Puffychu Oneshots!

Nate, not Niki - Angst

TW for: self hate, past transphobia, censored t-slur (I can reclaim it, but didn't feel comfortable), mentions of throwing up

Nate stopped for a second as he passed the mirror, shuttering at his reflection. Why did he always have to look so fricking girly. Why did his chest have to be so big, his hips so wide. He knew, in the grands scheme of things, he didn't look any different from any other girl in that regard, but in his dysphoric state of mind, everything little thing was horrible. His face was so soft, with large eyes and a small nose a lot of girls were jealous of- he knew, they'd told him. It was lacking the sharp angles and points he wanted though. Like he said, a lot of girls were jealous of it, and Nate was not a girl.

He knew, that if he came out to people, then he could get things like hormones and a binder, maybe even surgery after a while. He probably would never be out though. He wasn't risking another negative reaction, like his parents had had. So here he was, suppressing who he was, living as someone he wasn't. Living a double life, as Niki, the lesbian girl who was dating Cara 'Puffy' in person, and then as Nate, a straight pre-everything trans guy online. 

He was sure those people would never become one, was sure he never would be able to be Nate with anyone in real life, his parents reaction had made sure that would never happen. He still remembered the harsh words of his father 'NO YOU ARE NOT. MY DAUGHTER IS NOT A F****** T***Y!" and the tears of his mother 'Was it something I did? Did I fail you as a parent? Oh, my sweet beautiful girl I'm so sorry". Nope. He wasn't losing somebody like that again. After he moved away to the city at 18, he completely cut off contact with his parents, and since he had told nobody else since, he should be safe from it.

"Niki? You coming? We're gonna' be late for Wilbur's graduation party!" The voice of his girlfriend brought him out of his dysphoric daydreams, and back into the present. 

He took one last glance at the mirror, and shivered, turning away to through on a dress, shouting a quick "One Minute!" to his girlfriend. He walked back past the mirror, not daring to look back at it while this femmed up. He had made that mistake once, while wearing a full face of makeup, and barely avoided throwing up. He had not made that mistake again, and instead decided to wear as plain makeup as possible, directing his eyes anywhere but his face when applying it.

He shut the door behind him, and lifted his skirts as he speed walked down the stairs linking arms with his girlfriend as they walked to the car, and he went on with his evening, partying with friends, forcing smiles when he was complimented on his dress, and how pretty he looked. Pretending you were happy got a lot easier with time, and after all these years Nate was basically an expert.

Maybe one day he wouldn't hide anymore. Maybe one day he'd smile for real. Maybe one day. But not anytime soon.

Word count: 526

Sorry its been over a month since an update, I was not doing great and kinda forgot this existed. Plus there was another gender crisis topped with a whole ton of dysphoria :)
If you couldn't tell, this update was mainly projection lol. I do have another update written after this though, so I'll post that next week, and try to write something else in that time to keep up at least a semi-consistent update schedule.

Anyways, see you next Monday most likely!