I Don't Believe

I Don't Believe - Chp 12

“Security is when everything is settled, when nothing can happen to you; security is the denial of life.” ~ Germaine Greer

“I don’t know about you but I think the sugar’s stirred in.” A mildly amused voice asked behind me, snapping me out of my intense daze leaving me blinking as if I’d just awoken a slumber.

I felt like I had awoken a deep and dark slumber, my body felt haggard and sluggish. After getting home at around seven in the morning I had collapsed upon my bed not even bothering to crawl under the sheets and blankets. I had fallen into a deep slumber as I had missed an entire night’s sleep and that sleep I fought to catch up upon eagerly and greedily. I felt like a starved beast greedy for sleep and rest. But honestly, after having gone out all night and drinking not to mention having a terrified encounter that left me frazzled and anxiously sitting in the hospital ‘till the time I’m usually up ready for school the chances of awaking feeling as right as ray was high expectations. Extremely high expectations.

I had awoken though feeling like an elephant was sitting on my head squishing and flattening it to the point of no return. All around my eyes it was tense and taught, my temples throbbing with sharp fiery pains I vowed in that second alone to never drink ever again, to never drink and to never live in a hospital for an entire night. My body was just so tight and lethargic, I felt like a giant sloth dragging my feet behind me.

I had dragged myself into the shower and I felt like I’d stepped into heaven itself, the refreshing feeling just like the bliss of collapsing back on my bed moments later again. I had sunk back into my bed and it was like a heavenly cloud’s caress, and there I snuggled up and welcomed the bliss of drifting off into a heavy sleep.

That never came.

The whole time sitting there, curled up feeling so desperate for blissful sleep that could wash me away nothing came. Rather instead came the assail of all the dreadful things that occurred last night, my mind floated to Tyler and Blake last night, what Tyler had inflicted upon me and everyone else around me. My mind dwelled on it for hours in my bed, the house quiet and still on the lazy weekend day. All I could think there or rather question was what Blake had said, was I really hurting my family and friends more than I realized? But even so, how was I meant to stop Tyler for being so monstrous, what could I honestly do to get rid of him?

What terrified me the most there lying in a small ball with a killer hangover was mainly, had I really failed at masking my emotions? I worried at the thought, I truly felt as if I had masked all these dark emotions that I had buried down deep within me, they were buried down so far that I didn’t even feel them. But that was the thing, I struggled to feel anything. My body felt so numb and heavy, it felt like a struggle to even smile let alone fake one. It was like wearing jeans and winter clothes with a multitude of layers where you are drenched to the bone and soaked, your body is so heavy that it seems like lead is tied and strapped to every inch of your body – you can’t even take a step, you feel so pulled down, to the point you’d sink through the ground and into the fiery pits of hell.

I thought I was okay, I thought I was over it and moving on. There was nothing wrong with me, I had come to my senses and dumped him and was better off. I was okay, I mean after all wasn’t this normal? Wasn’t I feeling what everybody felt every hour of the day? The sinking feeling in my gut that had me thinking otherwise was what was terrifying.

“Huh?” I asked dumbly, sounding almost sloth like as I looked over my shoulder jerkily.

My mum gave me an amused glance by the kitchen island on the stool, she had the newspaper and magazines in hand as she lazily went through with a mug of coffee clutched close that she so eagerly thrived off to stay awake. That stuff was like a drug to my parents it seemed. She had an arched brow as her eyes glanced pointedly to my hand where I had been stirring the sugar into my cup of tea for god knows how long as I sailed off to a whole new world.