Constellations

Finding Grace

Cas woke up to the roof of the Impala. Dean was driving, as always. Someone else was in the passenger seat, a man with long brown hair. Cas started to hear them whispering. He sat still and listened quietly.

"Dean, are you sure? I don't think going to Metatron is the best idea."

"Listen Sam-"

Sam. Cas had heard that name before... Dean's younger brother Sam, this must be him. 

"Cas needs to go back to normal. Angels are starting to find out about him and he's in danger. A lot of them blame him for the fall. What Cas did, killing those angels, he wasn't in control, and he wasn't at full power; he's weak. We need to find Metatron and ask to restore Castiel's grace and memory because if we don't..." Dean stopped talking; he didn't want to think what could happen to Castiel. 

"Where do we even start? We don't know where Metatron is or if he's built himself an army."

"We'll do a spell to track him down, or we'll find angels and interrogate them, get out the information one way or another. We'll find a way, just like we always do."

"I've heard that name before," Cas said. 

Dean and Sam jumped in their seats. 

"Cas, are you okay?" asked Sam, then he remembered. His eyes looked sad as he said, "I'm Sam by the way, Dean's brother."

"We met before, then? When I was an angel?"

"Cas-" Dean started.

"Did we?" Cas asked to stop Dean from talking.

Sam looked to Dean then Cas. "Yes, we were friends. It's good to see you, Cas." Sam smiled.

Cas gave a small smile back and continued. "I've heard the name Metatron before."

"What?" asked Dean. 

"When I killed those-" Cas hesitated. "-angels, I absorbed their thoughts somehow. They were working for him, I know where he is." 

Sam looked at Dean.

----------------

"So you believe it?" Dean asked, the first words spoken since they had gotten to the motel. They had driven the rest of the way in silence. Sam went out to "run an errand," but it was really to give Dean and Cas some alone time. 

"Believe what?" Cas sighed.

"That you're an angel."

"Yes."

"That's it? Just yes?"

"What else do you want me to say Dean?"

"I want you to open up to me. This is scary. You just found out you're an angel and that your whole life that you've know has been a lie. Talk to me about it, cry, break down, I'm here for whatever you need." Dean took Castiel's hand, but Cas pulled it away and turned to the wall, so he didn't have to face Dean. 

"I can't do that Dean, not with you."

"What do you mean? Are you upset that I lied to you? I was trying to protect you!"

"I know that, I know."

"Then what's the problem? Why can't you talk to me?"

"Because you love the angel me more than me now. Our whole relationship is based on a lie.You never really cared about me, or loved me; all you were concerned about was protecting me so you could get your angel back." Cas spun around to face Dean. He was angry.

"Cas, that's not true. When I first dated you, I felt like I was cheating on... angel you? God, this is hard to explain," he sighed. "When I had my first date with you at Stanford, I did it because I was curious if you were the same angel that I loved. You weren't. You were different, but in all these beautifully wonderful new ways. I fell deeply in love with you and I still am in love with you, but not because I'm searching for who you were before. I love every inch of who you are now, angel or not."

"Why do you want me to be an angel again then?" Cas asked quietly.

"Because I can't lose you, Cas. You're in danger. If you don't get your powers back, other angels will find you. I won't lose you, Castiel, I can't lose you again." He looked down.

Cas looked at Dean, love and sympathy in his eyes.

"I love you Dean, but I need you to understand something. You're scared of losing me, but I'm terrified of losing you. I'm not going to be your angel like how I was before. I don't know a lot about who I was back then, but even with all my memories and grace restored, I do know that I'm not going to be the same as I was before. I'm not going to change who I am." 

"I don't want you to."

Cas opened his mouth to speak, but closed it.

"What?" Dean asked. 

Cas paced the room.

"Cas please talk to me," Dean begged.

"I'm just angry!" Cas said to Dean. 

"Tell me why."

"Because it's not fair! I love you and all I want is to grow old with you." Cas cried. "Is that too much to ask?!"

Dean looked down to hide the tears filling in his eyes.

"It's your turn to say something, Dean."

"Everything will be the same okay? We'll still be together, we'll still be okay; you'll just be angel."

"Please stop saying that like it's normal!"

"I'm sorry. This is too much I know. I would give anything not to have you do this."

There was a time many years ago when the roles were reversed and Castiel said this to Dean, but Cas didn't remember and Dean wouldn't let himself think about it for too long. The moment passed.

"I can't break down, Dean because if I cry I don't know if I'll stop." Cas whispered looking down at his shoes. 

"Okay, what do you need then?" Dean asked eager to lift any of Castiel's burdens. 

"You can kiss me."

Dean didn't need to be told twice. He took Castiel's face into his hands and kissed him passionately.

"There's nothing you can ever say or do that will make me stop loving you. If you remember anything, please remember that."