Unlovable

9: Mornings and Difficult Confrontations

"June," he whispered as I stirred. The sun wasn't up yet as my eyes fluttered open and shut, barely making out the outline of his body.

"Hmm?" I groaned as I felt him climb over me and land on the floor, like a stealthy tiger.

"I have to get to practice this morning. Do you want to grab dinner tonight?" He whispered before looking around and realizing my roommates weren't here.

"Yeah," I muttered as I smiled into my pillow, turning to my other side so I could face him. I didn't want him to feel like he had to be my friend because I relied on him. That was no way to maintain a friendship and I felt bad about my stupid outburst last night.

If only he hadn't been there when he was. I would've just left and gotten lost somewhere, maybe gotten my virginity taken for the fifth time or something. I wished I loved myself more so I could be less insecure, but I knew that would take time. Insecurities tended to destroy friendships.

The world was hazy as I heard the door click shut and I shut my eyes. It was Saturday and probably five in the morning. I felt bad for making him feel guilty. I didn't want him to feel like any of my inability to cope with emotions was his fault.

He hadn't done anything wrong, quite literally the opposite actually. I didn't want anybody's pity. I didn't want people to see me as fragile glass that could break and spill its contents anytime. I hated that I showed him that part of myself. I didn't want him to stick around because of my clingy-worried self.

I realized I was still in the slutty dress I had on last night, the coat serving as a blanket and the mess of clothes and makeup all over the floor and my desk was very unattractive.

My eyes widened when I remembered what happened last night.

Abel had kissed me.

Willingly, he wanted to make me feel good in any way that he knew how; to show me he cared just as much as I did. I wondered if that was of his free choice or if I had made him feel guilty to the point where he thought that it would make me shut up.

And he cried for me.

He was hurting because of me. He never even cried the night of his breakup. I can't believe I did that to him.

I felt so selfish.

This entire time, I had been so self-centered. Not once did I ask him if he was okay after his breakup. He claimed to have loved Claire, so why did he reject her when she tried to get back together. I never once asked how he knew how to deal with me last night. I never asked how his car was doing now or anything about his family. I never seemed to ask if he was okay through all of this. I enjoyed the friendship and comfort he provided and yet I gave nothing back.

All I've ever done was take from him.

When... he was just here yesterday so we could walk to the theater together... because his car broke down. I felt so stupid. I sighed loudly, sitting up in my bed and noticing the mess around me. I reached for my phone, checking that it indeed was only five in the morning.

He was incredible. I couldn't help but wonder whatever had I done to deserve this friendship. But considering the way his kiss made me feel, perhaps all I wanted wasn't simply just friendship from him.

He gave me wild butterflies to the point where my stomach was churning and my body was leaning into him, craving his touch with every bit of my being. That wasn't the feeling I got when I kissed my friends, quite literally the opposite actually.

I decided that I didn't want to deal with anything today or overthink this more than I already had. I just wanted to be alone to drown in my own thoughts and feelings. I was done feeling sorry for myself, for now at least.