Brave new world

Chapter 18

Clarke's POV

Finally I was in my room alone after a quite long day. Too many important decisions to take but too little focus on them.

And how could I focus on that when the only thing running through my mind was Bellamy.

Bellamy and his words, his reactions. Just Bellamy.

Fuck you Bellamy.

I was angry, mad, maybe. But mostly sad, confused and heartbroken.

Oh screw this.

I needed to fix this once and for all. Clear it all up. And prepare to pick up my pieces or live out my wildest dreams.

Probably the first. It was worth a try though. I knew he wasn't in a position ready to give me what I needed, after all he had to find himself before he focused on me. I just needed to know if he was willing to try at all.

So, with that in mind I started walking towards Bellamy's room.

And if I was secretly praying Bellamy would be willing to try no-one had to know.

Standing outside his door was when I started to have doubts. I couldn't do this. I wanted to turn around and leave. Pretend none of it was real, nothing had ever happened.

It was too late though. It had happened. I had to do this.

I took a last deep breath and knocked on the door.

Bellamy opened the door with his mouth opening in surprise.

"Won't you let me in?"

"Uh,I wasn't expecting you
to be honest but come in."

He moved away from the door and gestured for me to come in.

"So, to what  do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

"I-uh,I wanted to-to um."

Damn it Clarke, stop stuttering!

I cleared my throat and tried again.

"We need to talk." I said with much more conviction this time.

Way to go Clarke scaring the guy like that.

"About what?"

I couldn't understand if he was genuinely that oblivious or if he was just pretending.

Either way, it was getting on my nerves.

"What do you think? Us, obviously."

"What is there to say? Look, this is really not the right time Clarke. You have to understand it's nothing personal, but I don't know you just as I don't know myself."

"I get that! It doesn't mean you have to treat me like that though! Like we never even kissed? Like you didn't even want it?"

He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath.

"Did you come here to fight again? Because I'm really not in the mood for that..."

"Oh please, do make me feel even worse for standing up for myself!"

"That's not what I was trying to do. Just, look, I get that you want answers but I can't give them to you. At least not right now okay?"

"Is that your way of telling me to leave now?"

"No, you don't have to leave. I- I don't want you to. Let's just talk yeah? About small stuff. Have a normal conversation. Did we ever have those before?"

"Sometimes. Whenever we had the chance. It was nice."

"Okay. Let's do it now as well then. Why don't we sit down?"

I nodded my head and we both sat down on the bed. It was awkward and for a while  neither of us knew what to say but in a way, it wasn't so bad. It was a start. A good one.

Bellamy broke the silence first.
"How does it feel knowing we're going back home soon then? I know there are people left on Sanctum. You must miss them."

"Yeah I do. There's quite a lot of people left behind. It's exciting knowing I'll see them. Do you remember any of them? Even a little bit?"

"Some of them. I've got a few memories but not completely obviously. I haven't remembered anyone like that yet.

Like, uhm Madi was it? The little girl. And the doctor? Jackson? Your mum's helper right? I remember her too a little. You must be thrilled to see her after all this time!"

My mum. God, how I wish I could see her again.

Yeah, I would've been thrilled.

But I can't.

I felt like I couldn't breathe. I hadn't had time to grieve her since Octavia had been taken.

Her memory came too suddenly to me.

Oh mum, I miss you.

I felt my eyes burn. I tried to hold back the tears.

I didn't realize they had fallen until I felt Bellamy's warm hand wiping them away.

"Hey Clarke, what's wrong? What happened?"

I turned my head up to see him look down on me worried.

Of course, he had no idea why I was acting like that.

And how could I tell him?

"I'm sorry, I have to go."

I couldn't stay here any longer. This was a bad idea. A very bad idea.

I stood up and started walking away.

Before I had even made it to the door Bellamy grabbed my hand, with just enough force in it to make my steps halt.

He turned me around and slowly wrapped his arms around me pulling me to his chest.

And that was it. My breaking point.

I let it out and cried. Cried because I would never see my mother again. Cried because she'd never hug me the way Bellamy was at this moment and comfort me like this.

I knew it. Of course I knew it. But I hand't understood exactly what her dying meant.

"Shh.. let it all out Clarke. It's gonna be alright."

He didn't know though. He didn't even know what he was trying to comfort me about.

"I just... miss her so much."

"Yeah but you'll see her soon right?"

I sobbed harder.

"You don't understand! She's not... I won't see her... She's gone. Forever."

A small gasp escaped his lips. But his hold on me just got tighter.

"God I'm sorry, I'm sorry I had no idea..."

I wanted to say that it wasn't his fault but words just couldn't escape my mouth. I knew if I tried to speak again I'd just cry more.

So I tightened my hold on him too. And I was holding on for dear life.

Because in the past years, truth is, he's become my life support.

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