Human

chapter four

"My ex messaged me today."

Words George never thought he would say again to Dr. Sandra. His ex was a soft spot, something he didnt enjoy discussing.

"Reagan?"

He nodded, fumbling with his sleeve. "He uh, told me to stop telling people what he did."

Dr. Sandra corrected her posture. Her eyes peered over her glasses, "Do we need to go over old exercises?"

"No," George mumbled, shaking his head.

Of course, she ignored his words. "You wont let go of the stuff from your past. If you dont let go of that rope and you keep pulling it with you, youll get rope burn."

For the first time today, he met eyes with her.

In many ways, he hated her. Dr. Sandra knew all of his deep secrets. He felt like she looked at him with pity, though he knew deep down she didnt.

But, he did love her. He loved that she told him the cold hard truth always, and that she took time to build an actual relationship with George. He loved how motherly she acted over him.

A lump formed in his throat.

George wiped his nose with his sleeve carelessly so. He glanced away to the horribly painted walls. "What if i cant let go?"

"Then cut it."

He let out a sad laugh, "Im so used to people seeing through me."

Dr. Sandra wrote something down, the sound of the pen scratching screeched through Georges ears. He pretended not to want to throw it the fuck away.

She glanced up at him, "And what happens when you finally meet someone who will look at you one day and smile, and say hello?"

"Ill probably cry."

For the first time in forever, she set the clipboard down, and George felt seen.

"You deserve to be looked at for who you are."

He shook his head dismissively. "It doesnt feel like that."

Dr. Sandra frowned. "Why would you ever think that?"

"I was born in the wrong body, for starters. Dont get me wrong, its a hot body, but it doesnt belong to me. So i cant help but hate it. And that breaks my heart."

She shook her head, leaning forward. "We dont choose what we get to look like."

"I know, believe me." George sighed. She wouldnt get it. She doesnt want to claw away her chest every time she remembers she has tits. "I want people to look at me, and see me for who i really am."

Dr. Sandra frowned deeply. "Do you think no one does?"

He shrugged, leaning back in his seat. "Not really, no. Sometimes i think Sapnap even sees me as a girl."

"The best friend?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

George thought for a moment, chewing on the inside of his lip. "I dont know. Hes never misgendered me, or done anything borderline transphobic. Its just anxiety."

"Have you been taking your medicine?" Dr. Sandra questioned.

"Yeah, it helps when i need it to help. But i dont want to rely on it."

"You have troubles relying on anything." She hummed, giving him a smile, "Want a goal for this week?"

"What?" George frowned, not really liking where this was heading.