Star Wars Oneshots

The River (MD)

TW: suicide attempt, hospitals

Paz's Point of View

The windowless walls of the infirmary are too white, almost blindingly bright with the overhead fluorescents. The white linens stretched crisply across the bed and beeping machines surrounding it make the room terrifyingly clinical.

Paz sits in an uncomfortable chair by the bed, equally motionless to the teenage boy lying on the pillows.

Din's gaze is vacant as he stares at the wall, neither he nor Paz willing to face the bantha in the room. Not that a bantha would fit in the tiny space with walls so close together they made Paz claustrophobic.

He can only imagine what is going through Din's head, the heart monitor steadily beeping, IV dripping, and the second hand of the clock on the wall ticking slightly louder between fifteen and twenty seconds.

Paz does not want to be the first one to speak, so he waits for Din to.

He'd been waiting for almost a day.

As teenagers, they haven't yet sworn the creed, and Paz thinks this is both a blessing and a curse, wishing that a flicker of emotion or recognition or something would cross Din's face.

A healer comes in the room and pokes at the controls on the machines all hooked up to Din, looking so small in the bed. They offer Din nutrient paste; Paz waves them aside with a weary hand. Din wouldn't eat it anyways.

Paz fights the feelings of exhaustion descending on him, stubbornly waiting for Din to move.

He hasn't yet seen the younger man blink.

Finally, Paz breaks the silence. "You know you're my best friend." The statement is low and gravelly, his voice cracking from disuse.

Din does not respond. Paz isn't sure if he can even hear him.

"I knew how you felt," Paz continues, "but I hadn't realized this would happen."

Another pause. Din closes his eyes. So he can hear, then. 

"I'm not mad," Paz whispers. How could I be? "I love you more than anything."

Only then does he notice the single solitary tear drifting down Din's cheek and remembers the word Din carved into his skin so long ago. He clamps his eyes shut against the memory, but the image of the letters spelling out worthless, dripping with blood and Din's wide-eyed expression as Paz opened the door is seared into his mind.

Please don't feel guilty, Paz wants to beg, but he knows this won't help. 

It's hard to help someone who believes they are beyond help. Maybe this is what drove Din to front-flipping into an icy river, just moments after he had smiled and said he was okay and signed off their comm call abruptly.

Moments later, Koska was frantically yelling into Paz's comm, telling him Din had done something and she was crying and running through trees and then the healers were there and Din was on the beach and he wasn't breathing but then he was and Koska was crying and Paz was numb and Din was safe. 

But he wasn't okay.

Paz, back in the hospital room, inhales sharply, forcing the tears welling in his eyes to disappear.

"Din, please..." Paz's voice cracks. He tries again. "Please say something."

Din opens his eyes and chuckles humorlessly. "Since when has anything I've said been worth something?"

Paz's eyes widen in shock and sympathy. How can you say that? "Since always."

He meets Din's eyes for the first time since he had jumped into the icy river, and the eyes of the boy looking back are filled with such depth, such pain, such overwhelming sadness that Paz immediately understands why Din had gone to such lengths to end his life.

"I'm lost and I can't be saved." Din closes his eyes, taking in one shuddering breath. "Please, just let me die." His eyes tear up as he whispers, "Let me die." 

His tone is tired, exhausted, and Paz prays to all the gods he knows of that Din hasn't lost hope completely.

"Din." He looks up, and Paz's heart breaks all over again. "I won't let you die, because then you wouldn't be alive and that would make you significantly less likable." The attempt at humor pushes both of them back into silence.

"I still hate myself," Din says finally, "but maybe one day I can learn to love myself."

Paz can't help the smile that comes out after that. "I know you can, pal. You are perfect."