Don't worry... "I'm okay"

Truth

                                                                                           Chapter 6

What's the truth? Is the truth terrifying? The thing about the truth is that it hurts, and it can be selfish, it can also save you in certain situations where your stuck, the truth is the only way of escaping. I'm a liar, well I was liar I won't say that what I'm about to say is an excuse of my actions but it's the reality of my actions. I've lied to a lot of people in my life which in most circumstances I've hurt them and most of them I've prevented from them getting hurt. The thing is I'm willing for someone to be angry at me then having to be hurt by me. One of the things I will never dream to do intentionally.

If I was being honest seeing other people happy makes me happy, you're probably think "if she's a liar then this whole book is a joke", right? But this book is my truth and me letting people know, understand, and connect with me. And I know lot of people have wanted to connect with someone or for someone to at least understand them, for years I've always seeked for someone to understand me and not tell me I want attention or for me to be a burden to them. For me the truth is terrifying, being told something that I have predicted or if I have been overthinking the situation where as I end up being right, is scary, and what's so painful I'm always right so I know that whatever I overthink or predict will come true one day. I'll give you an example

I was in a friendship for 10 years with someone she was my best friends, my sister there were curtain times where I predicted that we would end before we reach college or university and I've been overthinking on how she will break my heart, and dump me like a pile of dirt over something she could've kept both I told her about it she said she would never do that she promises. I believed her but I didn't stop overthinking. 2020 comes and she does exactly what I thought and my heart broken into pieces I'm unable to eat, focus at school and to have it being done over text was just low as well but, I was a wreck only because the truth hurted me that I lost my best friend and I was right

Truth, honour, loyalty is one of the things that can bring someone down when one of them are broken. Having the opportunity to have that experience of pain I went through, it taught me that every beginning has an end. And you have no control over it but just see it through and learn from it. endings are painful, death, broken friendships, job, broken marriages, their all painful and they all lead to trauma and philophobia (fear of loving again or love itself).

I'll tell you my past truth (which I have rectified); I am a manipulative, disrespectful kind human-being I have no murals and self-respect I have low self-esteem and I have the intendancy to seek my father's approval and love that he shows to all my siblings, even though I am terrified of my father and his ways of raising and correction, I care for others opinions on myself and change myself to the way they prefer. I have enough care in my heart to take care and love people around me then taking care of myself, my fear of losing what's important to me, I take criticism about me and react with violence, I'm weak emotionally, I have no sense of wisdom on situations, I've been beaten to the point of being mentally and physically weak, I have a server panic attacks, I'll never be able to get over my mother's death, I always use my mother as a defence mechanism, I'm lazy and have anger issues.

All these things I've said, were my past issues that I had to fix but I was so busy on caring for others I never really released that I have issues of my own. In the middle of 2020 I eventually began to be the best version of myself. The truth has never been all great it will always come back and bite you in the ass, example, the raw truth of the pain of racism and black sufferance.

Me being a 15-year-old black young lady learning the painful horrible past my ancestors had to experience is so tormenting to the point of fearing white people and they racial motives. The change that the South African first black president Nelson Mandela tried to make and try to enforce it to people that were all equal, the American first black president Barack Obama as he also tried to enforce that change but as soon as they had left, we were back to the beginning of the painful journey, me being south African and not being able to experience the fear of what the black Americans are going through pains my heart but doesn't mean I don't understand the pain and fear, of not being able to walk in your neighbourhood without being afraid of being shot for "wrongful doing" which was never even made just because;

I'm black does it mean that I'm dangerous or just because I'm black that I have no right or just because I'm black my existence is a disgrace to you. Being black is something you white people take as a disgrace to humanity, me being black I'm proud of it I wear my skin with pride shot me down for all I care about but I'll die with dignity and pride that I stood with who and what I am and your threats are absolutely nothing to me just like how the gender base violence occurs and the human trafficking that occurs in this cruel world being a girl its really stressful and scary of just me walking to the shop to buy bread. The struggle of praying before you leave and the fear as you walk and hoping you won't be taken and get sexually harassed and then being sold like an auctioned object then later being killed from the drugs that were forcefully syringed into your body.

The next fear of being a woman or girl is having that one person who will abuse you to the point of your arms and legs being broken, the point where you start bleeding internally only because you forgot to wash dishes gender base violence is a very sensitive topic that take extremely serious, one of the reasons is that the pain of not being able to sleep in your own body and having to feel actual humps on your head and arms and legs, well that's something I never want someone else to feel weather deserved it or not. We can't always resort to physical punishment, that type of punishment can destroy someone so much not only physically but emotionally and mentally

People! Stop! you're hurting a lot of innocent people. Stop the gender base violence! the irrelevant and non-relevant racism! stop the sexual harassment and the trafficking!

Personally experience

I was 13 years old and I was sent to purchase bread and as I walk alone I notice construction workers who were looking at me immediately I transform to a small person that can escape the situation by entertaining their words like "hey, mabebeza" or any other disrespectful nicknames they called out to me at the back of my mind I say do whatever you can so they don't rape you or traffic you. Now to that sound extremely wrong you having to change your self-respect for the thought that they could rape you or traffic you that type of thought is something that I would never want for my little sister and to be able to educate my younger brothers to treat a woman with respect and give nothing but loyalty.

2nd experience

I was 14 and in an uber and me having to nervously laugh at the jokes and entertain the room so that I don't get raped because there are many cases of woman being raped in these transportations with is so absurd because I should be able to sit in car with the uber driver and feel save and reach save without the thought of rape there on thing I can say is

Most of the men in this world are a disgrace why, because of their sexual needs, we females must forcefully entertain them. If they have some sorts of frustration, we females should be there punching bags. But ladies that doesn't mean we don't do it

I know for a fact woman abuse men as well and torment men and use the gbv as an excuse of "self-defence" ladies how on earth do you expect the men to change if us woman do the exact same thing that they do. That's the thing about this world its full of hypocrites. It's like making house rules for us kids and you parents don't follow them yourselves and we get punished when we break the rules but who's going to punish you for breaking them. This world lacks

Honesty, respect, trust and equality which all people need so this world will become better by first with the people then the environment this world can be mended if we work together not against each other and if people would also grow up.