Within An Impasse

How Long Can You Fake It?

After I got home from my last session, I did what I always did. Took a long hot bath and just soak away the day. This is usually when I get exhausted with dealing with everyone's trauma and my own. All day I fake my way through love yourself this, and own your accountability that. When in fact I'm probably the worlds biggest phony. I had set out to be a marriage counselor, but then my family kept telling me why the fuck would I do that when no one would ever marry me. I had been single and celibate for 6 miserable years. I have closet full of sex toys, but I never have orgasms. I haven't been on a date in almost the same amount of time. I know I may not be the ugliest woman alive, but I know I wasn't the prettiest either. If it wasn't for my job to keep me and my bills going, I would have killed myself a long time ago.

Other than working 5 days out of the week and having Saturday and Sunday to sulk away, I don't have much of a life at all. All my clients had friends, I can't remember the last time I  had one...I think maybe beginning of freshman year of college? I have a few people I talk to who may be considered "friends" but only on the internet. We don't ever actually get to see each other because well, we live in different states, and one in an entirely different country. Saturday night I go to a local bar, sit there for hours crying in my favorite corner booth.

I tend to repeat over and over again, "This is my life...This is my fucking life...I can't believe that THIS is my fucking life." I often think about killing myself actually, but then I remember I got away from my family. I got away from that dreadful house. I am able to at least masturbate alone in peace without worrying if someone could possibly hear me. Even though I still never get to an orgasm. I lost over 130lbs in one and half years. That's gotta count for something right? I finally can wear better clothes, but still I choose to wear the same, cause you can fix weight, you can't fix ugly. Yet here I sit again...alone...at Charlie's...for I don't know? Maybe the 100th time.  

James, one of the manager's at the bar knows my drink of choice: Jack Daniels neat. Then I drink the Pair of Jacks, followed by at least 3 Amaretto Sours with plenty of cherries. He always knows when I come, and always says

"Right on time Jackie, how's it going?" Ever since he's been taking my drink order he's decided to call me Jackie since I say that I've been married to Jack Daniels since college. 

I always hold up the glass and say "This good." Except this time says

"Come on, come sit at the bar this time. Your usual table will be there next time." I always sit in this corner because it's away from everyone. I don't want to talk to anyone, and I don't want anyone talking to me. I have accepted that I am going to be alone forever, and I don't need a reminder of what it would be like to actually get close to people. Even the internet friends I have are as close as they can be, and some how I find comfort in that. I don't have to worry about someone else coming into my life and damaging me more than I already have been.  Which means coming up to sit at the actual bar where other patron's sit and talk to each other or turn to the sides and start talking to strangers, flirting or just having conversation frightens me to my very core.

"Uhh not thanks James I'll be fine over here."

"Tyler...I serve you at this table every Saturday at 9pm sharp without fail...and I will continue to serve you at this very table whenever you come back, but tonight is a good night. It's trivia night. Humor me, come sit at the bar. I have the perfect seat right on the edge for you." 

"In case I want to escape?"

"Exactly, what do  you say?" He held his hand out for me like a gentleman he was. I had been going to this bar for the last 3 years so I have gotten to know James and met Charlie on a couple occasions like New Years and Christmas Eve. The bar was the nicest and most affordable in town. James was always nice to me. On occasions he's told me that some patron's have asked about me as to why I always sit at the corner table away from everyone. When he asked, I just said