The Date Planner

2. 19. Dreams That I Wished

Justine's POV

"Clinton, stop!", the moment those words left my mouth, I knew I had fucked up.

That too, big time. Making me stop dead in my tracks. It's crazy how my half-conscious brain could easily comprehend how I said the wrong name but couldn't have stopped me from doing it.

Fear and dread like any other settles deep in my stomach.

Dear God, no. What have I done.

I lift my head and look at Jason to gauge his reaction. I can see the confusion in his face. I can feel his pain. I can't stand the sight of it.

I sit up immediately and turn away from him, closing my eyes for a second in disdain as an image of Clinton pops up in my head almost making me regret my actions. All of this that I've been doing with Jason.

I open my eyes as if doing that might somehow make his image in my head go away. I can feel Jason's eyes on me, digging a hole in my back which is facing him right now.

My breath falls short and I almost collapse forward with the slight flashback I had in my head.

Running a rough hand through my hair, I clutch my forehead as clear signs of a massive headache coming on hit me.

Oh my God, I want to kill myself.

I feel my hands shaking.

"Oh my God, Jason I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to-I just-I", I start but it's all stutters.

"Hey, calm down", he tries to coax me.

I can feel his hand reaching out for me as I hear the sheets ruffle at his movement which only makes me flinch.

I try to control myself but I can't help flinching. I know what Jason must be thinking and I know how tired he must've been of my antics.

It's been too long.

Too long since I have even thought about Clinton. Ever since Jason came back to New York, all I've been thinking is about him. Clinton is more like a fleeting memory now. Like it's something only I'm holding onto and I did use him to avoid Jason when he came back.

I guess it's Karma's way of laughing at me, for reminding me what I've been doing. To get a hold of my senses and look at what the heck am I actually doing.

Jason deserves way better than a mess of a person like me. But he's stuck with me.

The silence in the room is sickening.

"It's okay, Justine. It's not a big deal. I understand", I hear him say but I'm too lost in my head.

"You do?", I want to laugh in his face for being so put together by this.

Of course, it's a big deal. How is it not?

"Yeah"

He tries to smile or more like it's a very good attempt but I can tell he's lying.

"I-", I start if only to call him out on it because I'm so fucking angry on myself but I stop instead.

It's no use, I realize and let it be. Instead, I sigh standing up.

"I'll make us some coffee", I tell him and give him a small smile, hoping it reassures him.

Before turning around and leaving the room.

***

I'm disturbed for the rest of my day. I can't think straight enough to work, all I do is beat myself up in my head for doing what I did.