It Starts With a Question

Those Who Endure

"Endurance-Suppression of the pain. The pain is severe at threshold. After the threshold, capacity is built to sustain the pain. The pain is lessened when the strength of might is achieved. Mankind can endure all things."

― Lailah Gifty Akita

It felt like he had been going through a long tunnel, one that seemed to be endless, covered in complete darkness. No matter what he tried, it kept returning and returning. His screaming, the pain, the burning, the numbers... Was he at 783 or 776?

As the effect of the RC suppressant began to wear off, Kaneki felt his hands twitch. It still hurt a lot, at least not as much as when the drug was, in effect, but it was still hard to tolerate. He was beyond exhaustion, but he knew that rest wouldn't come. It was impossible, not now, not when there was no light in sight, with the endless and meaningless torture.

"It's feeding time!" Yamori exclaimed maniacally, while he took a piece of meat and shove it into Kaneki's mouth. He couldn't eat at his own tempo, all the meat in his mouth wouldn't let him, so he had to swallow big chunks in one."Now, I have to take care of a few things, be a nice subordinate and wait until I come back." He grinned, before disappearing through the only door available in the building.

Despite the few moments of extra peace he had gotten, the half-ghoul felt nowhere near relaxed nor relieved, because he knew, the moment Yamori returned, it would start all over again. He felt his toes and fingers twitch in response, it felt strange, after all the cutting and growing back. As if he wasn't in his own body anymore.

He stared at his feet, noticing how the flesh recovered and his nails re-grew at rapid speed. The raven-haired boy noticed his toenails becoming slightly darker, but in the end he didn't care. What's the point of worrying, it's not like it would change the situation.

"A monster..." He mumbled. Eyes blank and hopeless.

He really was a monster... One that was hard to kill, one that couldn't be killed like that. Is this how hell would feel like? He wondered. Stuck in a place with no hope, no salvation... only endless torture and despair. He felt like crying, he felt like screaming he wanted to get out.

"... Someone..."

There was no one who could hear him, no one who would help him. He was alone, alone and helpless.

At least... those he cared about weren't able to see him, they are safe; away from the pain and despair. He wondered how his friends were doing. Hide was probably worried sick and the ghouls from Anteiku... What would they be doing? Probably as worried as his human friend. Would they try to rescue him? But, how? Since they probably don't know where he is.

He wondered if Hinami was alright. Would she be able to continue practising her Kanji without him? He hoped she wouldn't be too sad... She had lost already so much and the thought of her crying again hurt him much more than the pain he went through the last couple of days.

Hide... How would he survive classes without him? He remembered the words, his friend yelled during the time he got released from the hospital. 'Rabbits will die from loneliness!' A small smile and bitter chuckle escaped his lips. Hopefully, that won't happen for real to Hide, especially the idea of his best friend turning into a rabbit sounded absurd, but he you could say the same about a human turning into a ghoul and look how he ended up.

His smile faltered immediately. Rabbits... Touka probably wouldn't mind... "Touka-chan..." What was she up to? Did she recover already? Was she worried? Sad? Alone? He remembered, before he lost consciousness and was taken away... She tried to save him, she threw herself at Yamori, but Ayato; her little brother, came between them and send her unconscious in one hit against the wall. Kaneki wondered why he did that...

At least she's safe. Probably not happy, but safe...

His mind wandered to a few weeks back, when their study session had begun. He was surprised by his bold action, but even more when Touka didn't push him away or didn't try to kill him later on.

He knew the girl saw him as an important friend, someone she wouldn't want to lose and they had grown closer within the short period, so close that he had fallen completely for her. That sharp tongued attitude and scary demander, looked now cute and adorable to him. Yes, he definitely loved her, with all his being... The question was; were his feelings mutual? At that moment he was almost sure... But wasn't he losing it? Maybe it was just something his unconscious had created to ease his current state of mind.

'Good night, dumbass.'

A smile crept on his face; a sour one. Her soft voice couldn't leave his mind.

No, he was sure, it wasn't his mind playing a trick on him. Her soft concerning tone, the warmth of her lips on his forehead. Clearly, there were signs.

"Touka-chan."

Despite how close they had grown... It wouldn't develop into anything... It's impossible, he would never see her again. Never again. It was painful now, thinking about that. But maybe in time she would fade away from his memory piece by piece. What's the point of having memories? When you'll be stuck, tied up on a chair for the rest of your life, used as a toy for torture.

Kaneki grimaced darkly. The irony...

Despite the days he spent, training with her, it had all been in vain, he wasn't strong enough and thanks to that, the escape plan with Banjou and the others had failed...

It was the best. Even if he would be stuck in hell's despair forever, at least Banjou and the others would be safe, away from the cruel world, hopefully in the 20th ward and given shelter by Anteiku. It was the safest place for them. Yes, he didn't mind it. He preferred it that way, instead of others suffering... He would in their place, he could endure it...

... For now...

The door opened again, footsteps approached the chained half-ghoul. He knew what would be coming next, all too well, he didn't need to look up to know who had entered. Kaneki kept staring at the ground empty and voided from any emotion, he braced himself.

"I hope you had a nice nap." Yamori chuckled, because it's time to have more fun!"

Kaneki didn't move, not even after the ghoul cracked his finger, not even when he got pulled by his hair, not even when his face was tilted to face the crazy ghoul, who had the expression as if he had the time of his life. He just stared lifelessly as the needle was pointing to his eye again.

'I'm sorry, Touka-chan... I couldn't protect anyone...'

The sounds of maniacal laughter, agonizing screams and counting continued.

1000, 993, 986, 979, 972, 965...

Those who endure... Will they become stronger... Or will they crumble apart little by little?
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After-note about the chapter: The moment I started working on the previous one-shot, I knew that I wanted to write one with Kaneki's point of view. So I could have it as a parallel. I wasn't very hard to come up with it, I just had to think about the chapter where he got tortured to no end and wonder, what else would be going through your mind when you're in that state? Lost? Despair? Sadness? I used those elements in this one-shot. Poor Kaneki. The story was actually shorter, but I wanted to add another quote as another sign, that this one is one half of of two one-shots. The name of this one-shot; Those who endure was created by that same thought. Since it's part of a half it has to be similar, yet different, like Touka and Kaneki. Enduring and waiting are two different words, but in a way they are similar. When you endure something you mostly wait and when you wait, you tend to endure, be it impatience or something else. Also listening to Kisetsu wa tsugitsugi shindeiku (The ending theme of Tokyo Ghoul √A) helped me a lot. Actually, that song has given me so much inspiration for other chapters! It makes me wanna cry!