Heartless

Please Read!! Very Important.

First things first, I'm going to be taking a break from writing for a while. Everything that has happened has taken a huge toll on my life, and I just have no inspiration in writing right now. I need some time to just cry things out.

Would you guys still want to read this? I know this is a Zayn book, and it is an AU, but I really want to know.

I want to continue writing this, I really do. Maybe in the future I'll continue writing.

For four years, Zayn has been a big impact on my life, along with the other boys. They've saved me from making bad decisions, and helped me through my depressing times. But I never thought my heart would be shattered when I found out Zayn left.

I was on here actually when a book I was reading updated, so I began to read it but I realized it was about Zayn leaving.

My heart dropped. I didn't want to believe it, so I went on twitter. Everything was there, articles, tweets, the hashtags. Everything felt so surreal, like I was in my own nightmare. Then I began to cry. Just to let you know I was on my was to school, my cousin was driving me.

She asked me whats wrong but I just find have the words to actually say 'Zayn left the band'. So when we arrived at school, I went to my friends and broke down. I couldn't hold in the tears. My friends were supportive, they hugged me and asked whats wrong, and of course I told them. They were sad, but it didn't hit them as hard as it did for me. And as the day dragged on, I had to run my mile. After that, I actually threw up, I was a complete mess. I missed my bus, and had to wait two hours for my dad to pick me up.

I was wiping my tears away quickly as he was driving, my parents don't like me crying for some reason. So when I got home, I rushed to my room and started crying again.

My heart was broken. I could feel my chest clenching with the realization that Zayn left the band. And the worst part is that no one was there to help me through. I truly felt...alone.

So I cried in my bed for hours, didn't want to talk to anyone, don't want to do my homework, I didn't even want to eat. I tried my best to take a shower (when I threw up it got in my hair) but all I could do was just cry silently. No one came in my room, no one heard my sobs.

I didn't realize I cried myself asleep until I woke up two hours later with puffy, sore eyes. It was still night time, and my parents were sleeping, so I forced myself to eat dinner and change into my clothes for sleep. I did my homework, but got stuck and called my friend (he's a guy). I asked one simple question and he replied, then he started talking about something good and happy, which triggered my tears again and I started crying junto the phone. He obviously knew I was crying and said, "what's wrong?"

I told him after the amount of tries I played it off, I finally told him. And he replied with an 'I'm sorry'. That made me cry even more and he said that he doesn't know what to say. Which made me think that no one knew what to say to me, because they don't know what it's like. So I hung up, finished my homework and went to bed. Only that I didn't sleep till one in the morning. I cried so much that today, my eyes are puffy and I can't keep my eyes open.

I'm still crying, and I'm still alone.

I feel useless, because I couldn't do anything to save Zayn. He saved me, but I couldn't save him. I blame myself, I keep blaming myself because I don't know what to do anymore.

Zayn has been the only guy I let in, and hasn't hurt me. I still love him, and I will still support him and the boys with all I got. This fandom is a family for me, I'll never let my family go.

Please let me know if you still want me to continue writing this. There are a bunch of Zayn fanfictions discontinuing because of this. It's sad, but I understand them. I want to get through this, but I feel stuck.

I love you all.

~smileforzayn