Mystery Adventures

Wonder even?

              Ever wonder why you cared for someone you never thought that you would care for?

               Have you ever pushed someone away, not because you don't like them but because you're scared of not being good enough for them or by just simply being afraid of hurting them yourself? You're afraid you say, you have fear, it's a small excuse for it. But being a coward, that seems to fit the hole.

              It's hard for me to say if I like, like somebody or if I don't. The hard part in there is when I actually learn things about the person and actually cared for them. I always end up in the middle of liking them and hating them.

               But I guess, it's just the way we, I am.

               But the harder part is that when you learn to care for the person, you've already pushed them away, hard, way farther than before.  It was over before it even started. Then in the end all you can do is let them walk away. I let him walk away, well I never thought he'll surrender that fast, or maybe I just shoved him harder than I thought.

              Now, seeing him happy, it's fine for me, but it can't be help to think, "what if that was me?", what if I was the one beside him, I was the one smiling with him, being there with him, but of course at the end of the day, its them not you, no us.

              Truth to be told, it is true, "you'll never know someone's worth until they're gone", because actually you thought they'll always be there, but no, one day eventually they'll get tired of you, they'll leave you, no matter how long or how short they've been with you.

              And it's something that I regret, maybe I'm no good in expressing things, showing myself, telling how I feel, because honestly up until now, I'll always be too late before I can even know what I really feel. I admire those people who have the courage to say what they feel, unlike me, here, hiding, keeping my thoughts, even how badly I wish you could read this.

             My final words, now I have figured it out, I wish I could go back to that time when it was still me,  I wish I have the right words for you to stay and wait for me, those words that I didn't have and didn't know back then. I like you, I do, you never fail to let me feel how special I am, ask me simple things that only few knew, always ask how I was, how my day was, never failed to make me smile even with little things, and I'm sorry for those times I ignored you, I was confused I guess I didn't know anything, and now I do, now that you have her, and I wish you happiness, though I wish it was still me, but I let go, I let go of you, and so do you. I won't hold you back, no matter how I wanted to hold you so bad.

           Funny because there's no final words for me, I'll always have words for you, and because of you I have them, those words I needed before, those words I badly wanted to say, those words that made me feel things, made me a human, made me love. No matter how I want to say those words to you, too bad I can't and I won't but at least now I know, that if ever that certain person comes in my life, I know what I'll say, whether it'll be you or someone, for now, I know I have those words that made me wonder these things. 

        You were the first great adventure in my life that made me even wonder, and I am blessed that you came.

            Those words, I have them, and the rest I will leave them in God's hands and in His right time.

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