My Mistake ⌲ River Phoenix

18; oh when it was sinking in

Almost 3 years had passed since Carmen and Asher's wedding. Rio and I haven't spoken since, I guess I deserve it. It was 1993 now, January to be exact. I knew that things couldn't be fixed; my parents were just the last nail in the coffin.

Carmen and Asher have been great - better than ever. They even bought a house in Nashville, Tennessee - I guess Carmen wanted to try her hand at being an entertainer. I'm assuming her last few years at THE BLUE MOON had inspired her into that career - just not in Florida anymore.

It was kind of bittersweet when she sold the apartment in Gainesville - but, nevertheless, I'm happy for her.

I still live in Paris with Olivier - but we upgraded to a 3 bedroom apartment with a new roommate: Jo. So, no more sharing a bed with Olivier - although every now and then I tiptoe in the middle of the night to his bed and we read books together until we fall asleep. Jo always had her now-husband over, but I think they are working on trying to get a place of their own. For Olly, however, he still remained as hedonistic and promiscuous as he's ever been.

We were like the three musketeers. Life became a little more comfortable knowing that I had finally found a group of friends to call my own, just sometimes wish I had that special someone to call my own.

I haven't kept up too much with Rio and the last movies he's been in. I only watched Dogfight, which inevitably became the only movie to have ever made me cry... It reminded me of the night I had first met him - I guess it was the Holden Caulfield type role he had told me about all those years ago.

It felt weird thinking about him. It was now a thing of the past - unfortunately. I'm sure he's moved on... to someone more emotionally available. I don't think I've even looked at another guy since he left me with my beating heart in my hands. But this is no news to me. Being alone is kind of my thing.

It was Asher's birthday soon, and she was holding a little party at her and Asher's new place. Olly, Jo, and I booked a ticket for Tennessee for a week.

Once we landed we were greeted by a cold gust of wind. It was a windy winter night and we decided to stop at a local bar before getting to Carmen and Asher's place. It was called THE BLUEBIRD CAFE.

It reminded me much of THE HARDBACK CAFE. The atmosphere, the people, everything. I didn't want to admit that I missed it - but I guess most of all, I missed the feeling Rio gave me... a type of bluebird of happiness fleeting feeling.

Olly and Jo found their way into the cafe and sat at a booth in the corner of the room. I, however, had a different idea and decided to take a few shots and maybe drown my thoughts. I am of age now.

I sat at the bar and looked down at my beat-up converse. They were the same ones I wore when I first went to Rio's ranch in Gainesville. I'm surprised they still even fit me - so I let out an audible scoff. I then looked around - the cafe was packed, as it was a Friday night.

"What can I get started for you tonight?" The bartender asked. He was cute, but he seemed phony. Maybe that's just my cynicism speaking, though. I shook it off and put on a fake demeanor.

"Anything that will make me forget shit, honestly," I spoke to him in a snarky tone. He gave me a weird look, but I ignored it. He then began working on some unknown concoction - and it tasted horrible, but I drank it anyway. I didn't just drink it, I downed it. I was going crazy thinking about my old Floridian days.

Within 30 minutes, I was drunk. I didn't like the feeling - but I liked not having to think about anything. If that makes sense... Oh, when it was sinking in I could really feel it.

I wobbled my way over to Olly and Jo who both gave me worried stares. They sat me down and told me to stay like I was a dog. I listened - quite frankly, I was too dizzy to do anything else anyway. They both got up went closer to the stage where a live band was playing. Watching them dance made me feel sick so I ran outside and started throwing up. I then sat out on the cement and dropped my heavy head in my hands.

The music from inside the cafe was loud - loud enough to give me a pulsating migraine. With that said, I decided to stay outside where the sound was merely muffled. I watched as crowds shuffled in and out of the busy cafe.

The night was chilly - and I became cold real fast. All I wore was just a t-shirt and a skirt. Sometimes I forget how dumb I am. I thought alcohol was supposed to warm you? I knew at this point I was just getting more and more freezing so I decided to head back in. And before I knew it, I came face to face with Olly and Jo.

"What are you doing out here!" Jo yelled at me - adding fuel to the fire of my already horrible headache. I started rubbing my eyes. "We need to get you home, let's get your purse." They then pushed me back into the cafe and guided me over to the bar where I had left my purse.

"I see you've got a new tattoo?" I overheard the bartender from earlier ask a man who sat at the bar chair next to my purse. I could only make out his silhouette - but he was a tall man, very brooding and mysterious. My eyes were to blurry to fully make anything out.

"It's a bluebird, the bluebird of happiness," I could barely hear the man reply back - moving his hand around.

"You must really like this cafe, huh?" The bartender joked. I then proceeded to grab my bag but stood still when I heard the tall man with the hand tattoo reply.

"I know it seems like that, but I actually got it because of this girl... I was in love with her for years... I've finally moved on though-" Is all I could hear before Jo and Olly dragged me out and sat me in the car.

As the trees passed by, I sat and thought about the conversation I had just eavesdropped on. I remember I said I wanted to be a bluebird. He must be talking about some other girl...