Loki Misses the Asgardian Prison System

Chapter 153

"Fuck, marry, or kill," Clint slurs, already chuckling before he's gotten the full question out. "Ryan Gosling, Steve Carrell, or..." He gestures vaguely with his beer bottle as he tries to think of another name. "Kevin Bacon."

"Easy," Tony declares. "Fuck Ryan Gosling 'cause he's obviously the most attractive one here; marry Kevin Bacon so that I can take his last name; kill Steve Carrell because fuck Steve Carrell."

Bruce scoffs. "What's wrong with Steve Carrell?"

"He ruined The Office when he left," Tony says. "That's what's wrong with Steve Carrell."

"Alright, hold on, hold on," Natasha says. "Did you just pick three dudes from Crazy, Stupid Love?"

Clint slaps a hand over his heart as though she's offended him dearly. "I would never–"

"You did, didn't you?" Natasha asks, a smirk on her lips.

Clint heaves a dramatic sigh. "I did," he admits. "I really did."

"I can't believe you're gonna make me choose between fucking and marrying Ryan Gosling," Nikki whines. "Can't I marry him and fuck him?"

"Well, he will be your husband," Jennifer says, "so I don't see why not."

Nikki's eyes light up at that. "Then I'll kill Kevin Bacon and Steve Carrell, 'slong as I get to fuck Ryan Gosling." She licks her lips for emphasis.

Loki looks up at Steve, whose shoulder she's been laying against since the world started getting a little spinny. "Who's Ryan Gosling?"

"I think he's an actor," Steve says.

"He must be a hot actor," Loki says with a giggle.

"Apparently," Steve agrees, but he doesn't care. Of course he doesn't care; he's a straight dude. Stupid straight people.

"We gotta get some people Loki knows," Natasha decides. "Somebody name a bunch of people Loki knows."

Tony raises his hand proudly. "I've got this one," he declares. "Fuck, marry, kill: us Avengers."

There's a chorus of oohs from the others, as though this could possibly be a difficult question to answer, but the answer is obvious, really.

"You, you, and you," Loki says confidently. "I will have my princely riches if I must commit spousal murder to get them." Princely? Princessly? Is that a word, princessly? Her princessly riches.

The remaining party guests – the Avengers and their friends; it's more of a post-party get-together now – laugh at that, and though it's entirely possible that it's just because they're all drunk, she chooses to believe it's because she is just absolutely hilarious.

"No, no, no, for real, though," Tony says. "Fuck, marry, kill."

"I don't know if we want her to answer this," Pepper says, though her (mostly sober) smile says otherwise.

"Speak for yourself," Sam says. "I am fascinated."

Loki heaves a dramatic sigh. "Oh, let's see," she muses. "Fuck Rogers – no, marry Rogers! I'm gonna marry my Stevie." She looks up at him with a smile, and Steve shakes his head to himself, amused. "Fuck the Widow, and kill Barton." To the archer, she adds, "No offense; I just hardly know you."

Clint waves that off. "None taken."

Tony scoffs. "Wow, I don't get fucked, married, or killed?" he asks, offended.

"Yeah, what're you gonna do to Bruce?" Jennifer asks.

Bruce shoves her playfully. "Stop it! I don't want to know!"