The Cruel Side of Hearts [COMPLETED]

Prologue

    This story is dedicated to Ethel, and the  years of my mind sending me places I wish I never knew.  For lying, twisting your words and making me hurt even more. I am so fed up with asking you to stop. And you told me its ended but your behaviour did not change. I am terrified of stating a single opinion now because I know you will somehow manage to guilt trip me into thinking I did horrible acts. Yes, I did wrong, but I changed and this fucking thing is still bothering me even after I am gone.

 Your literal name makes me shiver. I promise you darling, if I could your annihilate your memory this very moment I would. But even that thought is making my mind pulse and my skin crawl. You have managed to make even myself side with you for a while, and despite me trying to call out and to stop this hellhole that my brain has given me, it does not stop. Thanks to you I once felt like the worst possible thing. 

To be fair, you don't know this happened. No one really knew because its a little secret that held onto me with a dead man's grip. If you ever come across, just know that I am done seeing you as an innocent victim. I suffered for the crimes that you have committed. Now its your turn to beg for forgiveness.]

I wish I knew that you were broken,

Then I'd avoid your poison love,

From the shattered words unspoken,

You fell like a star from above.

Perhaps one day I will be awake,

without this shadow in my mind,

But I am here, and for my own sake,

I keep on looking far behind.

I wish your actions stopped the burning,

Not add the sparks into the flames,

And with regrets and tears I'm learning,

But I keep burning all the same.

Because of you I'm always haunted,

With this old shadow in my mind.

But is this what you've always wanted?

Just let me  leave this all behind!!

I know I'm speaking to a silence,

And half of this is not your fault,

Yet every time I chose defiance

It coats this ancient wound in salt.

I'm in no need of your redemption, 

Your will does not matter to me, 

I'm moving on, leaving this shadow.

I'm bringing light for I am free.

 ...

 It found me, I found it and at first I hated it. You're the one who summoned it and attached it to my existence. It was one day, then three, then ten. I hoped dearly it would leave, but it stays.

     Sometimes I feel like its about to break through.  Chatter the walls I put in its wake, burn my mind, and  I would burn you.

Now I want you to burn.

      You delight in my discomfort when I tell you I'm afraid. You made me fear a part of me that likely wont leave. A part of me that caused destruction. My actions later made my mind cave in and trap it in a box behind a wall that my actions towards you have caused me.

     Maybe i'm selfish and am trying to control it all for the wrong reasons. But tell me, would the reason matter if people are safe? Would it matter if I want to keep it away for my own sake as well?

     Maybe if i could wake up when it's there it wont consume my mind anymore. It would finally be under control. Because what is anger but a sharper, more deadly side of sadness? Of misunderstanding? I have once tried to believe its not me. But it is and you knew it right from the start. And I could tell by your smile that you knew. I refused to believe you were at fault. I refused to hold you responsible for anything, everything. The lies, the twisted words. When I would go for advice and support you knew how to twist this knife even deeper into my chest. How to play victim. Make me believe that every vile thing that my mind conjures is truth.

Perhaps it is.

     But nothing, nothing. I kept running into the same walls, the same words. Every little action became a dangerous game, a fear of waking it. Of becoming it. A fear of my mind being no longer my own. A path made of shards of broken glass. And emptiness. Once It wakes the emptiness becomes suffocating. The only comfort was my mind telling me that its true. That I should stop trying to deny it. That I should leave then every one would be safe. That the walls will crumble, and that there are no two things. Just me. 

You told me that if I leave then it wont return, yet you trap me here and expect me to lust for you. That was years ago, but now I have tamed it, and it became a deadly projection of myself. I am no longer the weak boy that you have tormented. I am resilient. I am powerful.

And I am coming for you.