Yellowed

Chapter 5; Deja Vu

The deep blue sky overhead was dotted with stars like a giant hand had thrown billions of diamonds above the hovering dark clouds. Those billions of cosmic rocks are very bright, you can even blink, and you'd still be blinded. And the moon; it is dazzling, even though it is just borrowing its radiance from the sun, it too is glowing like a fireball but with a softer shine. It illuminates the towering trees beside the more towering buildings that I can see from here. The darkness of the night hides the melancholy I am feeling right now. But it cannot hinder me from hugging it.

It is my first time going here on the rooftop of the dorm. Even though it is miles away, the feeling of being able to see the view makes me feel the same as someone could be holding my hand right now. But I can't go too near the edge. I'm currently alone. It's understandable, though; who wanted to hang out on a rooftop at midnight anyways? I am afraid that I might have those episodes again where I suddenly want to jump because, this time, no one would be stopping me.

I take a few steps forward to see the edge closer. It is exhilarating. I can feel the wind pick up my hair, making them fly wildly. I shivered from the cold, but this feeling was pleasant anyways. And I feel a sense of freedom just from this breeze coming from the endless abyss. I look to the night light of the moon, occasionally hiding behind the clouds. To see if it can provide me with some light, just to find out I am completely surrounded by darkness.

The feeling seems somewhat familiar. Somehow I feel as if I have experienced this before.

"What are you doing here at this hour?" A man behind me suddenly spoke, making me nearly jump, and I turned around, full of surprise.

"Mr. Gray?" I asked, bewildered.

He laughed at me. "Are you just peeking at the view only to imagine what is out there that you cannot see in the distance?"

"What?" I asked again.

"I was watching you for a while but I'm not sure if it's you, so I have to make sure first."

I turned to face him, half smiling. "I don't know you also live here," I said.

"A lot of students and university staff dorms here," he replied.

"Yeah, I see. It's just I'm not expecting to see you here sir, especially at this hour."

He laughed again, trying to say something but the wind seemed to have cut off whatever he wanted to say.

"Why are you here sir?" I asked.

He walked towards the edge and looked at me.

"I don't know, I suddenly have this urge to go here," he said.

"It's getting colder lately," I said, tucking my hands in my pocket.

"Yeah," Mr. Gray said, gesturing for me to go near the edge. "You still don't answer my question. Why are you here?"

"This is actually my first time coming here," I said. "This place is peaceful," I said, making him look at me with no response.

"It has this very calming atmosphere," he continued.

"I came here because I can't sleep," I said.

"Why?" he asked.

"You're a psychologist right?"

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"Is it weird to have very vivid dreams?"

He looked at me and paused for a second. "There are so many things one could dream of, it is normal. Sometimes I would even dream of jumping off the building, it's the subconscious, yes I think it's weird but it's not wrong."