If I Only Were

My Own Hell

I have it rough at home. And at school. I don't have a safe haven at all, no place to hide. My life is hell. And people wonder why I have cuts on my arms?
People don't understand the struggle I go through. Depression and schizophrenia.
I hear voices everyday, telling me to give up, telling me to give in. But I hold on. I have for five years.
I was eleven when my mom died. She beat me, hurt me, I still have scars. From that grew my depression.
Then, before my mom passed, she enrolled me in an all boys school.
So I'm referred to as "A Mutt," "A Mistake," "An Idiot," "A Mutation."
Thanks mom, school was just grand.
From the teasing, grew my schizophrenia, and I hear those voices in my head every day.
I've attempted suicide too many times to count. Thanks to the voices. But I'm not ready to give up. I believe that I'm on this earth because I have a hidden meaning. Though, I may never find it...
-
School is.... okay. I get mediocre grades. So what's to be sad about?
I just don't fit in. I couldn't possibly. I'm the only girl in the whole school. But I'm also known as "The Suicidal Whore."
I'm not a whore. And I won't argue that I'm suicidal. Because well, I am. I shouldn't lie. Don't add another thing to the list of mistakes I've made in my sixteen years.
I have one friend. Calum West. Oh god, I can't think about him without blushing....
He is my best and only friend. And also the love of my life, though I don't show it.
Calum is probably the only reason that I'm still on this Earth.
Honestly, I've attempted suicide a couple of times. But Calum always stopped me.
School is hell, home is hell, but with Calum everything is heaven. I'm not trying to be weird either...
-
"Hey, Aria, will you do my homework? Or would you rather go home and cut?" Asher laughed in my face. "Maybe you should just go home and kill yourself."
All the other boys laughed. I held back my tears.
Asher pulled up my sleeve and yanked up my arm. There were cuts all over. Slices. Scars. I blushed in embarrassment and hid my face.
"Aria Rowens is our very own Suicidal Whore!" He kept hold of my wrist, displaying it to the world.
I yanked it back. "Maybe you should mind your own business. And I'm not a whore..."
"Oh come on, kiss me already."
"I AM NOT A TOY. OR A WHORE. OR A DISPLAY CASE."
"What are you gonna do, commit suicide over it? Cut?"
"I'd rather die than date you, kiss you, or even stand next to you." I swiftly got up from my desk.
I went to the bathroom where I knew I could be alone.
I took out my razor.
A cut a day keeps suicide away.