The Cruel Side of Hearts [COMPLETED]

Chapter 16: Biting my Tongue

I used to like you...maybe..maybe not.

But who could ever, who had ever thought,

That all my mind would do is trap me with you,

And all the pain you caused would make me miss you.

And after all, I  could feel myself rearranging,

And make me feel so much that I don't know,

Afraid to think, almost could feel myself changing,

Two broken wings that would soon drag me far bellow.

The creature in my head would roar in glory,

While I would cry and scream and beg to leave,

I then look at your eyes, forget the story,

I soon forget the things that I believe.

What are the roles in this old book of ours?

Who is the villain, and who needs to be saved?

My mind is growing crazy by the hours,

At death by love that I for so long craved.

And Is the monster in my head just a projection?

Is it just me or is it just a screwed up thought?

How could I be when all I needed was affection,

I'm not a monster, am I? I am not!

Why is it that when it is fading I now miss it?

How it became a friend when I felt most alone,

A nightmare dressed up as a dream...but is it?

The monster I have feared became my home.

I was living with Ethel for about a year and a half. You might be surprised at what I'm about to tell you.  Or maybe not. Well here it is: the most recent times when I saw a joyful Ethel I were almost as hard as when she wasn't around me. She let me exist near her, but always left me on cool terms. She always kept a distance between us.  Other guests came to see her, and it was like everything was fine, but in the bright light of her joy I could feel myself slipping further into the shadows.

How many times have I tried to engage in conversation, to try to pretend that I belong here.But every time I have come across as frustrated, the video of all my words just beating like shots, and how Ethel's eyes darken a bit when I try to communicate.

Before me came a long period of humility.  For a long time I couldn't bring myself to believe that Ethel was happy without me. That she is whole and well, And that she doesn't need my presence to feel happy.

I remember the first time we parted, she was so anxious to make things right with us, And I was a fool to push her away. Well, there you go, I pushed her away.  She got used to it and went on with her life.  She doesn't need me anymore, and she'll probably have a much better life without me.

After that, I tried to find a replacement. Exactly a replacement, I didn't want any serious relationship.  I just wanted someone to see me as the main point of their life.  For a while I think that's exactly what I wanted with her too.  I don't think I ever had any real feelings of love for her.  And most likely there weren't any.

I wanted her to look at me with admiration.  I enjoyed hearing all the compliments, I enjoyed kissing her.  I enjoyed listening to the words of others as they told me how beautiful we looked together.  It felt good to be in the middle of something.  To be noticed.

Sometimes I turn out to be a very greedy person.   When I got a taste of a little drop of this life, I couldn't stop.  I wanted more, more, and that thought just ate me up inside.  I didn't look at Ethel as a person, all I could see her as was a prize. A new level of this twisted game I made up in my own head.

I'm glad I understand. I'm glad I can say now that I'm not that person that I was before.  Of course I still have a long way to go to learn.  The first thing I'll need to figure out is what this thing, love, is all about.  I'm know it's not just when people tell you that, or when people  do something.  Love is a feeling you don't know until you feel it.

Listen my dear reader, have you ever looked at a couple on the bus hugging together and maybe sharing a scarf in a cold winter.  Have you looked at them and thought about how much you wanted to be like them.  You just started to immediately hate those strangers, because that happiness you'd wanted for so long was right in front of your eyes, but you never got to seize it.

Your jealousy was so strong that you had to avert your eyes, and tried to distract yourself just so you wouldn't beat that happy couple inside your head.  That's how it was for me.  And even now it pains me a little to look at those people who found their happiness.  I'm an Impatient person, but maybe that's why I have to wait so long.

I decided I was tired of waiting.  I got out of bed and went out into the hallway and slowly closed the door behind me.  I did not have a lot of stuff on me.  Slowly I crept down the hallway, trying to avoid all the creakiest parts of the floor.

A pale moon could be seen in the window.  Slowly I opened the front door and ran out into the courtyard.  A perfect silence reigned and faint songs of the grasshoppers could be heard.  Fireflies and moths could be seen dancing in the twilight.

It was a little chilly.  I went to the pile chopped wood that was near Ethel's house, and to found a good cudgel I made into a small torch using the matches I had taken with me.

After saying goodbye to this house for the last time, I went straight into the thick woods without looking back.