Beige Hearts

twenty five - XXV

"I'll move to dad. I want to get to know Yokohama better" was what I told my mom. It was nothing but a bad excuse to escape this city. It had been a few days since everything that's happened but I quickly realized that I physically could not stay any longer. Every building, every corner I turned, every path I walked. Each cup in my house and every makeup article on my desk. Everything reminded me of her and it ached. It ached so badly, I couldn't stand it.

My mother allowed my proposal almost immediately, telling me how she'd always wanted me to get to know other places than Tokyo. I noticed the glint of worry in her eyes, which must've been also part of the reason why she allowed me the move to my father even though he rarely had time. "Just tell Takashi okay? I'm sure he'll want to know"

I put on my jacket, a scarf and shoes and left the house. Takashis house wasn't far so I walked. As I stood in front of his apartment complex, I debated the urge to turn back an leave. I hated confrontation. I sighed as I decided against it. Leaving like this was already selfish enough, he deserved to at least know.

Normally I would've let myself in with the key his mom once gave me, like I always did. This time I rang the doorbell, knowing he would have to come open the main door himself since the electricity was broken. I didn't plan to come in. I wanted to talk outside. 

As predicted, he soon opened the door, curious as to who would ring when his friends call him instead of ringing the bell and I had a key. No one else really came over randomly. "(Y/n)? Did you forget your key? Come in." I didn't want to stall too long and I didn't want to hear his response to my decision. I didn't even ask him about his opinion on the topic before. Not that it was his decision to be making at all but normally I would've indecisively called him, explained and asked him what to do but this, this was out of nowhere. "I'm leaving"

He furrowed his brows "What" I repeated myself "I'm leaving. I'm moving away" on top of that our parents were friends. Surely my mom would've told his if we moved and so he'd be informed. But I wasn't forced to move away, I was leaving voluntarily. It means that I decided this without informing him even in the slightest beforehand and he could do nothing against it. Not that he probably would've, he probably would've agreed with anything I decided to do but this was so sudden and he didn't know why I wanted to leave in the first place. Or that's what I thought.

"You're moving away? Where to?" I didn't look him in the eyes, I felt bad about what I was doing but I needed to just leave. I was suffocating. If I could have, I would've moved in a small quiet town, far away but I couldn't do that just yet. My parents would never agree.  My only other option was to move to my father to Yokohama since that's where he works. I stared at the stairs leading up to the door swell, unresponsive.

"Why wont you tell me where you're moving to?" my eyes were calmly roaming the floor, getting stuck on a bit of grass peaking out between two cobblestones. It will hurt to be honest but he deserves to know. I pushed down the almost immediate urge to lie and tuen the situation to one where I was somehow being made to do this, in order to escape judgement. "Because I'm going to get myself a new phone with a new number" the lilac hair colored boy didn't see anything wrong in that. "You can still text me with your new one" and I would have done that, if blanking out everything that reminded me of emma wasn't the only way I could escape the suffocation.

I couldn't understand why I was feeling like this. I felt incredibly guilty. Takashi didn't feel like that when his friend Baji died right? And Mikey and Draken seemed to be doing well. A little down sure but long do they not seem to be doing as bad as me, so why was I the only one who was absolutely destroyed and on the lowest of low? Was it because I loved her? But Draken did too. Was I too emotional? Were my emotions not valid? Even Mikey didn't look as bad and he was her own brother. What was wrong with me? 

I took a deep breath "I don't want you or anyone to call me or message me. Don't contact me anymore" I said honestly and bowed coldly, I stayed down for a few seconds before I decided to leave. In the back of my head I though that maybe being cold and rude would keep him from stopping me. I didn't want to hear his response. Though his response came faster than I'd anticipated. "Is it because of Emma?" He asked. The first time in a long time I heard his voice cold and reserved. My eyes widened and in that moment I was thankful I stayed down. Watching the ground instead of his eyes.

"You know, ever since Emma appeared it's always been 'Emma this Emma that' and an on and on about Emma. Do you even realize how much you talked about her? How much you raved about her to me? Did you even realize I was fucking tired of hearing it? I was there all the time and listened to you day dream about another person and I didn't complain once and now that she's gone you just decide to leave? What the hell? What the actual fuck? Did everything here mean nothing to you? It kind of feels like all you used our friendship for was talking about your problems and Emma. You just needed someone to talk to and that's it, wasn't it? You never actually cared whether it was me or anyone else, did you? Fuck, didn't you only choose me because I was friends with her brother? I should've known, seriously." Goosebumps covered my arms when he finally snapped and I stood up straight, keeping my eyes locked on the floor. Cold shame shot through me.

I really didn't realize but was I stupid? Was he too good at hiding it? Or was I simply dense and flat out dumb? Did he make it obvious? How could I not notice he wasn't enjoying the time we spent together? How could I not realize I tired him out? How could I make him think that this is all I thought of our friendship? How could I do that? He was my best friend. And I made him feel like I only used him to get closer to his friends sister. I was so dumb. So stupid. What kind of person makes their friends feel that way? 

"I-" I started but he interrupted me. I was somewhat happy he didn't let me talk. What would I say? Hey Takashi, I'm sorry if I made you feel that way? A simple sorry? That's not enough. At least not for making him feel years long like I didn't care about our friendship. "No I don't want to hear anything from you. Go on, leave for all I care. Fucking run away like you always do from your problems. This time I wont solve your problem for you like I always have to because you can't handle your own shit. I wont bother you or hold you back. Go ahead and piss off. Honestly, I regret ever becoming friends with you. I'm so fucking stupid for having been your friend for so long. All I ended up getting was having my feelings hurt. You're a selfish fucking person. I can't stand you. So if you really leave, then don't fucking come back. I don't want you back here" Then he slammed the door shut. I knew it was my fault. I knew I made him feel this way and I was in no position to get hurt by his words but I still couldn't help the familiar hot swell of tears in my eyes. I knew I made him feel like our friendship was nothing but a self-interested friendship. 

Every second I stood in front of that closed door, my thoughts rushing and racing through my head, I felt worse and worse about myself. How couldn't I notice? How could I be such a bad friend? He always helped me deal with feelings when I didn't know how to handle them, he always helped me with everything. Did I ever help him? Did I only use him? Did I ever stop to consider his feelings? Did I really completely disregard him? I called him my best friend but was that feeling even mutual?

I felt warm tears run down my cold cheeks as I crouched down. Why did I have to be such a terrible person and I didn't even realize it. I wished he would've been a jerk, I wished he would've been mean to me, I wished he would've been a total and complete asshole. But he wasn't. No he wasn't at all. He was good to me, he was kind, he never complained, he always went along with whatever I said, he never told me off or treated me badly. He is such a good human. He never did anything really wrong. So I had no one left to blame but me.
 And it fucking hurt. Because I knew it was true.

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I listened to extra sad songs, you're welcome

(1648 Words)

Edited 17.jun.23