Unlovable

Part I: My Ex-Boyfriend from Hell

PROLOGUE

June, a memory from high-school.

"They look like the little eggheads," he said and I burst out in laughter, "you know, the ones that are everywhere around Davis."

I lay my head on his chest, staring at the screen with a giant, stupid smile stretching across my lips. "You look like an egghead." I giggled as he tilted his head to look at me.

"Ouch, I'm hurt," he said, a wide smile mirrored mine on his perfect pink lips.

"Good, that means it worked." I giggled, his hazel eyes impaled me as we lay on his couch, our movie running in the background with neither of us paying it any attention.

"Looks like I'll need to get my revenge." He leaned forward, lips a couple centimeters from mine. I could smell the mandarins on his breath, I wondered if he could smell it on mine too. We'd pretty much eaten the entire bag while we watched this movie.

"What did you have in mind?" I whispered, heart racing and butterflies churning in my stomach. I was in love, so fully and completely in love with this man that I couldn't contain my smile or the way my eyes lit up when he was around me. We'd been together for an entire year, yet only recently started crossing the touch boundary. He was my first kiss, my first date, and the first person I'd ever romantically loved.

"I have a lot of things in mind," he raised a brow ominously and I felt my stomach churn. His electric gaze made me feel like we were the only two alive and I couldn't get him out of my head.

I closed the distance between us, lips barely touching but not moving. I opened my eyes to catch him looking directly at me.

"You're so beautiful," he said, kissing my cheek instead. My heart melted like chocolate on a warm day. I was a puddle of emotion as his lips lightly brushed my forehead and my other cheek.

I was speechless and frozen and hot at the same time, "I love you." I heard myself say, eyes widening as I realized that this was the first time I'd ever told him how I truly felt. We had taken things super slowly, I was in love with his mind and the person he was.

He'd pick me up from work every day, take me out on dates thrice a week, plan romantic getaways, buy me cute gifts, and of course I reciprocated, but he was my best friend over all.

I was in love with his mind, the way he was so beyond clever and mature; I could have so much fun just talking to him. He was hilarious and kind and generous, he rarely complained unless it was serious and genuinely cared about everything I told him. He had the biggest heart and kindest soul and I was beyond grateful. He never once told me not to hang out with my friends, he was so secure in our relationship that jealousy only played a role when another man blatantly flirted with me. That was all, he was understanding and supportive and kind. I was in love. He was too good to be true.

And yet, in that moment, I felt uncertain. His golden brown eyes glossed over me and it was as though time had stopped.

Absolute silence clouded the air and my mind became a jumble of anxious questions. Was it too soon for me to tell him? We'd been together for a year! Is a year too soon? He was still staring at me with lips slightly parted and I didn't know what to do.

I sighed, my heart hammered in my chest as I fumbled in my seat, "I, I'm sorry, I have to go." I said, half expecting him to stop me and tell me he loved me back. I felt like I'd ruined our moment, tears streaked down my cheeks as I grabbed my car keys and rushed toward the door. He was still frozen in his spot on the couch, but now his fingers were touching his lips and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to apologize and ask if I could take it back, but I didn't want to take it back. I love him, I'm in love with him.

And that was that. He didn't text me that night or ever again. That is, until IT happened. And I could never take that back.