So Long, Not Goodnight

Chapter Twenty-Two

Gerard stared at the pendulum swing of the red tie in Frank's fist, completely hypnotized. Frank pulled it down out of immediate sight, breaking the spell. "Are you alright, Gee?"

The thought of being with Frank again rushed through his veins, his heart beat frantic with the promise of more release. "I'm fine..." Gerard tried to pull all of his thoughts together. "Better than fine, actually. I'm... You make me feel... I can't really explain it."

His thoughts raced around all the things that he could say and none of them came close to how radiant Frank had made him feel, just how wonderful the world looked through Frank's lens. He used to wonder why he was here and what good there was to his existence. Every day just to repeat again and again until death came calling. Even though he had friends, a loving family, a place to sleep at night, there was always something inside of him that felt empty that gaped and began to swallow all the things that brought him happiness. He had felt dead inside for so long that he forgot how it felt to actually be alive, not just to be living. Sometimes, the only thing he felt was keeping him alive was his art, but the desire and lust to create began to dissociate from him and he felt less and less motivated. Looking over his drawings and paintings, he felt embarrassed to have even created them, sometimes staying up all night crying and tearing pages from his sketchbook into tiny pieces of confetti to sop up all his despair. It got so bad that he rarely left his room, blocking out his windows with large pieces of parchment painted black. His mom would leave food outside his bedroom just to return to it wilted and cold hours later. Forcing pen, or brush, to paper, Gerard tried to exorcise his demons one by one but they just were just copies of stills stamped in his mind. It kept him up most nights, he could feel her presence in the darkness watching him that no pill or potion quieted. She lived inside his head and in the peripherals of his eyes. 

Just when he hit such a low of almost overdosing on sleeping pills, he tried to run away from everything, but something followed him, promising that he couldn't outrun his thoughts, though he tried. He ran and ran and ran until his whole body broke and he resigned to giving up when Frank had found him and pulled him through. The first time he looked into his eyes, it sent a small spark of something good into his heart that caught and fanned the flame throughout him that set himself on fire. Frank could have left him in that abandoned church alone, let the flames of the candles burn him like a witch of Essex, watch as the blade slid through his neck and let his life bleed out from him own hand, but he didn't. In just the short span that they were acquainted, he had saved his life a number of times selflessly. Listening to his past with no judgement and accepting it as fact instead of rolling his eyes in disbelief or claiming him insane. She was just as real to Frank as she was to Gerard, even though Frank lived only through Gerard's memories. 

"Gee, baby," Frank's voice shook Gerard from his black hole of thoughts. "What's the matter? Please tell me."

"I was just thinking of how I could put all of," he gestured with both hands circling one another between them. "This into words... But it just feels impossible to narrate. Do you remember in the chapel when you asked me if I believe in a god or a higher power?"

"Yeah..."

"Well," Gerard reached both his hands out and spread them overtop Frank's open palms, his red tie looped over his right hand. "The way I feel when I'm with you... That feeling feels greater and more powerful than anything this or any other world can comprehend. It's like I learned to breathe again and feel again in a way that wasn't all pain and darkness. There will always be a darkness, but through you I feel like there's a light inside of that darkness that grows brighter."

Gerard looked down and saw Frank's tattooed fingers fold over his skin, his thumb rubbing an arch on the side of his ring finger. "I've never felt even close to how I feel with you ever in my life, Gee," Frank confessed. "Even though I hate what she is doing to you and I promise we'll figure it out and move on from this, but I kinda love her because she brought us together and I feel like I can give you a happier ending to this story."