Preferably In Bed Sheets

25/02

"No you were shirtless Jessie. All you needed was to unbuckle your pants and you'd be fucking her. I kissed him fully clothed," I screamed back at Jessie.

We were walking home, arguing the whole way. Jessie practically dragged me out of the party, ignoring everyone who tried to talk to us. He was treating me like a child and I wanted to act like one. We still had at least 2 miles of arguing and screaming and fighting.

"You kissed him after you seen Katie kiss me. Oh and Katie kissed me not vise versa, I pushed her off me and you walked in on that. You kissed Harrison out of spite of me."

"Because you where with her. It never would have happened if you weren't with her!" I growled.

This has been the same conversation for the past ten minutes. It just goes around in circles and it sickens me. Not only am I tired but I'm bored. I'm bored of having to deal with this nearly everyday. I don't understand why we try. If it was anyone else, I would have stopped a long time ago. Jessie just seems to be my drug.

"Delilah, do you realise how childish you sound? If you want to play it like that then who was the one who started talking to Harrison as soon as you spotted him? You left me first to piss off with him so don't you dare accuse me of leaving you for Katie."

I stopped. I stopped in the middle of the road and wished I had my fire escape. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run away. But instead I laughed.

Jessie was a couple of meters ahead but twisted his neck to look back at me. I couldn't help but laugh more at his deep blue eyes. I wish I could stop but the more I tried the more I laughed.

Jessie was fully facing me now, a face mixed with concern and curiosity. In one swift motion, he swung me over his shoulder singing while doing so. It was stupid lyrics like 'I'm not letting you down until you stop laughing, Delilah Moon is not reaching the ground until she stops laughing'.

When I eventually stopped my big laughter and resumed with tiny giggles, Jessie returned my feet to the ground. He began to say something but I shushed him. We were both happy, I didn't want words to ruin that.

"Don't speak until we reach home. Hold my hand, walk with me in silence and just think. Don't talk or laugh or anything. Just hold my hand, think about everything and don't let my hand go."

I intertwined my fingers with his. I thought about what I would say when we got home. I didn't want complicated, I wanted simple.

After I stopped thinking, I relaxed. I liked where I was right now. Dancing under the streetlight, holding the hand of a boy. I was happy in that moment, but then we reached home.

We entered through Jessie's apartment. Chad and Ashley where making out on the couch with crappy rap music playing loudly so neither of them heard us come in. We still didn't untwine our fingers.

As soon as we entered his room, we paused the awkwardness and got comfy. I took off my boots and sat cross legged on Jessie's bed. He mimicked my position and faced me with the deepest blue eyes I have even seen.

"Do you know what you want to say?"

He nodded.

"I've tried being your friend although it partially kills me, and for a week I was a pretty good one. Then on your birthday you turned your head. Since then I've known I really like you, like I've liked no one else, but I wasn't sure you felt the same way. Then when Katie came back, that was throwing a whole new ball into the court. I dated Katie for over a year and she dropped me just like that. But she was my first love and that's never going to change.
"Then I seen you tonight with him and I thought 'Wow, they would be great together'. But then I got so frustrated and incredibly angry when I seen you kiss him. Don't you realise he was your first kiss? He so special to you now because of that and I can't change that and that... That kills me inside."

Woah. I felt a wall of emotion crumble down on me. I avoided Jessie's face, knowing exactly what it would look like. Innocent. A single tear ran down my cheek and I instantly became angry. I've never cried sad tears in front of anyone - not even Paige.

My blood began to boil as I rose from the bed pacing his room while deciding what to say. He's such a mindfuck that I don't know what to say. I'm so confused. Everything I wanted to say has disappeared out of my head.

I looked at him. He was looking at me encouragingly and with open eyes. It was infuriating that he can be this calm while something inside of me is bursting to get out.

For one, why did he get angry when he seen me kiss Harrison when he literally just kissed Katie. Two, if he likes me so fucking much why was he with Katie? He is screwing with me and I'm beginning to think he's enjoying it.

After another tear ran down my cheek, my inner hulk was ready to come out. I was ready to scream and shout until my throat was raw but I had more self-control. That may be the only thing I have control over. I felt so defeated and weak. When I spoke, I was surprised at how small I sounded.

"Jessie I can't deal with this anymore, you have to choose; Me or Katie. Me, who you know likes you and won't drop you like that or Katie, who will drop you as soon as something better comes along. I'm tired of waiting for you and I thought it was the universe pulling us apart but it's just the universe testing us. So I'll give you the rest of tonight to decide. Me or Katie."

Jessie appeared shocked with what I told him, but I didn't wait around to discuss it further. I landed in my bed and absorbed into my sheets. Sleep soon followed, then the morning.

***

I woke from my sleep. I didn't seem to get enough last night as I was constantly twisting and turning but I naturally melted away. I was feeling good. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, everything should feel good.

I checked my phone, it was 10:37 and I had a few notifications and texts. Only one of the texts was from the person I wanted it to be. I held my breath, waiting to read his decision as I opened the text from Jessie.

Jessie: Hey, text me when you're awake. I've made my decision.

You know that awful feeling you get when you know something bad is going to happen? I wasn't feeling that. I wish I was, but I felt nothing but hope. I was hoping Jessie would say he loves me so we can be together.

Yes I said the scary word; Love. But I've slept on it and think I do love him. That's why I haven't gave up. That's why I feel like I have no control. Because when you're in love you don't give up and you have no control. It's how you know it's real.

I texted him, telling him to meet me at the fire escape now. I didn't change last night when I went to bed, so I just slipped into a pair of sweats and a button up shirt. I clipped my fringe back and tied my hair in a low bun.

I pushed the window open, letting the cold metal of the fire escape freeze my bare feet. I looked up, seeing Jessie leaning against the railing with a cigarette in hand. He didn't look at me, even when we stood shoulder to shoulder.

I studied his face. He looked like he never slept last night with the huge bags under his eyes. Oh, those eyes. We remained silent. He took a drag from his cigarette and exhaled slowly, letting the smoke dance in the faint wind.

"I spent the whole night thinking about what you said. Then I spent the whole morning deciding what I would tell you. So I'm just going to come out with it. Delilah, there is so much history with Katie to just forget about. I really really like you, but it's not enough. I need you more as my friend than my girlfriend. I rang Katie earlier and we're back together, officially. I love you but I'm not in love with you, at least not like I was with Katie and I have to see it through. You should move on, be with someone who is worth your time and treats you like the queen you are."

He kissed my forehead, wiped away my tears then left. He left me on the fire escape all by myself. I'm so stupid. I actually thought for a second he was going to say he chose me, he wants me. But of course not. I knew right from the start I wasn't a match for Katie but I still dared to challenge her. I let out something I've been holding in for a while.

A scream.