Reclusive- s.r

nineteen (!)

I'm all in.

I'm all in.

I'm all in.

Seventy-two hours later and I'm still thinking about those three words, can't seem to get them out of my mind, actually. I'm not sure what he meant by it, and I'm not sure if I'm meant to be happy about it or not, but from his voice, it sounds like I should be, so maybe I could try and be happier? I don't know. All I know is that Spencer told me he's all in, and I have no idea what that entails, and I hate the feeling of not knowing. I hate the feeling of now knowing where Spencer is going to be next year, because he still hasn't made a choice.

Shocking, I know.

The very man who is almost, if not more organized than I am has yet to make a very, very important decision. It's out of character for him, and I have the slightest feeling that I've got a lot to do with it. It makes me feel guilty because I didn't even factor him into my choice when I announced where I would be going next year.

Does that makes me a bad girlfriend? Am I selfish for wanting to go to my dream school with no hesitation, even if it means I have to leave my boyfriend behind?

Maybe I'm just not cut out for serious relationships. Maybe my ex, Daniel was right, and I am selfish, only concerned about myself rather than those around me. I know Spencer would never want me to give up my dreams, and I love him for being so supportive, but if I'm not willing to meet him halfway, then maybe I'm not cut out for this.

As I sit in front of my computer, looking at my acceptance email once more, I feel a strange feeling in my stomach. I haven't officially committed anywhere yet, but I plan on doing it right now, because I want to get this stuff over with so I can move on. Spencer flashes through my mind again and I hesitate, thinking about the possibility of a long-distance relationship, my heart inevitably getting broken. It feels wrong to make a choice yet before he does, especially not knowing the state of our relationship.

I can't exactly pressure him into making a decision either because it wouldn't be fair to him. This is his future, and I have no place in telling him what he should do in it. Then again, I wonder if he's waiting for me to tell him what to do, but if he is then he'll be waiting forever because this is one choice he has to make on his own.

It's a strange feeling, because after sleeping with him, I somehow feel closer to him than ever, yet he also feels just out of reach with this strange gap in between us. What if that little gap grows bigger, until the two of us are states apart?

I run a hand across my face and slam my laptop shut, pushing myself from my desk and walking toward my bed. I sit on the edge of it and brace my elbows on my knees, running my fingers through the roots of my hair and inhaling sharply. I hate this. I hate not knowing what to expect, and I hate that I can't prepare myself for the future.

It's an unreasonable thing to expect, I know deep down that I can't know everything. But it's an unreasonably high expectation that if I can predict things ahead, then maybe I can better prepare myself for when they happen. If I have to break up with Spencer, then I want to be prepared for it, because I know it'll hurt me just as much as him.

But I'm a selfish person apparently, so I've been told.

I can't deal with this right now. I just need Spencer. I grab a few items and shove them into the pockets of my sweatshirt, jogging down the stairs and shouting a goodbye as I walk to the bus stop. I take the bus that I know will land me at Spencer's room, and I hesitate before I land three sharp knocks to his door. When he opens up, he looks surprised to see me, furrowing his brows at me and rubbing his eyes, opening the door further so I can walk in.