circles 𖧷 gilbert blythe

12. chapter „why do I love you?.."

It's December two months ago, I never knew you existed. Two months ago, I never knew you were coming my way. Two months ago, I never knew you would mean the world to me and now I'm hopelessly in love with every inch of you.. Gilbert Blythe

Why are these words so hard for me to say to Gilbert. I wrote the sentences down and immediately crumpled the paper again and threw it behind me. I let my head sink into my hands and sighed. I hate myself for all of this. Why did I fell in love with you Gilbert? You idiot.. I hate love.. no I don't hate love, I hate the way it makes everything so complicated and destroys everything inside of me. Why does it destroy me, but makes me feel so happy at the same time? And why goddamn do these little happy moments outweigh the bad ones for me, it makes no sense.. But who ever said that love makes sense? Love doesn't make sense. You love things for many different reasons. You love the sunrise because it illuminates everything in such beautiful colors. You love animals for their loyalty towards you. You love to travel because you see and discover so many new things and you love people.. for the things they do for you..

You love them for their smile and for their contagious laugh. You love their looks, their eyes and their dimples when they smile at you. You love so many different things.. for so many different reasons.

So who says love is uncomplicated or makes sense? Love is just there and somehow everybody likes the feeling.. of love in the air.

Today is the Christmas dance and I was absolutely unprepared. The week wasn't nice.. Gilbert had talked to Anne the whole time and when he was talking to me he told me all about his confession to Anne that should happen today.. at the Christmas dance. That's why I liked to spend my time with Timothée more. He is different from Gilbert. Gilbert tries to please everyone around him and takes care of everyone while Timothée cares only about me. He only has eyes for me and only spends time with me. He had really become one of my best friends and I was so grateful for spending time with him. I can talk to him about everything and he listens.. without judging or hating me for it. I'm really thankful to have him on my side and that's why I'm going to the Christmas dance.. with him. He had asked me a few days ago, if I wanted to go with him and of course I had said yes.

He was very happy about it and couldn't wait any longer for the Christmas dance. Anyway, the day is today, the Christmas dance and Gilbert's confession to Anne..

For me the day was already ruined and I had accepted it.. I guess Gilbert and I shouldn't happen.

Why should I keep sitting in my room, crying? I want to experience a lot more and get to know many different people. I don't want that to get lost because I'm hopelessly in love with someone, who doesn't even love me.. If he doesn't want me but Anne, it's his loss, not mine. I'm not gonna wait, I will find the right person for me. I got up from the chair and looked at the floor of my room, where were all the crumpled papers that I had written about Gilbert.. I started picking them up and throwing them away. Afterwards I went to the piano in my room, where I sat down and practiced some more notes. Today at the Christmas dance I was supposed to play something. I would play the piano and sing in front of everyone. What a cruel idea.., but somehow I also liked the idea of everyone hearing the song I wrote myself.

I was playing the piano for a while, when the door behind me suddenly got opened. I turned around and saw that it was Grandma. „Grandma?", I asked, when she smiled at me with a dress in her hands. „That's for you, darling.. you're going to look so beautiful, today at the Christmas dance", she said, coming up to me as I turned around to her on my stool. She gave me the dress and add: „Please put it on today and then I can do your hair afterwards" and I nodded in amazement. „I'll leave you alone for now", she said and left the room. My eyes wandered down to the dress in my hands. The dress was made out of satin and it was in a light pink color. It was breathtakingly beautiful and I was even allowed to wear it to the dance today, unbelievable. How long grandmother probably had to sew this dress and how expensive.. So I already owned her to wear it for the Christmas dance.

I putted on the dress and went over to the mirror, where I looked at myself. The dress was
short-sleeved and emphasized my waistline. It was knee-length and decorated. It looked pretty on me..

I circled a few times with my dress and began to smile. Oh how I was happy to dance with Timothée today and forget for just a little moment about all the complicated things with Gilbert. Suddenly the door opened and grandmother came in with a hairbrush in her hand. „I see, you like the dress, don't you? I'm glad Jules, really.. I was worried you might not like it, but.. you do. Can I do your hair now?", she asked me and I nodded. I sat down in front of my mirror with a chair while grandmother started combing my hair and then started braiding individual hair strains. At the end she stuck a silver clip in my hair. It looked a lot like my mothers hair clips. Mother used to wear these hair clips all the time and she looked beautiful with them. „Finished, you look beautiful Jules.. just like your mother back then..", she said, and I could see through the mirror that she was holding her tears back.

I smiled and said: „Thank you Grandma, that means a lot to me". Suddenly, Grandma leaned down to me and whispered: „Your mother would have loved this. She loved to dance and sing just like you do now. She is watching you from above, believe me darling. And she is so proud of you.. I'm sure about that. Make your mother proud today and dedicate your song to her..". Then she patted my shoulder and left the room. I sat on the chair frozen and didn't know what to do. Actually, grandmother didn't like to talk about mother because she always got sad at the thought of her. So her talking a minute ago.. came very unexpected. After a while I decided to go downstairs too because grandfather still wanted to drive me to Timothée. Because he wanted to bring Timothée and me to the Christmas dance while grandmother and Blayke take the other carriage. I was just coming downstairs, when grandfather came into the house.

He took of his hat and looked at me in surprise. „Jules.. you look just like your mother.. beautiful", he said and smiled. „Thank you, Grandpa", I replied and sat down on one chair to put on my shoes. „Where did you get that dress from?", he asked me and as I was about to answer someone else did it for me. „From me.. I sewed it for over a month. It took me a long time, but it turned out beautiful", Grandma said and smiled at me. „Unbelievable", Grandpa said, walking towards Grandma and giving her a kiss on the cheek. Then suddenly Blayke came downstairs and I was just waiting for a stupid comment about my appearance, when he suddenly said: „You look pretty Jules". I looked at him in surprise as he stood in front of me with his black suit. „Thank you.. Blayke you look pretty too", I replied confusedly and he walked past me.

Okay that came very, very unexpected. When I had putten on my shoes, Grandpa and I drove to Timothée. Timothée lives a little further away from us, but with the carriage we got there relatively quickly. Grandfather stopped the carriage in front of the house and walked, together with me to the front door, where I knocked.