob left my mouth, she hugged my body to hers, and then, I was the one crying in her shoulder!

"You'll be so much better off without me, Ezra!", she whispered in my ear, and hearing her say something like that made me cry even more, "I want you to be happy! And right now, I'm not helping you achieve any of your happiness! I'm only bringing you down...and that hurts me more!".

I couldn't help but hug her tighter because it sure felt like a goodbye! Once we let go, she kissed me, so softly, while holding both my cheeks, that I knew it was the end!

"I love you, Ezra!", those were the last words she said to me, before getting up and leaving my house without looking back. As soon as the front door closed after her, my walls crumbled and I could only whisper, "I love you too, Bil".

That night I felt like a child all over again. My dad found me, crying my eyes out and almost hyperventilating on the couch, and without asking anything, he grabbed me and took me to their bed, where my mum was waiting for us. As soon as he laid me down, I glued myself to my mum's body, and she never let me go!