Within An Impasse

How Did I Get Here?

There she was, beautiful even after all these years and yet she still remained beautiful; a beautiful storm. She looked almost the same as the last time that I saw her, only this time she wasn't trying to smack me with the chair. The last time I visited her she kept screaming that I raped her and I had done no such thing. I kept calling her by her name, and she kept saying her name was Frankie. I had vowed to myself that that would be the last time that I would see her. I told myself that I deserved to move on, and not be so tormented by this anymore.  I moved on an got remarried. I was happy...yet here I am looking at the woman that broke me all those years ago. 

"Ryan...how...how did I get here? What happened? Why can't I remember giving birth to our daughter.. why don't I remember being here for 6 years of my own life?"

"I...I don't know...seems like your mind may have shoved it all away."

"A woman would never forget giving birth. Or the 5 years of life we had with our daughter."

"Some of that comes with painful memories. What is the last thing you remember?"

"With you...We had had our first date... and then I had a session with Alana. She was my patient and she was the same age as me, and certainly not my daughter."

"Look I don't know how any of this works, but I know your mind is very powerful enough to make you believe things that are completely not real or haven't ever happened."

"Is that why you stopped visiting me?" She asked it as if she was afraid to ask.

"I'm sorry. After what happened the last time I-"

"What happened the last time that you saw me?" She must really be lucid as Barbara was saying.

"Well you tried to throw a chair at me and screamed that I had raped you. You told me that you were going to kill me. You kept telling me that your name was Frankie and not Sarah."

"Francesca? oh... wow..."

"That was 3 years ago, and I decided to just not come back."

She was quiet for a minute then she looked up at me and asked

"So you're married now. Do you...do you have any more kids?"

"No, but we may want to have them in the future."

"Do you...do you have friends named Terence and Gus?"

"Shit...I haven't talked to either one of them since college.  I heard they got married which was maybe 5 years ago when I saw it on Facebook...Why?"

"I guess...I guess I thought I knew them when I was in a...different state of mind."

"Well you did...you did at least meet them a few times when we started dating." Her head snapped up.

"Where did you and I first meet?"

"At a bar."

"Charlie's?"

"No, bar called Riley's"

"I think...I think my mind is mixing memories and made up parts. I am so confused."

"Hey..." I took her hand in mine. "This is the best I've seen you since you got here in 6 years. Something must be working."

"That's just it I don't know. I don't know how I got here and how I am so aware now. The last moment I remember before I got 'here' was I was at a session with Alana and she and I realized we recognized each other in a dream. She asked me to run my hands through her scalp as she laid on my lap which was inappropriate given to what I thought was our patient/ therapist relationship. The last thing she said to me was 'how the fuck did we have the same dream' then everything went black and now I'm here."

"Wow...so you saw what she would look like as an adult...you must have saw a lot of her in you. She looked just like you."

"Ryan...what happened that day?"

"Okay this is the part where I leave."

"Oh come on, I know it is obviously not something you want to bring up, I mean it seems that it's the reason I am here."

"I don't wanna relive that day Sarah, not even with you because..." I didn't wanna ever relive that day, I had moved on, and now I'm back here and it's clear I shouldn't have came here.

"Okay...I'll let you go I just have one more question. Do you regret marrying me? Cause I know no one would sign up for this shit, and for that I'm sorry."

"No. I could never. Sarah I loved you with all my heart..."

"But..." she looked utterly shattered and I really regret this visit now.

"I don't wanna live in constant fear of the next time you'll change into a new person or give yourself a new identity. I just want a normal life."

"I understand....do you blame me?"

Fuck I am not prepared for this shit at all. I suck in a big breath then blow it out, face her with my eyes looking straight at her and said

"Yes. I do. did. You started refusing your medicine and on a day where you needed to be as lucid as you are now, you weren't and our daughter goes running after a stray puppy right into the street, how the fuck could you be so fucking careless!"

The boom in my voice was so loud the staff heard from the other side.

"Visiting ours are over for you, you need to leave."staff member in white clothing stood tall over me and I just nodded and started to leave out, but not before hearing

"I loved you too, saying that I am sorry won't help, but I really do hope you are happy with your new wife."

I walked out without looking back. This was a mistake and so was she.

Sarah's POV:

So I am the reason our daughter is dead. I was the one who tried to kill him while being Francesca. All of it was just too much. And to think it happened because I didn't take a medication? Maybe it was better this way, what kind of life could I live outside of these walls knowing that that is what I had done. Who could ever love me after I had caused that to happen? How could I ever love myself enough to do good in the world. So this is where I am, and mental hospital, and so this is where I will remain.  Alana I am so sorry for what mommy allowed to happen. The tears came pouring out of me as I sobbed into my own hands.

"So I heard it didn't go so well..." I look up to see Barbara standing in the door way.

"Yea..I'm ready to go back to my room now or whatever it is that I do here."

She pointed to the wheel chair and I got in. 

"You know you did say that you wanted to be a therapist."

"I said I was one...or at least I truly believed I was one with a completely different name and identity.  Well I scheduled you an appointment with me in the morning. I want to see if you are lucid in the morning after all of this."

"Well after finding out the truth of everything I don't think I want to be lucid anymore. I know I'll never see Ryan again knowing I ruined everything between us and that I killed our daughter."

"You didn't- no you know what, this is therapy material so hold that for our session, but you didn't kill your daughter, it was a horrible accident that no one can blame you for."

"Ryan does."

"He's still grieving, and now that you are aware, maybe it's time you did too."

She wheeled me to my room and came back and gave me some warm tea to help me sleep. I wish there was something I could do to bring Alana back. Time and awareness are too cruel for me at this moment, it's time to head back.