I'm still standing

36

"Hi" Derek walked in his and Meredith's room

"Hi" Meredith forced a smile

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked as he sat down next to her and rubbed her hand

"Tired" She chuckled "Do you wanna lay down with me please?"

"Of course honey" Derek smiled and climbed into the bed next to her, wrapping his arms around her waist

"Derek?" Meredith whispered

"Hmmm?" He groaned

"Can you help me sit up a little, we need to have a chat" Meredith carefully said

Derek frowned but did as she asked. He let her rest against his chest and rubbed her back

"Derek, I'm thinking to sign the papers" She whispered

"Already?" He gasped

"Once Ellis had her baby" Meredith whispered "Not right after but.. yeah" She sighed

Derek didn't respond and just cradled her body closer to his as he broke out in sobs

Meredith was in pain because of how tight he held her but she didn't wanna interrupt this moment so she tried to lift her hand.

She couldn't open her hand but put her hand on Derek's bicep in a try to calm him down

"Mer, no.. no no no!" Derek started to completely break down

"Derek, shh. Calm down please" She whispered as she tried to keep him calm

"Mer, I don't know what I have to do without you" Derek cried on her chest

"Der, our family will be here. We have a village" She softly smiled "Call Amy, talk to her Der" She whispered as she shakily rubbed her hand up and down

"Can I wait here until you're asleep please?" Derek begged

"Of course. Can you help me lay down please?" Meredith asked and Derek helped her down. As he laid down and wrapped his arms back around her, he started quietly crying again

"Derek, I'll always love you" Meredith whispered

"I love you so much Meredith" Derek whispered as he kept sobbing

Meredith slowly fell asleep with a crying Derek wrapped around her. She would be free from pain but knowing she's leaving everyone behind hurts her a lot

...

"Dad?" Bailey entered the room

"Shh, he's asleep" Meredith whispered

"Is he okay?" Bailey frowned

"He'll be okay. Bailey, can you get me my meds please?" Meredith asked

"Of course mom. Are you okay, should I wake dad?" Bailey asked concerned

"No, let him sleep. I'm gonna nap some more too" Meredith quietly explained "Oh and Bails? I need you to ask your sibling to clear the evening. We all need to talk"

"Okay mom. I'll tell them" Bailey said

"Thanks Bails" Meredith softly smiled

"Call if you need us, mom" Bailey kissed her cheek

"I will Bails" Meredith softly smiled and closed her eyes

She quickly fell in a deep sleep and didn't wake up before dinner

She could hear Zola waking up Derek

"Oh, have I been asleep all afternoon?" Derek gasped

"It's okay dad" Zola said

"Your mom's meds?" Derek started panicking

"Bailey gave them to her earlier" Zola informed him

"Oh okay, I need to clean her catheter bag" He jumped up

"I'm okay. Derek please, what's wrong?" Meredith slowly opened her eyes

"I need to take care of you, Mer" Derek frowned

"Don't do this to yourself, Der" She whispered "Okay?"

"Okay" He sighed

"I'll go continue making dinner, we'll wait for you" Zola smiled "Yell if you need some help"

Derek slowly carried Meredith into the wheelchair as he felt his back aching again

"I told you we should look for a nurse" Meredith whispered

"No" Derek said sternly. Meredith decided to drop it for now, she noticed how emotionally tensed her husband was and she knew she was responsible for it

Derek carefully emptied the catheter bag in the toilet and cleaned up Meredith before he fixed himself a little

They eventually went to the kitchen together where everyone was sitting down talking to each other

"No it's not!" She heard Ellis giggling

"It so is!" Laura laughed

"No!" Ellis laughed and then caught a glimpse of her parents

"Hi guys" Derek smiled as he pushed Meredith inside

They joined them at the table before Zola placed the bowl full of soup on the table. Bailey started filling everyone's bowl and Meredith's mug

Derek had placed a straw in it so she could drink it by herself

Meredith enjoyed the warm liquor in her throat as she mostly had her food through a feeding tube

"Thank Zola and Nena. It's really good" Derek smiled

"No problem dad" they both smiled

"Is there more?" Ellis looked up

"More?" Bailey frowned

"Hey, I'm carrying 2 babies at once!" Ellis defended herself

"We have the main dish, Ellie" Zola laughed

"And dessert!" Nena remembered her

"This is one of the many reasons I love you so much" Ellis giggled

Once dinner was over, Meredith was about to start one of the hardest conversations she ever had. Derek had helped her sit down on the couch

"Mom, you wanted to talk to us?" Bailey asked as they all sat down on the couch after everyone put their kids in bed

"I did.." She sighed "Look, I don't know how to say this and I love you all so much but I'm in a lot of pain and I don't know how much longer I can take it" Meredith carefully said

Ellis immediately buried herself into Nena's arms but Meredith knew her youngest daughter had thought about this before. Nena and Ellis lived with Meredith, they knew the truth about MS

Zola was clutching onto her husband's hand as tears pooled in her eyes but she kept quiet

Instead of Bailey. Laura grabbed his hand but he let go of her and stood up "Mom, you can't do this! Not yet mom!"

"Bailey, I promise you that if I had a choice that I would wanna live until I'm 180 years old but this isn't living" Meredith explained

"No, you can't do this. Dad, why are you letting her say these things?" He begged as he started crying

"Bailey, I promise you that me and mom have had enough talks about this. I don't want this either but I see her in pain every single day. She barely even complains but no one can do this Bailey" He grabbed his son's hand

"But mom, I-" Bailey started sobbing

"Bails, come here" Meredith softly asked and let him hold her for a while

"Mom, we can't lose you"

Meresirh's heart broke once again with the knowledge that she's about to leave her family all by themselves