Within An Impasse

Is This Really Happening?

"This might sound incredibly weird or rude to ask, but after spending the day with you I have to ask. How are you single? And why do you sit at that bar every weekend by yourself in the darkest corner of bar where no one can see you?"

Me and Ryan had been having the most amazing date I had ever had. We were in the park walking along the path when he asked me the single most scary questions anyone could ever ask me. How the fuck was I suppose to tell him, it's because I am discarded goods that no one in their right mind would want. How am I suppose to say I am single because no one thinks I'm pretty enough, smart enough or just good enough to be with them. That the last person that I was with scammed me. Left me abandoned and never to see him ever again. That that was years ago and I haven't had anyone look at me twice since. 

That I throw myself into my work to be able to get through most of the week only to be empty, lonely and severely horny on the weekends. To the moments where I pick up my vibrator trying to buzz out a orgasm when I go up and up and up... and it never reaches peak to go over the other side for the roller coaster to go WHOOSH down the mountain.  How am I suppose to tell him that I cry myself to sleep at night every night and wake up to do this all over again? You can't say that to a stranger. You certainly can't say that to a stranger that you just met and are on a first date. I may be out of practice, and haven't been on a date in years, but I do know that unwritten rule very well since being in my profession; dealing with countless heartbroken clients.  So to answer this ghastly inappropriate and scary question I say

"Well I like being alone. I like my solitude. It's peaceful in that little corner. While the whole bar bustles around me, I sit in peace in the back of the building. It's like going through a car wash."

At that he laughed. 

"What? It is!" I was starting to get annoyed. 

"How is that the same thing or even remotely similar?"

"If you ever go to a car wash to wash your car, you know everything outside of the car is buzzing, whirring, and swishing around right?"

"Yea..so?"

"But inside the car depending on if you have your music on or not, it can be the most quiet you can have. I like having that peace in the chaos of it all."

"Oh I get it, like the eye of the storm?"

"Right! The most peaceful you could be is in the eye of the storm." He smiled...like he bought my bullshit...but he was a very smart one...unfortunately.

"That't beautiful really...and you are so full of shit."  

I scoffed. "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?"

"Be honest with me, you have so far."

"I...I don't know what you're talking about."

"If it's so peaceful for you, why are you reading books like Touch? Why are you obsessed with erotica when you could be having some erotic moments...right now?"

He looked at me with this intense hooded gaze that I couldn't turn away from. 

"Come on Tyler, Tell me the truth."

"I...It...It's our first date this is not a.. um..."

"So...I always value honestly above all... why baby? Why are you hiding yourself like this?"

"Because...I...Because I"

He touches my chin to make me look  deep into his eyes. 

"Because what?" he says gently in an intoxicating deep velvet voice.