Chapter 3
What is love? Is the feeling when you see food? Is the feeling when you see someone who matters a lot to you? Or is it just hormones? To be honest if I could describe love, I would say it's how you feel when your around them or how you think about them, when you see them all you get is butterflies and you smile at them even though they haven't said a joke. My whole life I've loved 5 people and I know a lot of people, love is something rare to feel and once you feel it and the person you love goes, it's like the feeling of being hit by a bus and it's hard to heal from love, love is dangerous and scary but it can be peaceful and blinding.
At my age you would think "what do I know about love" but after asking a few people and you know when they explaining their point of view you think of that specific person who you're with and it makes you feel good right? I have a unique personality I'm am overly forgiving, loving, caring, name it all I'm that and I attach very quickly towards someone I feel is worth my all, and unfortunately I've always loved the wrong people who were fake, using, two sided, I was always hurt and people's opinions on me were my number 1 priority and even after they were fake and using me being extremely two-faced I stayed with them because I had auto phobia "fear of being alone or of loneliness" so I stayed with them even though I knew, but years later someone took it overboard and destroyed my everything, which then I stopped being friends with people I know weren't worth of my loyalty and I wrote down a list of people who have been true to me and those who I knew were fake and the rest were okay but I ended up loving 5 people which were 2 friends and 3 adults.
What I'm trying to say love is tiring, stressful, worth the wait because I know there are some of you who have been hurt by either you were dumped, cheated on, back stabbed yeah I know it hurts and you think that all these people are the same but it's not the case, you just fell for the wrong people what you need to know love is not a playing game once you say the words 'I love you' it has a lot of meaning toward it. Love is a commitment this means that you will have moments that will fear you, and hurt you but even after all you will stay, love is a bad thing that feels good. Its sometimes blinding because you will think you're in love, but you're in an environment that is not healthy, you are continuously depressed, scared and you know it, but you love that person so much that you can't escape.
If I have ever said 'I love you' to someone this what I meant; "even though things will get tough between us, I'll always be there for you and even when your mad at me I'll be that same punching bag you need, you are a priority to me and your opinions matter and ill appreciate you when no one does". Myself it sounds like I've figured this love emotion thing but I haven't, I keep on learning about it the more I meet people who are true to me. I met someone who makes me happy, believe it or not she saved me, I remember that day very clearly I was minutes away from killing myself and I decide to pull a Hannah baker ( when you give life one more chance) and I went to go and ask this person for advise and her advice helped me and saved me because I finally found someone who understood me and really knew what's it like to have such a beat up life and she saved me and till this day she still makes me happy and feel special she is the person that is worth my ' I love you' I wasn't lying when I wrote in her birthday card " you are the best decision my heart has ever made – Kennedy Ryan"
she truly was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Right there I knew how love felt with true passion so my advice for you is you will find someone who you will occupy your mind 24/7, it doesn't matter if that person is a girl or boy or man or woman be proud that you found someone who makes you happy and safe, and I want to advice you teenagers about something that you're afraid to admit to yourselves or your parents and that your sexuality
listen if you're; gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, transgender etc. Don't be afraid of your sexuality, own it if you know that your either one of these sexualises and once you find out then own it. It's hard to figure it out the first time and you don't want to except it but once you meet that one person that will make you happy and feel special and all you can imagine is you and that person only and you just want to be happy with them forever then so be it, do that, it was hard to let go of someone I loved so much and I realised late that I actually loved them because I was afraid to accept that I was bisexual but after I lost them I realized who I really was but I became the old me after how stupid I was to have lost that person because when I knew about it all I ever wanted was them but what I'm saying don't waste your time taking up your time with the thought of not being that sexuality just see it through and see if that's what you really are and trust me when you know it ,
it will feel like a huge impact has been lifted off your shoulders. I know some parents, families wont expects you and they will make you as if you're a disgrace and your lost and your "following Satanism" and I understand it's against the bibles word but that you can pray about but your parents will have to except you because you are who you are and you aren't going to change yourself just because the world hates it or your families and parents are against it
if you could look at it in a different perspective people hate everything new or hates a strong word people are phobic and disapprove on new things example most orphanages and people who are neglected are dysfunctional because there scared of ruining their "perfect reputations" but look now most parents have expected if there kids were disabled and now there are people who homophobic so what if there homophobic don't care about what they have got say about you people will always have an opinion on everything, to be honest if they actually thought that their opinions mattered tell them to their faces that YOU DON'T GIVE A CRAP, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, IT'S MY LIFE NOT OURS,!! I DON'T REMEMBER US BEING IN MY MOTHERS WOMB FOR 8 MONTHS!! If they got something else to say to that look at them and walk away so
life is to short you never know if you're going to wake up the next day so do whatever you think is right before it's too late stop caring about the haters because there bored with their lives why do you think they have the time to talk smack about you
love is complicated, love is one of the things I'm most afraid of. The reason of this problem I have is I've loved people and they have betrayed me my problem is I always love the wrong people, but sometimes I tend to love the right people but my mind-set is set to they will hurt you step away. Nemours amount of times I've loved the right people but because of how damaged I am I tend to not attach because once I do I know that curtain consequences will occur if I'm being honest I hate love. And when I do love someone I tell them with a passion if I have ever told you I love you and you want to know I meant it this how you know:
the change in my voice
my voice will go right in the middle of deep and high pitched
I can't look at you in the eye
If I can't look at you in the eye while I say those 3 words, then know I truly love you
My hands collide by my stomach
If my hands join while I say those words know I've been feeling this way for a while and it's good to finally get it out
I smile
If I smile and stutter before saying the words well then you make me nervous
Last but not least after I've said these words I want to be closer to you
Normally after I've said them I want I closer bond with you so that my phase doesn't kick in again
I'm a weird kid that once they love someone or something I commit to it; love is a sensitive topic for me because I lost someone who I loved more than myself, after I lost her parentally I was destroyed, now a day I barely say I love you, in this year I've said it to 2 people 1 adult at school and a close friend of mine at school, what I do know is one day I'll be able to love again the way I was able to.
Most of the time love doesn't have to be forced due to status between one another. If its father and daughter or any family member that love doesn't have to be there just because of the status and characteristic label. I have someone I don't love nor like that's ion my family but I still show like I do so it's not considered disrespect to him but I don't love him nor like him. My advice to you is stay away from love because once you understand it at a young age it will really ruin the image you wanted it to be. Wait for the right time so you won't be damaged like me when you only love 4 people out of 2000 yeah I counted the people I know
YOU ARE READING
Don't worry... "I'm okay"
Non-FictionA 15-year-old who speaks about how she grew up in a mental abusive household and how teenagers really feel in situations and how life is not always about what it seems like and how she found love, passion, and her true self and how she would explain...
