𝗰𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗸, remus lupin

˗ˋ 45

CHAPTER FORTY FIVE
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-: sixth year :-

── IN WHICH THE TRUTH
COMES OUT

. . .

"Pandora." Remus shook his head in disbelief. "What are you looking to get out of this? Why did you come to Hogwarts - why was it me that you chose?"

There was silence, the faint sound of the Great Hall, lively on a Monday despite the occurences of the night before. The question hung between them, yet he didn't get an answer. So he continued.

 "I'm sure that out of the hundreds of students that attend here there would be someone else willing to delve through the levels of insanity and manipulation they have to face by being friends with you. So why?" Remus asked. "Why, Pandora - why did it have to be me? Why do you keep lying to me? Why do you force yourself into my head? Why do you suddenly let me invite you to place that make you so uncomfortable? Why, Pandora? Why me?"

She was still silent, pools of icy blue staring up into dripping honey. 

"Why." Remus sat back against the stone wall, feeling the uncomfortable grooves of the stone digging into his shoulder blades. "Why do you do it to me? For fuck's sake, Pandora, can't you just give me a straight fucking answer? Why was it me? Or were you just drawn to me because you thought that I was pretty - which is another fucking lie because look at me! I'm a mess."

He had started rambling now, hidden thoughts that he had managed to withheld whilst being in her presence, questions he had never asked her so he wouldn't have to fear her reaction. "You go from one extreme to another with no explanation, you think you can have everything because your magic immediately ranks you outside the laws of social class and status - which is doesn't, and you know it. All it does is exile you, force you into a quieter existence because nobody can fucking stand being around you."

"I came here because I'd been alone for too long." Pandora replied stiffly. "Perhaps the reason nobody fucking likes me is because I don't know how to make them. I might act like I'm on a different level because I am, Remus. I don't know how to be like them, I don't know how to be a normal human being. Your mother might have had more important things to do, but at least she spent the time teaching you how to behave like everyone else." 

"I didn't get that. I don't know what's right and what's wrong. That's never been explained to me, nothing has ever been explained to me. All I have ever known is the insides of the stupid castle. I don't know what to do.. and I thought you understood that." Remus felt something twinge at the sound of her voice cracking. "You were the first person to ever stop me and tell me that something I did was abnormal."

"But surely you know, Pandora." Remus watched her adjust her gaze again, out into the world outside. "You should have known that when you stole a first year's bloody letter opener that something was quite right? I don't see why it has to be me for that change to take place?"

She pulled her legs up to her chest, adjusting the long socks that emerged from her boots, hands wrapping around her ankles and keeping them close to her. "Nobody else ever bother, Remus." She replied. "Nobody ever gave a shit to explain even the slightest of things. Even the Headmaster. The only thing he did was tell me that it was wrong. Nobody bothered to tell me why it was wrong."

"What about your mum?" Remus asked. "You told me you left the kitchen on that Halloween night when she told you not to - how many other times did you disobey her?"

"I didn't. I don't know what happened on that night because I knew what was coming if I did." Pandora stared at her knees now. "I might act oblivious to it, but I know exactly what my mother did. I know how she killed the only other person who had tried to be my friend, I know it was the Cruciatus curse that she used to punish me - but she never explained. She didn't even care that much."

"I'm not some replacement for your crazy mother." Remus said. "I just want to know why it was me who suddenly because this person who could explain things to you. I want to know why I can't seem to fucking turn away even when you jump out of windows or blow up at even the slightest of things. I want to know why I can't just ignore you and pretend the past couple months didn't happen - because I wish they didn't. You cause me so much trouble, Pandora. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. And I just want to know why. Why did you have to pick me?"

"Because I remember, of course I fucking remember." Pandora's voice broke properly then, a painful sound that forced Remus and his ambundance of built up confusion to look at her. "Because I gave you my coat on the first of November years ago and suddenly I find you at the school I decided to go to, even if I don't know it immediately."

Something satisfying rang through Remus's body.

"But as for all your other questions? I don't know. Maybe because you were the only one who actually fucking bothered. Nobody else ever did. Nobody. Not even my mother - who must have loved me even a little to keep me locked away for years. It felt nice. I had never felt anything like it ever, to just have some attention on me and someone trying. Nobody ever tried, Remus. You're the only one whose ever tried and didn't instantly sign me off as a crazy person. Because you're-"

She cut herself off, head raising as she met his eyes again. Looking utterly bewildered, Pandora's hand raised from her ankles, a thumb swiping below her eye.

His heart ached. She was crying. He had made her cry. "Shit." He muttered, deciding to forget all the tension that had built up in his body in face of the unanswered questions and moved closer to her, scarred hands wrapping around her shoulders and holding her close. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to." Remus mumbled into her hair, hand pressed to the back of her head and regretting almost everything. 

"I'll keep trying, Pandora. I promise."

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