circles 𖧷 gilbert blythe

17th chapter „an angry love confession"

„Dear Jules,
Have you ever heard the sound of someone's voice and felt your knees sink?
Felt strings of words pull south?
Tasted heaven on your tongue as they speak?
I have given up trying to make sense of it.
All I know is your voice plays the strings of my every weakness and I swear to God, if you were to ask me what love sounds like,
I would say just like you..
You are captivating- like one of those complicated pieces of art you stare at for hours trying to make sense of. You smiled, when you said to me that I would find the one for me and just like that I knew I would spend the rest of me life searching the world for the words to write something as beautiful as you are..
If I could give you one thing in life.. I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Because only then would you realize how special you are to me and was all of the time. I didn't noticed it the whole time, when I was distracted with Anne, but now I am clear in my head and can say it out loud..
I love you Jules, I really do and I hope you can believe me..
Even if it's quite hard to do that, when you thought all the time that I was in love with Anne. I was and maybe still I am, but I know for now that it was you.. you were the person I searched for in Anne and that became clear to me in the moment, when you came out at the Winter dance to give me new hope.
Your new hope made me realize I didn't love Anne the way I love you.. and it was so unrealizable that I spoke these selfish words without thinking.
I am truly sorry for that and I am sorry for confusing you that much, but I was confused too.
I didn't know how to express my feelings to you so I just said these things to you. I hope you can forgive me.. and maybe give our love a chance.
You said that you loved me the entire time
it was shocking to hear that and I was feelings really sad about it too since that made me realize again what an idiot I was to not notice it, but now I do..
So I am begging you to not give up on us. I love you.. I love you so much Jules. I just want to give someone my love without being rejected immediately.. please.

Think about it
I love you Jules

In love Gilbert Blythe"

I read Gilbert's letter while I was laying in bed. I have never received a love letter before and I was blushing at the thought that Gilbert wrote it himself. I feel the same way.. everything he wrote in the letter.. I feel the same way about him. I love him too. I was absolutely sure of that now and nothing could change my mind. Grandma, Grandpa and Blayke, I had of course told them before I went to my room that I was now with Gilbert. Grandmother literally jumped to the ceiling for joy and showered me with kisses. Then she began to bake a cake to celebrate the day. Grandfather had said a few nice words and then dedicated himself to the work again and Blayke had just replied to my statement with: „I knew you fell in love with him on the first day". So these were all good reactions, but Timothées testimony from earlier still stuck in my head.

I was really hurt by what he had said and I still
didn't know why he said that or why he ended the friendship between him and me.

Maybe he just didn't wanted to be friends with me anymore because I annoyed him with the whole Gilbert thing or something, but actually Timothée was not that kind of a human. He is supportive, charming, friendly and funny, not mean and rude. Whatever lead him to end the friendship with me I will find out. I want my best friend back and I won't just let him walk away and don't give me a real reason why he ended the friendship like that. I will find out why he did that and I will do it tomorrow in school.
————————————————————————-
The next day it knocked on the door, when I was just finished with my breakfast.

„I'm going!", I said to Grandma and ran to the door. I opened it and Gilbert came in. „Good morning, my love", he said, hugging me. „Good morning", I replied smiling and ran a little red. „Oh it's so good to see you this early. I heard you are with my granddaughter now? I didn't expect that, but I'm happy about it", grandmother said to Gilbert, who smiled at her and put his arm around me. „Yes it was very unexpected for me too, but your granddaughter is really amazing. I love her", he replied and grandmother smiled and patted him on the shoulder before she went back to the kitchen to get mine and Blaykes bag. I cuddled up to Gilbert, when Blayke ran downstairs and stopped in front of us. I looked at him annoyed as he turned to Gilbert. „Great to see you Gilbert. Have fun with the troublemaker by your side", he said, running into the kitchen , while Gilbert smiled and I just shook my head.

„Well, you're my little troublemaker now, I guess", he said, looking down at me as I replied angrily: „dare to call me that again". Then I kissed him on the cheek and went to get my bag from the kitchen myself. When Blayke was finally dressed and had also picked up his bag, the three of us went to school. On the way to school we met Blaykes girlfriend Ruby, who then accompanied us to school. When we arrived at school and I was putting Gilbert and my milk bottles into the lake, I saw Timothée just arrived at school. I got up and stood next to Gilbert, who pulled me to himself once he saw Timothée too. Timothée didn't even look at me as he passed us and immediately went into the school building. Gilbert, Blayke, Ruby and I stayed outside for a while and talked until the school bell rang.

During class, Gilbert held my hand under our table. I really like that he shows me his love with these little cute gestures. Timothée, who sits behind me, never once tried to start a conversation with me. How am I supposed to get him on my own to finally talk to me? I tried it in both breaks and it didn't work in both. So when the bell rang at the end of the last subject, I followed Timothée outside and left Gilbert and the others behind me.

„Timothée! What did I do, why are you ignoring me since yesterday?!", I shouted at him while he was walking away from me again. „You just can't walk away without saying a real reason why we can't be friends anymore.. please Timmy!", I said as he suddenly turned around and came so close to me that I could hardly breath. „I love you! Damn it I love you and you just can't see it! That's the reason why I have to end the friendship because I don't want to lose you, but I know I will when I stay with you..", he said, looking sadly into my face, looking for an answer from me, while I looked shocked at him. „I know you don't feel the same about me, but you
don't know how hard this is to accept! You deserve to be loved and chosen, not almost loved and almost chosen, why can't you understand that?! I know that he doesn't love you like I do", he shouted at me and pointed at Gilbert, who was standing a few steps away with the other students.

„If there was anyone I would damn my soul for it would be you.. because I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. The sunrise sets with your smile..", he says and suddenly turned around to Gilbert. „At least for me it does..", he add. Then he looked at me again and grabbed my hands and came very close to my face. I thought that he was going to kiss me, but he didn't. Instead he whispered into my ear: „You know you really love someone, when you don't hate them for breaking your heart and I wish, I really wish I could hate you, so it would be easier to let go of you, but I can't... so I have to distance myself from you". I looked at him surprised from what he just said. He looked at me and smiled slightly at me. „I love you.. Jules", he said and then turned around and left..

My head was exploding.. what did just happen? He loves me.. Timothée loves me, but do I love him? No I don't, I love Gilbert, but what he had just said about me.. I liked it and I don't know what to think about it. His words were beautiful and heart breaking at the same time. And somehow I could understand what he meant with his words. Do I maybe love both? Timothée and Gilbert? No that can't be possible, right? You can only love one person, but.. Gilbert he loved Anne and me at the same time too, just differently. And maybe that's the way I feel about Gilbert and Timothée too, maybe I really love both.., if that is true I have a real big problem.