If I Only Were

If I only were pretty.
If I only were smart.
If I only were skinny.
If I only were gone.
If I only were...
If I only were...
If I only were...
There is nothing more right to me than those four words.
If I only were...
-
I was proud of myself. I had made it so far. So very far. A month! A whole god damn month! But I was wrong, my life continued into the agony that it once was.
I was back to the regular me. The one saying back and forth to herself, A Cut A Day Keeps Suicide Away.
I knew it shouldn't have been long. Life just hates me, so why keep on living?
Calum.
That's why.
I have to hold on for him. For my best friend. Well. Should I?
I don't even know anymore.
I've stayed for five years in agony. Is it even worth living anymore?
Sorry for not being sorry. I just can't continue.
I have a question for you:
Do you ever just feel depressed? When there's nothing wrong? No one is hurting you, people are helping you, and nothing bad is happening, because your thoughts of their words and actions have burned into your brain and became your living hell? Am I the only one, the only one that there is something wrong, when there's nothing wrong? When life is shit, but there's nothing shitty about it? Hurting, cutting, dying inside, but there's no reason to?
I just don't understand what is wrong with me. Life has been grand.
I guess I just came to the realization that well, life is shit.
I have nothing to be happy for. Staying alive is what's killing me. I just don't belong here.
I don't need any help, I just need someone, anyone, to love me and accept me for who I am.
I'm just slowly giving up. I don't have a reason. Calum, please pull me out of this darkness. Calum, help me find the light. I just need someone...
Please.... someone....
I need someone, someone who truly gets me. Oh god please, if you're here to help me, please give me a sign...
My smile has been telling EVERYONE, "I'm fine!" But deep inside, my heart is screaming, "Let me die!"
I just don't understand what went wrong. I never had anything to be depressed about. I just am.
I guess I'm not meant to be happy...
Everyday is getting harder and harder for me, yet no one seems to care anymore. But it's not like they did in the first place...
I was able to croak out one word. "Calum..." The tears started to stream down my face. Why was my life such a living hell? Why?!
That night, I laid in my bed for hours in the dark, thinking about every possible thing I fucked up in my lifetime.
I...just....don't.....understand......
I resorted to the Internet. A somewhat... happy place.
So, I messaged Calum.

"What would you do if I told you I wanted to die?"

After that I just stayed there, writing.

As I got older, the monsters from under my bed slowly crept into my mind.

What am I going to do?