My Reason to Live

Chapter 20

Jade's POV

I'm sitting on a chair in the middle of my roof terrace.

The place is still lit up like a Christmas tree. The champagne is still sitting in the cooler by the table. The plates and silverware are still in place on the table. The dinner I cooked last night is still on the counter in the kitchen.

Everything is the same as it was last night.

Except she isn't here.

I'm alone.

And I'm a good halfway through a fifth of whiskey, which I've been drinking straight from the bottle, because that's how I roll nowadays. I'm just missing the brown paper bag around it.

Also, I'm staring at Squishy and Ducky, who I brought out from the bedroom where Perrie had left them on the nightstand on her side of the bed—she had a side of the bed—and I have set them on the floor in front of me, so I can stare at them and torture myself with thinking about Perrie while getting drunk and listening to Daniel Bedingfield on repeat. It's still playing from last night. I never turned it off.

After Perrie ran out of here and I picked my heart up off the floor, I realized that she'd left her bag. I panicked, knowing that she was out in the city with no money and phone. Her hotel was a good thirty-minute walk from my place.

I could have gone after her, but I was sure she wouldn't want to see me, so I called Paul and had him drive around and look for her.

He found her soaked through and walking in the direction of the hotel.

He got her in the car and drove her the rest of the way. That's what I'd told him to do.

I'd already called ahead to the hotel to make sure they had a new key card ready for her, as that was in her bag, too.

Paul saw her up to the hotel room and made sure she got in safe.

Then, I had him come back here, get her bag, and take it to her.

I wanted to hold on to it, so she would have to come back. But I knew it wouldn't be right because that wasn't the reason I wanted her to come back.

I want her to come back...for me.

But she hasn't.

I haven't heard anything from her since last night. And, now, it's today. The night is starting to come in, and I don't know what to do.

I've just alternated between wandering around my apartment to lying in bed and smelling the pillow because it smells of her.

Yeah, I've turned into that person.

So, now, I'm sitting here like a loser, well on my way to getting drunk, listening to the same sad song because it makes me think of her, and I'm wondering what she's doing right now.

Yeah, I'm wallowing. Fucking sue me.

I do know Perrie is still at the hotel, as I told them to call me if she checked out. Or anytime she left at all.

Stalker-ish, I know, but I don't care.

God, how did I screw up so monumentally?

I asked her to stay.

She said no.

So, I told her that I loved her. And, because I couldn't keep my mouth shut, I said that I knew she loved me, too.

Then, she told me that she didn't love me, and she ran out of here like her ass was on fire.

I laugh out loud at myself. Then, I choke on that laughter because it feels like I might cry. So, I take another slug of whiskey to wash it away.