My Reason to Live

Chapter 22

"It's the ending I want."

I couldn't stay at the hospital. Not after hearing her say those words.

Those five words...so final. I knew there was nothing I could say or do to change her mind.

I felt helpless. I still do.

For the first time in my life, I know there is nothing I can do.

There is no arguing. No fighting. No reasoning.

I can't change this.

Even though everything inside me is screaming for me to fight, I know it'd be pointless.

You can't change a person's mind if it's truly what they want.

And Perrie wants to die.

This vibrant, beautiful girl wants to die.

I feel like I don't know her. Maybe I never did.

And I don't know how to deal with that...with any of it. So, I left her there, in that hospital bed, and I walked away.

Now, I just feel lost.

And, when I feel lost, I go to the only place that's ever felt like home.

Well, apart from Perrie.

She felt like home.

From the moment I met her, I knew that she was different. That my life was about to change. I just didn't realize how it would change.

It took less than two weeks for her to steal my heart completely.

Every time I touch Perrie, I feel grounded...that safety that only home can give you.

But that's gone now, and there's only one place I can go to get some sense of assurance that everything is going to be okay even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it won't ever be okay again.

Nothing will ever be okay if Perrie isn't here, lighting up the earth.

By the time Lenny and Eddie drove me to my apartment, the sun was starting to rise. We'd been at the hospital all night. They had wanted to stay with me, but I told them that I wanted to be alone.

And, at that moment, I did. I wanted to be alone with my pain. I wanted to be alone to think. To try to make sense of all this.

But, when I walked inside my apartment, she was everywhere. On every surface. Every smell and sound...her.

I could hear the echo of her voice and laughter. The feel of her body pressed against mine. Her scent...her everything.

In such a small space of time, she had consumed my mind and body. She had become what life should be about.

And I lost it.

Desolation hit me, and I had never felt more alone than I did in that moment.

Still do now.

So, without even showering or changing, I left my apartment.

I walked the streets of London for hours, watching people heading to work, shops opening up. All I could think of was the bus tour of London that we did.

I walked into Hyde Park, the fair long gone. The memory of being there with her is forever embedded in my mind.

I left the park, and all that I could think about was that she's here, lying in a hospital bed in my city.

I had left my apartment to get away from the loneliness, from her, and she was everywhere.

So, I went back to my apartment and got my car keys. I climbed in my car and started driving to the only place that'd ever filled that emptiness inside me. To the one person who had never let me down.