The Date Planner

2. 21. Dilemma

I didn't sleep the whole night.

She was in my arms and that was all that I needed. It was like a dream come true. A dream so dear, I didn't want to loose it. So I stayed awake.

Not knowing how long it will last. But until then, I can take my fill of her to long me my whole lifetime.

My eyes ached but I wouldn't leave even for a single wink of nap.

She was in my arms, her head on my chest, her soft breaths brushing against my chest. One of her arms thrown carelessly around me and my hand in her hair.

I breathed in her head every few seconds, committing the scent of her to memory.

All night I couldn't stop, even if every last time drop of me had been drained, I couldn't. I didn't want to. And it seemed neither did she.

We were spent in the early hours of the morning and now it's almost afternoon.

I can feel the sun on my skin from where it's streaking through the curtains from the window.

So many years of pent up anticipation and here we're now. Even when she's asleep, I see her hand on my chest twitching every now and then as if suddenly remembering it's me. And then the same hand pulls me closer to her as if reassuring this time, I'm here.

I'm still here.

She's glowing underneath that sunlight that's coming in through the window and I can't help but admire her beauty.

Justine had always had that innocent charm to her. She still does and in moments like these when I realize that she has been facing the world by herself, I just want to pull her closer and protect her from every damn thing that comes for her.

She never deserved Clinton's death. She never wanted an empire to herself. I knew that from the first time we had met.

She had always wanted to just be. Live a simple life. That's all she ever wanted.

At times, I wonder if it was me who brought her into all of this. But then I crush the thought because it's too much to bear.

The fact that I had caused her so much pain alone from being away for five years doesn't help my case either.

The guilt creeps in. It doesn't let me live. The fact how much I pained her and how I'm an asshole right now to just want her despite it all.

Makes me feel how selfish I'm for just wanting her. I don't know how she can forgive me for it all but I'm just glad she still wants me as much as I do.

That thought calms me a little. And I just lay there for a while with her wrapped around me.

It's totally silent, just the peaceful sound of birds engulfs us until...

someone sneezes...on me.

That someone being Justine herself.

A little appalled at that because she was sleeping and then suddenly...

Unless...

"You've been awake this whole time, haven't you?", I ask her softly despite my confusion.

She shifts a little at first before lifting her head towards me sheepishly.

"umm... yeah", she says as she tucks a stray of her hair behind her ear.

Her eyes are still puffy, a little sleep deprived and her hair is a mess. Yet she still looks angelic.

"why?", I say mindlessly.

She knows what I'm implying even though I'm so lost in her that I'm barely able to utter a single straight sentence.

She sighs before rolling away from me, making me face her back now as she curls up in herself.

"what?", I blurt out, a little disappointed at the sudden distance.

She shakes her head though as if not wanting to tell me.

Not liking the distance, I pull her up back against me with my arm around her waist. Her back to my chest.

I heard her almost inaudible gasp as I drew my face closer to her ear.

"Tell me", I whisper before kissing the soft shell of her ear.

I feel her naked length shiver a bit against mine.

And for a second there, I fear she regrets last night.

She hesitates, stretching up my anxiety. But draws a breath before answering.

"I didn't know if it was real", she admits, turning around in my arms and facing me.

I feel the press of her breasts against my chest and almost groan out at the sensation but hold it in.

"what do you mean?", I say softly, gathering her up in my arms and tangling our legs.

"if what happened last night was real. I could feel you against me but I was afraid if I opened my eyes, you would be gone", she whispers the last part.

And I almost breakdown at that.

The guilt creeps in again. Like a wave that cannot be stopped.

But I wanted this. I wanted her. I don't care if it makes me a greedy bastard anymore.

I feel her bury her face in my chest almost hiding away from me.

I'm just too stunned to react otherwise so I let her be.

And just caress her head in comfort.

"I'm sorry", it comes out of mouth without even me knowing.

She shifts her face back up at that to look at me. Her expression says it all, the furrowed concerned eyes as to what I'm sorry about.

"I don't know what came over me last night. I don't regret it but I shouldn't have. Not when you have never indicated-", she cuts me off.

Placing her hand on mouth and shushing me.

"You don't have to be. I wanted it just as much. I just... I could never muster up the courage to ask you about it", she stumbles on her words and I see as her skin flushes at that.

Our eyes meet and all I want to do in that moment is kiss her.

So I remove her hand from my mouth and kiss her.

Tracing her lips with mine softly. Taking my sweet time in exploring her mouth all over again.

***

By evening, we've had something in our stomachs no thanks to the takeaway we ordered.

Cleaned up and freshened enough to start the day when everybody is probably ending it.

"Where's Cole?", I randomly ask her as she maneuvers around her kitchen for a cup of coffee.

She looks back at me with an endearing smile as if saying 'isn't it too soon you remembered him?' before getting back to business.

"What?"

"He's over at Eleanor's. She was supposed to pick him up yesterday from school and bring him back today. Infact, she should be arriving any minute now so you should get dressed", she warns me over her shoulder.

Still being her teasing little self.

Although, that really snaps me out of it.

I rush into her room and put my shirt back on before going back out.

To my surprise, there's already banter in the kitchen when I arrive.

As suspected, Eleanor was back with Cole. And Cole was back in his mom's arms.

I look over at the two silently and stay still so as to not ruin the reunion. They looked too happy anyway. In that moment looking at them, something blooms in my chest. A little warm and a little heavy.

I realize this is something I can have. This is a piece of her world and if we stay together, if someday she would honor me with that privilege of being with her forever, I could have this.

And that's when it clicks in me. This is something... I would want to be mine.

They seem perfectly happy together and I just want to be a part of that happiness. I just hope I don't end up ruining it.