So Long, Not Goodnight

Chapter Thirty-Six

The room felt too small, like the walls were on a timer and were closing in with every second that ticked by. Frank looked frozen in place as still silent tears slid down from his eyes, dripping down onto the pages of the yearbook, a gargoyle in the rain. Gerard swept the book out of Frank's hands, closing it and replacing it back to it's place on the shelf. Settling down on his knees, Gerard wiped at Frank's face, drying his eyes and tilting his chin up. "Hey," Gerard's voice commanding Frank's attention. "We'll make this right, okay?"

"How?" Frank trembled like the room was freezing, but his eyes full of heat. 

"I didn't get quite that far yet," Gerard sighed. "Maybe confront him?"

"Confront him?" Frank laughed mockingly. "I... I want him dead, Gee. I want him fucking dead."

"Frankie," Gerard combed his fingers through Frank's bangs, his eyes mirroring his pain. "We've talked about that... That isn't what Bobby or Jamia would have wanted..."

"How would you know that they didn't want just that?" Frank lashed out, standing up and shaking off Gerard's touch. 

Gerard gasped and pulled his arms in close, hugging himself, still on his knees. He sagged and slumped onto the floor, pulling his knees into his chest, trying to depress Frank's aggressive rejection. His heartbeat thumped in his ears, throbbing harshly behind his eyes as his head began to ache. The atmosphere around him reanimated memories of bullies mock catcalling him in the hallways after rumors had surfaced of an alleged affair he had with one of the male student teachers that made his already socially awkward self a complete pariah to his peers. It all came crashing down around him, the seam rupturing inside of his brain, pouring old but new memories out in a sudden riptide that swirled around him and sucked him down, filling his lungs and choking him. 

His fists flew to his ears, pinioning his skull, continuously pushing and pushing with as much force that he could, eyes clamped shut, pulling his face upwards and his mouth stretched open pulling things back in place. Small shakes fevered to severe shudders that wracked over his body in strong spasms. Frank collapsed down beside Gerard, holding his body tightly trying to calm his boyfriend, whispering into his ear. "Baby... Baby.... Shhh.... Shh... I'm so so sorry... That was so selfish of me... You were just trying to help."

Frank felt his body convulse sporadically in his arms as he continued to rub his back and coo in his ear. As pieces of a repressed puzzle fell into place, Gerard leaned forward wheezing in panic trying to clamp his eyes tighter so he couldn't see, but the pictures in his brain were as clear and overbearing as watching a movie in the cinema. His head felt like it would blow off of his shoulders as he pushed and pushed his eyelids shut tighter and tighter and tighter until everything turned white and red ran down his nose, his body collapsing with exhaustion into Frank's. "I need some help in here!" Frank called out, hoping Denise was still in the vicinity since he hadn't seen anyone else in the office. 

The woman from the front desk entered the room, pulling her hands to her face. "Good heavens!" 

"Do you mind getting him some water and some tissues, please?" Frank kept his voice flat as he looked up at her.

"Of course!" Her kitten heels clacked against the hard floor, receding back into the office.

The rise and fall of Gerard's chest went from a peaceful, sleeplike motion to panicked twitches as Frank continued holding him close. Denise's clacking soles approached and she leaned down, setting a disposable coffee cup of water and a rectangular box of school grade tissue on the floor. "Do you need me to call the nurse?" She asked from her perch.  

"No, it should be fine," Frank propped Gerard up against his chest, wiping his bloodied nose. "He suffers from these spells. It's kinda normal for him."