Loki Misses the Asgardian Prison System

Chapter 27

When Natasha suggested that she and Clint have their own mini movie night, he knew just what to watch: Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It's their favorite stupid movie, great for whenever they need a laugh, and it's definitely providing some right now. They're both doubled over, laughing their asses off at the same stupid jokes they've heard a hundred times by now, and he couldn't ask for a better way to spend his day.

"Surely this movie cannot be that humorous."

Instantly, the laughter stops. Natasha pauses on a brilliant frame of the murderous white bunny, and they both look over to see Loki in the doorway to the man cave, an eyebrow raised.

"Hey!" Clint says irritably. "This is a closed movie night!"

Loki just smiles. He steps into the room, far too much contempt in his movements for a man in his position. He's clearly come here for a reason, and one he is very pleased with himself about. He stands in front of the TV, looking down at them with a mischievous smile.

Natasha sighs. "As exciting as it is to finally see you without your babysitter, we're kind of in the middle of something."

Loki looks at her while she speaks, but, unphased by that, he turns his attention to Clint. "She's the only one who knows, then."

"Who knows what?" Natasha asks.

Clint knows exactly what he's talking about. "She is," he says. "I'd like to keep it that way."

"I thought as much," Loki says. "Though I can't say I understand why. Do you truly trust your friends so little that you feel you must keep your family hidden from them?"

Clint narrows his eyes. He's not falling for the bait. "What do you want, Loki?"

"Oh, nothing," Loki says, but his smirk says otherwise. "I merely wished to satisfy my curiosity."

"Bullshit," Clint says. "What are you trying to do?"

"Must every question I ask have an ulterior motive attached?"

"Yes," Clint and Natasha say in unison.

Loki chuckles. "Okay, I concede," he says. "I may have some ult—"

"You're not telling them anything," Clint interrupts. He's not. Clint would sooner put an arrow through his head, and even the wrath of an angry Thor won't stop him, should he care enough to ever check on his brother's well-being again.

"Of course not," Loki says. "I would never dream of violating your trust in such a way."

Clint glances at Natasha, who looks back at him warily. There's definitely a but. He can feel it coming.

"However," Loki continues, "there are times, albeit infrequently, that I may get a little too angry. I have been known to say and do some things I may later regret."

Clint scoffs. "Are you trying to threaten me?"

"I would never," Loki says, which is, of course, a complete lie. "No, I am blackmailing you."

Clint purses his lips. Of course he is. Because why wouldn't the psychopathic murderer upstairs just randomly decide one day to blackmail his housemates? He takes comfort in the knowledge that, should Steve and Tony find out about his family, they shouldn't be in much more danger than they are now with only a select few people at SHIELD knowing of their existence, but it still increases the chance that they'll somehow get pulled into this fight that they have no part in. He doesn't want to take that risk if he doesn't have to.

"And in exchange for keeping your mouth shut," Natasha says, "you want... what?"

"It's simple," Loki says. "I want you to leave me alone."

Clint furrows his brows. "You what?" That's what they've been doing. They've hardly seen him since they moved in. They barely even consider themselves his babysitters anymore; that's all on Steve. As far as they're concerned, he's just a funny joke to laugh about when he's not around.

"I want you to leave me alone," Loki repeats. "I don't anticipate seeking you out again and I presume you won't seek me out, either, but I'm not naïve enough to think that means we will never see each other again. If you would like to buy my silence, you must do so with your own. One more demeaning remark out of your mouths, I may start dropping names. I believe I still remember an address as well. It would be a shame if that fell into the wrong hands, would it not?"

"Are you really trying to threaten children?" Clint asks.

"If that is how you choose to see it, then yes, I am," Loki says. "But for such a small price, I had assumed we would strike a deal with relative ease."

"And how long until you tack something else onto this deal of yours?" Natasha asks.

"What else would I add?" Loki counters. "I see no possible way you could be of use to me. You are the most useless Avengers. I have quite literally nothing to gain."

"We are not useless," Natasha says, which really isn't the point right now and it's definitely not something Clint would have said, but he will admit, he was thinking the same thing.

"Of course you are," Loki says. "In comparison to the others, at least. Stark is the brains; Thor is the brawn; Rogers is the spirit; Hulk is the last-moment uncontrollably lethal weapon. That doesn't leave much room for the two of you — but I digress. I have laid out my terms. Do you accept?"

Clint narrows his eyes. "You're a pain in my ass. You know that, right?"

"Of course," Loki says with a smirk.

Clint glances at Natasha, who just shrugs. This actually doesn't sound like a bad deal. He'd like to make fun of Loki when he sees the guy, but he'll survive if he doesn't. He just feels like there has to be more to this. Clint knows the extent of what he'd do to keep his family a secret, and though there are many things he wouldn't do, Loki doesn't know that. He has all this pull, and he's not going to use it? This is really all he's asking for? He doesn't like it and he doesn't trust it.

"Fine," Clint says finally. "We'll leave you alone, you leave us alone, and we pretend this never happened."

"Good choice," Loki says. He smiles, gives a single smug nod as a farewell, and walks out without another word.

Clint lolls his head back, staring up at the ceiling with a scowl. Logically he knows that wasn't actually too bad; it's not like Loki really asked too much of them, but he's still pissed. He really had to bring Clint's family into this? His kids?

"And to think," Natasha says, "Steve almost had me thinking he might not be as bad as we thought."

Clint looks over at her in surprise. "Really?"

Natasha shrugs. "Yeah, I mean, Steve seems to think he's not that bad. He was talking about his old friend who died in the war earlier and it almost looked like Loki actually felt bad for him. It really had me thinking for a second there that he might be capable of not being a complete dick all the time."

Clint chuckles humorlessly. "Being a dick is his thing. I don't think he's going to stop any time soon."

"Apparently not," Natasha agrees. "But hey, all he wanted was for us to leave him alone. That's not too bad." She puts an arm around him in a very awkward side hug, resting her head on his shoulder. "Laura and the kids are gonna be fine. And we can still talk just as much shit behind his back."

Clint gives her a small smile. "Thanks, Nat." He rests his head on top of hers. "You always know just what to say."