Don't worry... "I'm okay"

Fear

Chapter 7

Fear. Fear is one of the things I feel every single day of my life. From just the age of 8 I started feeling a lot of fear, one reason for that, two words: my father. My father is one out of billions in this world that I'm afraid of, my father is one of the reasons I have social phobia. Most of you that know and the ones who don't your wondering what did he do or how on earth does he look for her to be so traumatically afraid, well it's my father's punishments, and the way he thinks his right but his sometimes wrong and I get punished for it. I can't approach my own father without wanting to piss my pants because of how terrified I am, even when were all wrong I get the most punishment I get beaten till the point I can't stand. Or I fall or like it once happened before where I was dragged out of the room by my step mom.

I've had so many incidents and every time I talk about them I cry or the flashbacks of the incident happens, after every incident I always have scares and I have to treat myself because no one cares. The reason why I judge myself is because my father has penetrated all possible offensive comments to me examples "I have the devil in me" or what he likes to say "I'm an evil child who is selfish" any possible mean things his said have sat on me and suffocated my mind and heart I felt useless cause I could never defend myself because I knew that I was going to be beaten to the ground or even till I die. Last year was one of the pain fullest punishments, I still get nightmares till this day, it still bothers me till this day,

So this one affects me because I was telling the truth and was honest and I was repeatedly called a liar, one of things that I know possibly what was going through their minds I was dating and I told my "boyfriend" to go and ask my transport driver to wait but let me clear the air, that person I asked was a friend ONLY because his a guy they assumed he was my "boyfriend" so because they were assuming I was beaten so hard to the point I couldn't've bend down to pick up a pen, I couldn't walk, my arm looked like a gravel road and someone painted it purple and red. Yes, my hand was bumpy and wounded really badly I couldn't bend it to write at school, or even lift my pants up or put my shirt over my head. My head had approximately 4 bumps so I couldn't sleep without feeling so much pain so I cried myself to sleep

When I walked I felt like a fool because I was breathing so heavily to hid it (I was breathing heavily because I was in pain with way I had to walk to hid that my legs were wounded) and what pains the most when they found out that I was telling the truth no one said a word they continued with their lives like nothing happened. After 2 days from the beating I started having a lot of panic attacks and heart and lung problems because of how my anxiety levels went off the chart I've never felt so small, I felt like just a reject in this world like I had no matter to anyone, after the pain healed physically I was never the same from being the hyped happy child to being a depressed, sad, stupid, non-defenceless and scared child.

Fear is one the things I feel every day, and fear took over me and I don't want that for anyone, normally I would advise you but you can't escape fear, fear will be a part of you unless you let it control you. I hate being scared but it has taken over me and made me a weak person but the person who inspired the book, inspired and moved me so positively that the fear I had, has detached from me and she gave me hope of a better life, she made me finally want to give love and trust a try again. She inspired me to tell my story she made me happy again after so many years I've been sad and depressed, I'm absolutely happy to have finally met someone who has made me happy

There was something my brother taught me that people fear a lot of things. Mostly the unknown, why the unknown because imagine yourself walking and you don't know what might happen and you come across a snake in your mind you didn't expect that so your scared because your scared that you might be bitten and die, but if you knew that the snake was coming you would be prepared and instantly you know what you going to do so the unknown is truly one of the things I'm not scared of but it's something to think about.

The incident I had told you about my father that incident made me the weak child I am where as I get so emotional over small things, and it has made me so paranoid that I will never be at ease and all that happened because I'm his most disliked kid I'm always wrong to him, but his not wrong I'm rude and disrespectful, but there's one thing I'll never do forgive and forget that day